One day

[Simplysil1970]

The kids & I are getting along slightly better, my middle daughter (she's 24) said to me today "You f**ked up" I almost said "What really"?? I just said that I know that I made mistakes and I'm sorry if I hurt her. But she still has been distant, won't look me in the eye for long., so I stopped talking. I wracked my brains trying to think of what I possibly could have done for her to say that, I know I will eventually revisit the conversation with her but I'm so tired of arguing, ignoring and sideways glances that I chose to walk away. This behavior has been going on for over a month and I'm ready to just leave. One Day she is going to recognize that her mama loved her and only tried to be the best for her, and her brother & sister., but it might be too late for me to hear her say it out loud. We only have a certain time on this earth and we shouldn't spend it fighting over stupid stuff. My mother's been gone for 7 years next week, how I wish that I could just see and talk to her one more time.

[Catsamaze ADAA Volunteer]

Hi Sil. As a dad I certainly understand your pain. It seems as though your daughter is wrestling with a lot of issues that are complicated and messy. It is much easier to lump it all together and blame everything on you. By thinking that all of her suffering is due to you she can avoid the pain of looking inward to see how she has to change and grow, and that’s not easy. At some point the hope is she’ll realize that the only way out is through. Does she have a therapist? That might go a long way toward helping her through these turbulent waters. You certainly shouldn’t try to fill that role. You are doing everything you can by letting her know that she is being heard and taken seriously. It may take awhile but ultimately your relationship with each other will be stronger for having gone through this period together.

[kvolm2016]

And that's the wisdom of perspective which comes with age and parenting. I remember feeling the way that your daughter feels when I was her age - thinking my mom (single parent who raised me), had done everything wrong. Most teens and 20-somethings go through the phase of NEVER wanting to be like their parent(s) And then you become a parent yourself and you begin to realize it is no easy task and you are making lots of questionable parenting moves too as you are trying to figure it all out. I think the sign of true adult maturity is when you finally realize that whether your parent(s) did a good job or a bad job, you give them credit for just doing the best that could in the moment they were doing it. I'm in the same stage of parenting daughters who are in their 20's and I can recommend a couple of good books that have helped me understand them better if you are interested.

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Good, bad or indifferent you did your best regardless of the situation. She knows you love her, however at 24 she doesn’t completely understand the struggles that you went through yet. I commend you for not arguing and I do think the issue should be addressed. Don’t lose your roll as the mother because of guilt or her trying to make you feel guilt. You are still her mother and she needs to respect that. If I sound harsh I am sorry, but you are so right. I lost my parents as well and would do anything for one more hug.