I feel very poorly. I dont know where to begin expressing myself 😞. Im sorry to everyone I havent messaged too. I just feel so paralysed. I feel like a really bad friend to people because of that. I havent washed in a week. I feel so valueless that I have hardly eaten this week. I have hardly been outside or spoken to anyone. I dont feel 'human'. I wish I wasnt so poorly. Alot of it comes from feeling I dont deserve to do anything good for myself or look after myself and this gets especially triggered by something that is hard to talk about.
Im not blaming my upbringing for how I am but its definitely affected how I FEEL. I really feel unworthy of self care. I feel this 'who am I to look after myself' mentality. I see everyone in the world as valuable yet I see myself bottom of the list (maybe I am, maybe we are meant to put others first? But I know my lack of self respect doesnt FEEL normal either). Should I really feel so guilty for looking after myself?! Its like I cant function without feeling guilty or selfish. It took alot to post this here as I feel guilty/selfish even for posting this. I feel Im not allowed to want things for myself. But at the same time it makes me so happy when I see others happy. Genuinely so! Whats up with that? Ive been thinking lately that I didnt have any tenderness growing up. It was all so harsh and mean. I had no cuddles or encouragement to look after myself or treat myself well. It was lots of shaming and physical and sexual and emotional abuse (maybe some odd niceness inbetween from my dad because even harsh people are not 2 dimensional). But I never learnt to really feel I matter. It always felt so alien to me to see kids who felt loved and looked after, photos of them on walls (the odd times I got to visit kids like this), parents picking them up after school, being made packed lunches, hearing of kids being tucked in bed, parents visiting their assemblies at school. I didnt get those things - tenderness. I didnt even have brothers or sisters to talk to. Now, when Im down I struggle to know how to reach out and let others be there for me even if I really want that. I get paralysed and overwhelmed by my emotions and dont know where to put them. I sometimes wonder that if I was treated with tenderness would it be more natural to me to treat myself well, would it feel ok and not something to feel I dont deserve 🤔 I know that I struggle though with how I feel though, but Im just trying to understand. Im not blaming my past. Im just looking for reasons why I am this way. I know I need help if this isnt right. Self care isnt a language I know very well or Im comfortable with. Its like I avoid speaking it altogether because I feel so unworthy of this special language I feel Im not allowed speak. 🙁 This may sound surreal to others. Maybe its like having a whole big historic building that I am not allowed to touch because its too precious. And if I go in Ive done something forbidden. I feel like that with self care. Its like its been drummed into me that its forbidden and I dont deserve that or to even touch it. I dont know how to explain it exactly. I tend to just do the basics I need that are neccessary to survive. I get so dehydrated too as I dont drink alot. I need to go drink now as Im feeling dehydrated.
42 Replies
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Hi there. I'm sorry for all you've been through. Yes, you do deserve to show kindness and compassion towards yourself and yes, you are allowed to want and no, you absolutely do not need to feel guilty for any of it.
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Thank you for your kindness
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You're welcome😊
Hi, Your post makes a lot of sense to me. If you grow up always being treated like you're the least important person in the room, that's how you learn to treat yourself. It makes life that much more challenging.
Throughout my childhood I was taught to practice self-denial. Which is great from the self-discipline point of view, but unfortunately with me it backfired to where I also feel guilty about myself... about even having opinions or a personal preference. My gut reaction is always to put others first, go along with anyone's preference instead of my own. It's like living in another dimension from the "normal" people who actually put Number One in first place.
Yes, making others happy is a joy. And finding your happiness through others that way can be a real strength. But, I think you have to take care of yourself first, if you want to be there for others.
You have value (a lot of value!!!) the same as any other individual. Taking care of yourself is not only your right, it is your duty. That's something I have to remind myself constantly. When I am out shopping etc., I repeat to myself, "I have a right to be here just like anybody else." Maybe you can try something similar when taking care of yourself. "I have a right to (fill in the blank) just like anybody else."
Try to reassure yourself! You don't have to feel guilty about giving yourself self-care. Keep posting your feelings if it helps. I hope you feel better soon, and please get yourself a snack and keep yourself hydrated! You deserve it!
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Thank you for your kind and understanding post. Yes, you reminded me of my friend who told me to say
'Im just as important as everyone else!'
