Chronic suicidality

[CarzaraL]

I'm chronically suicidal. I'll be feeling good or even when the thought will come to kill myself one way or another. Does this happen to anyone else?

[Hidden]

Call emergency - hospital - crisis team or mental health team if feeling really down

[Sillysausage234]

I used to then I realised it’s a coping mechanism as it’s like a get out clause you can turn to if things get too much......much better to think about ways to survive though

[CarzaraL in reply to Sillysausage234]

Thank you.

[Sillysausage234 in reply to CarzaraL]

Welcome.....does that make sense?

[CarzaraL in reply to Sillysausage234]

Yes yes it does

[Starrlight in reply to Sillysausage234]

That makes sense to me too. I start slipping back into a depressed state and there those thoughts come...I think I’ll just ignore them like they’re nothin’

[CarzaraL]

Repeated trauma since childhood

[NorwegianWood in reply to CarzaraL]

Know that you are not alone. Depression and trauma are mongrels - they 'talk' as if they are the only reality, yet they are liars. They present the world as only bad, yet there is always much to live for.

Keep talking and remember your strengths. Remember that your community and even this Health Unlocked community are part of your cheer squad and trust that you will continue to build resilience to overcome this tough time.

[Starrlight]

Do you think therapy could help? It’s helped me a lot and I’ve worked hard and see results. I still get the thoughts but I am not afraid that I would act on them.

[CarzaraL in reply to Starrlight]

I do, I have a new therapist now she's really dedicated

[Starrlight in reply to CarzaraL]

That’s awesome!

[CarzaraL in reply to Starrlight]

Thanks. She gave up her paperwork hour to fit me in. We even call and text.

[Starrlight in reply to CarzaraL]

Nice. I’m happy for you. Mine is great too. She knows me well and is very intuitive. She’s helped me heal.

[CarzaraL]

I'm not afraid of death either, most people find that insane. It's good you have close friends

[hypercat54 in reply to CarzaraL]

Hi you have suicide ideation. It's quite common. It's my default position for when I am in a very difficult situation and I always think well I can kill myself then. The thought of doing so is very different from actively having a plan and access to methods. It might seem strange but what helps me is to trawl the suicide sites and by the time I realise yet again that I don't have access to any painless methods and read some awful stories it puts me right off the idea. I am not suggesting you do the same but just saying what helps me.Have a look at this link

blogs.psychcentral.com/addi...

It's worth also looking round PsychCentral as it is a mine of useful information.

[CarzaraL]

I'm glad that works for you.

[hypercat54]

And it's a valid opinion. I am not religious but anything which you can hold on to is a good thing. Carry on believing it.

[CarzaraL]

Focus on the children, they saved my life many times

[Samtoby313]

I used to. All the time. Then I just made up my mind that Suicide isn’t the answer and I would never do it even tho I am so depressed.

[Hidden]

Hi,I've always wanted to die for about 30 years now, I've written 3 suicide notes to my family members throughout my lifetime. I don't think about it constantly & may vaguely ponder on how to do it but I'm a coward. I wouldn't even be on this site if I was more stronger to do it.

Saying that, ur talking about it....which is a sign that you deep down you don't really want to die. Most people who commit or contemplate suicide, don't want to die...they want the pain to end. We either feel too much or nothing.

Have you spoken to a doctor or professional, family member or friend. Do u know why u want to die or is it just thoughts you can't seem to stop. Being professionally diagnosed can help to understand and have insight to one's thoughts & behaviours. Medication can also be helpful for some but has never in all honesty helped me.

We are all sooo different but exactly the same, we all broken in some way & in fact it's us just being human. Every person will think of taking their life at some point in their life. Even if they never admit it.

I'm not a professional but could it be bipolar...feeling good to suicidal thoughts, is one extreme to another. Go & make the first important step & reach out to someone in the real world. DON'T HURT YOURSELF!!! I read this once & it sounds dumb & is no fix but will help survive another day until perhaps you can talk to a doctor. When you want to commit suicide, go for a nap instead. I know it sounds soooo frickn' dumb but I've used it numerous times when my back was to the wall & I was in too much emotional pain to think of reasons to live.

Sleep is a temporary death, escape from the pain of your existence without any heavy repercussions. It's quite stupid but it has helped me survive to the mornings sometimes.

I'm sorry I feel like I've been of no real assistance...all I can say is fuck suicide, get angry, get help, get heard, cry & yell. You deserve happiness & you can get it. We HAVE to believe we all can, because I know we all deserve it.

