Hello beautiful souls. Long time no see. I have almost bedridden for 3 months. I am on meds for OCD and anxiety which force me to sleep for most of the day. My physical strength is almost 0. I feel just numb and can't even do the things I like. I see no way out. This has been due to some bitter experiences I had 3 months ago which led me to attempt suicide several times. I am glad that I did not die. I tried getting electric shocks and many other things. I know that I have to live for my parents' sake. I have terrible headaches and have been advised CT scans. I underwent several other tests. I have lost so much weight , I can't recognize myself in the mirror. All I do in a day is sleep or watch boring TV shows. I can't walk or read.
I will now state what had really happened 3 months ago. My alcoholic uncle who stays with us went missing for 8 days. We couldn't trace him. He came back later and instead told my parents to stop interfering in his life. I was so stressed those days. I would pray everyday that nothing should happen to my parents. And my compulsions rised. I started checking if there was any water on the floor and would wipe every single drop worrying that my parents will slip on it and fall. Not only water but even about irrational things like if I switch on the TV, my mom would be hurt. I have thousands of such thoughts everyday and can't fight them. I have stopped studying. My exams are a few days away. I can't stop worrying and when I get fed up of thoughts, I stop caring or do something careless which I later interpret as me being violent toward my parents. However all those actions are harmless.
What also happened was I tried to hurt (kill😔) my mother. Just after 2 days my uncle returned, my mom scolded me a lot about an issue which I'm sensitive about. I was hurt a lot. I was at fault but not that much. I was just wishing a happy birthday to my friend and my mom read my texts. She scolded a half-asleep me because she thought that I was texting that friend when I was supposed to attend my college lectures. However I had free time that day. She even threatened to scold other dear friend of mine. I was so hurt. Mom has high BP hence she says really hurtful things. That night, I did an action which wasn't harmful at all in reality. But I had an evil intention and even thought that the action could really result in strangling my mother. Still, I did it. I lifted the mosquito net we use with force so that my mom sleeping inside will get hurt. Irrational, right? I came to my senses after a minute or two. My mom was fast asleep, I cried the whole night. I cry everyday due to this. I never wanted all this stress to affect my mom. I just couldn't control my anger and grief then. I tried dying many times. I just don't know if I even deserve this life. I am a horrible daughter. I just want to perish. I even used to watch detective stories. I doubt whether I was at that specific moment under that influence as I was hurt. I am just living like a ghost because I don't want to hurt my parents again and they don't have anyone else . I will never forgive myself. I see no way out. Any advice will help. Thanks for reading.
Ughhh , I wish I could do something
Should I better die?! 
I wish somebody could help me
Wish I could say I'm doing better.
Just wish I was DEAD!!!!