[CarzaraL in reply to Hidden]

Thank you and no that doesn't sound stupid

[Hidden in reply to CarzaraL]

No we are not alone. I'm fighting those thoughts today. Been fighting for awhile since my depression has knocked me on my ass again. If you're lucky you get in to a zone (me I exercise, eat right, look after myself, put makeup on etc). Appear normal, my focus comes back & I occasionally laugh. Unlike now where I'm waking up to depression. It's like the movie Invisible Man, you can't see the bastard but he's there.

I look like sh*t atm, crying more often than not. Feel tired of the fight. Just want to throw in the towel & rest.

It sux!!! Can't be eloquent about it today lol.

[Hidden]

Yeah. You’re not alone. It’s a terrible feeling when those thoughts creep in but you have to fight them.

[JJLAD2020]

I attempted 18 months ago in a horrific and traumatising way, think about it everyday but more in the context of will I want to do it again as appose to I want to.

In my experience I didn't want to die but I had a mental breakdown and couldn't handle the 'mental torment' anymore. I just wanted to 'turn myself off'.

What I learned is that being alive with my children superseds not.

You've already said you feel that too and your children help you remain...that then is enough. They're by default your guardian angels as my children are to me.

I wish you health and sunshine for all of your days and when then clouds come stay strong and stay brave.

Joe

[CarzaraL in reply to JJLAD2020]

Thanks. They aren't my children but but cousins, nieces, and nephews

[Willanna]

Only thing stops me doing anything is my grandchildren, they are the only light in this horrible place called my life😞

[Spooky99 in reply to Willanna]

I feel the same way sometimes! It’s awful

[CSymth]

Could it be intrusive thoughts that you might have medicine for. I understand. Please get help.

[Anndud]

Yes, this does happen 2 others. Please contact ur doctor, community mental health team, helpline etc. Remember God loves you and you r precious 2 him xxxx. Please get help, find groups dedicated to helping mental health through crafting, hobbies, exercise, talking, gardening... Ther r many people out ther who struggle on a daily basis just by talking to them u can help them and urself.. I myself hav lost someone and hav another close 2 me in a similar way.. You can never be replaced so value urself as I do you xx God bless and thank you 4 sharing!

[Thissucks37]

Please don’t. My son died by suicide two months ago and destroyed my family along with himself. You have no idea what wreckage you will leave behind. It’s not a solution. Please get help tell someone how you are feeling. Call a suicide hotline.

[GrayGoose66 in reply to Thissucks37]

My mother completed suicide. The torment is devastating. I’m sorry you’re going through this.

[Pel3749]

You are not alone. Your grandchildren are a gift from God for all the good you have done you get these wonderful children ,I alway say. There are trained people to really help you. Call your therapist or go to your nearest hospital ER and they can help you. God bless and stay posted. You are loved.

[CarzaraL in reply to Pel3749]

Thanks. Their not my children but cousins, nieces and nephews

[Chrysalis20]

Hi CarzaraL. Yes, I get where you are coming from. There are a few things which help me keep going. First of all, I have elderly parents and I have caused them enough pain. Secondly, in the absence of having children of my own, I have a nephew that I love dearly. I also want to survive and defeat my demons so that I can be available for him as he is growing up. The third one is that on a practical level, I am frightened of attempting suicide, and being left paralysed or in severe physical pain - and actually, I think I would be too frightened to make a serious attempt. The other thing that helps is being able to talk about having the suicidal thoughts and desires. A Psychotherapist telling me that those thoughts and desires were perfectly valid and understandable really helped. I am now seeing a Psychologist as part of my community mental health team. Whilst he has always instantly given me the line about "are you planning to harm or kill yourself in the near future?", I have begun to insist that it is more helpful that he allow me express the thought, than interrogate me with that line, with the insinuation or threat that I might have to seek medial care or hospitalisation (I have been there, only made me feel worse) because it is better if I can be honest, than to have to deal with those thoughts myself and then be at higher risk of taking action. I would say that I have sunk very deeply into the worst Mental Hell ever over the last few months, however I cannot escape from it, possibly not even in death, therefore I just take one day at a time and do what I need to remain safe - sorry for all the cliches, hope you find some respite.

[Vickyjean]

Maybe it’s more of the anxiety you want gone, not you. Keep preserving and it will pass. I know you have it in you to get to the point that you can enjoy life daily. Don’t believe your thoughts. We all fall short of negative thoughts until we learn how to manage them.

[Lazy_dog_lover]

CarzaraL, I am sorry you have to face this. I hope you are not alone.

I don't have random thoughts of suicide, but I have thought about it.

Do you think about how and where or does it include the when and why?

How often does it happen? Can you keep a journal of when it happens and what you were doing and thinking about right before it happens? This would be really helpful data if you decide to see a doctor about it.

Next time you feel it, feel free to message me or post. We will help you through.

[CarzaraL in reply to Lazy_dog_lover]

I'm be great in a fabulous mood and suddenly the thoughts will come. It's an everyday thing. Thanks you

[Lazy_dog_lover in reply to CarzaraL]

Sorry for the delayed reply. I am anxiously over-preparing for an upcoming surgery.

There are a few directions my thoughts go about you. If they are just thoughts of your death and you don't get to the point of planning, then a replacement behavior might help. Being in a good mood and conscious thoughts are 2 diff. parts to the brain.

I recently started meditating. One repeated message the guides have is that if my mind wanders to other thoughts, it is ok, but I need to let them pass and focus on the breathing and feel how my body is in space, listen to the sounds in the room.

I also tend to think about the ones who I would leave behind. I would never want to hurt them. Suicide hurts so many people, for the rest of their lives.

Exercise, or just body movement, is also a good replacement behavior. That is in the conscious mind.

Don't just sit with those thoughts. Don't give up on therapy. Find a different route.

[GrayGoose66]

Yes. However, I have a different view of this subject as my mother committed suicide 7 years ago. I know what it does to those you leave behind.

First and foremost, understand that depression is a liar. It feeds into your weakest and darkest places. It tells you everyone would be so much better off without you. It tells you that no one would miss you, or heck, even notice. It tells you how much of a burden you are to every possible thing on earth. But go back to what I just said......it’s all A BIG FAT STINKING PILE OF CRAP LIE!! I’ve been in therapy for 2 years and a lot of it centers around not only my own depression and feelings of inadequacy, but also the pain, anger, guilt, sorrow, anger, pain, anger,.....it’s a cycle all on its own.

Please ask for help. The world will not be a better place without you. It will be worse. You can’t see that....the lie has you in its grip. But there is help, and most importantly, hope. Please, call 911 or your counselor, and ask for help.

[misterericsir]

In answer to the question does anyone else have frequent suicidal thoughts, yes. I think about suicide at least once every few days but that has been my life ever since I was a teen. I have actually tried to commit suicide once but was rushed to the hospital and then released to the mental health ward for involuntary commitment. That was my third commitment the other two being voluntary. I have had ongoing mild depression for as long as I can remember and have had deeper incidents where I have had to be hospitalized and undergo Electro-convulsive therapy. I now am semi-happy, employed full and part-time, and have a wonderful wife and two kids. I also attend self-help groups and therapy. I think the difference between my thoughts of suicide and others is that I don't have a plan and it is just a thought that passes no matter how I am feeling. That may sound odd but I just feel like I live in a darker mindset than most people and I don't feel shame or guilt because of it. It's just part of who I am and it doesn't cause me a great deal of unhappiness or worry. But I also don't obsess on it. The thought comes and it passes. It is important to seek help if the thoughts bring on a plan, deepening depression, or hopelessness. But I think there are some people who consider suicide on occasion without any motivation towards any action.

[HealthAnxietyGuy]

There's some great sound advice from many of the posts I've read. However, I would also like to add that God IS there and real and wants you to go to HIM with all your troubles. Seek him daily, read the Word and pray for help. God loves and will give you answers. Try also Probiotics, do some research. Both of these have healed me. God bless.

[Micafe]

Yes!.

😩

[Magical_thoughts]

Hi carzaral. Do not do that. Do not try to commit suicide. I will tell u why. There are people in hospital right now who are dying. Who do not want to die. They would give anything to be alive and see change in their life. You may not feel this way in a months or a years time. What u shud do is urself see interactions and behaviour of people who wanted to commit suicide and how they were stopped. Imagine if u had to tell them to stop and not do it. What would u tell them. Then tell urself that

[shodan95]

For sure. I honestly think most highly intelligent, aware/awake, and observant people experience this. My doctor pointed that out to me when I started struggling at 23, which is an age when adult life and the weight of it really starts to set in for a lot of people. You will have to learn to manage those feelings for the rest of your life. I have had to do that. The trick for me has been finding joy in the little things. The world can be crumbling around me, but a cup of tea, a new puzzle, my kitten, a beautiful sunset that I enjoy alone are all sacred moments for me. I appreciate those little things that I get to experience alone. Its not for everyone, I get that. I'm just over the fact that life is tragic and sucks. Don't watch Disney movies because then everything that doesn't go the way you want in the end will make you depressed and suicidal. Life is an awful, traumatic, horror story. That is a natural fact, but humans have been great at distracting themselves from it. In our minds, everyone dies with their loved ones surrounding them. truth is, most people die alone. Accepting these truths is the key to being free.