Thats a good phrase. I like that 🙂
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❤️
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Also, its true. All the self denial teaches a sort of discipline. But its not really discipline because it creates a total dysfunctionalness (if thats a word?) too. Ive been praised for how calm and collected I can be and how much Im not like other kids growing up who do drugs and have sex. But alot of this has been conditioned in to me. Its not really been a choice when I was growing up. Its just something I felt shamed into.avoiding as I felt wrong to be out of control. When Im at home though I may just break down. Sometimes I feel like just going absolutely crazy though and rebelling against all that my past has taught me. Some of it now.as an adult is choice though. I really see the sense in abstinense from bad things that are harmful and avoid it even when I know I could lose my head. Its just that sometimes its hard to know what is a choice and what isnt because I havent felt Ive had alot of free will growing up and I fear not having it now. It can feel very confusing at times to feel Im doing something out of choice even though I know it makes sense. I dont know if that makes sense but its true.
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Yes I think that makes total sense. It's like, am I doing this because I made a free choice, or from force of habit. And you're right, excessive self-denial can lead to not being able to function.
You probably already know this, it can be beneficial to challenge yourself now and then. Give yourself something hard to do. It helps you feel more in control of your life. For example, I find it difficult to get a treat for myself when I'm out. Like stop at a café and get myself a latte. Or, especially it's hard to eat in public. Occasionally friends ask me to join them at a restaurant, which is nice to be included... but I HATE eating in public! So, those are challenges that I can give myself now and then, that don't harm anybody, it just exercises my freedom to choose.
Maybe self-care could be your challenge. Something that could break down that self-denial barrier without being rebellious.
I agree about practicing abstinence from harmful activities. Doing something stupid or harmful just out of rebelliousness is not a good solution.
Try to think about it from a positive point of view. Many aspects of a morally upright life could be described by "abstinence:" from drugs, from sex, from alcoholism, reckless driving, offensive speech, brawling... but that's only one side of the picture. The other side is the positive. Instead of "what am I not doing," it's "What am I doing right and why." I'm guarding my health. I'm protecting the safety of others. I'm being responsible.
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Your point about challenging myself every now and then has stayed with me and helps. I just wanted to say thank you 💛
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I'm so glad! Absolutely! It's great to hear that. ❤️
Of course you should and need to take care of yourself. That is not selfish. It's smart. It is good to think of others but ,we can't help others if we don't first take care of ourselves . You deserve good things and happiness just as every single person created by God does. Have you tried any therapy to help and guide you through the feelings?
I agree, self-care is vital. Imagine how much better you can help people if you take care of yourself too! You’d be able to spread the joy and light you feel inside yourself, and that makes helping people so much easier and meaningful
If you are one of 2 candles, you can’t light the other candle unless you are lit. That’s like self care. When your candle is burning strong and bright, you can light another candle. You can build and maintain that fire by processing and fulfilling your needs. Do (healthy/safe) things that make you feel good, and if you need to, convince yourself that by taking care of your needs you will better be able to help others with theirs.
Hi Cuddly-bear, I love your name btw! You DO deserve to self care. In fact, you were created in God's image and He loved you so much that he made you unique. You can see that in every part of what makes you YOU. Your unique fingerprints that are one of a kind, He know and has numbered every hair on your head! You are loved! You are cherished!
I'm sorry that others have hurt you in the past, but it doesn't need to be a cycle you repeat in harming yourself by not taking care of yourself. You are LOVED!! Please seek help of a professional, a trusted friend or co-worker to check in with you and ensure you are making strides in caring for yourself.
Have you ever considered seeing a doctor or therapist about some of the feelings you are describing? My sister had quite severe depression and would feel herself sinking into another bout of it, she got really good a seeing the triggers and asking for medications to get through the slumps. Do you have someone you can see? Praying for you Cuddly!!! This too shall pass!!
In answer to your question yes, I am seeing a private therapist. She is nice. I am struggling with her though. She is a good listener and I like her knowing everything about me. I need to know theres someone to talk to who gets me (friends cant provide this Ive found. I love my friends but its not their job just to listen to you and try understand everything about you).
I find her comforting but somewhat passive though. She doesnt have a "therapy approach" if you know what I mean, but she is helpful in her own way. Shes also kind of expensive too.
In our last therapy session she was telling me that she wants to know 'how does someone who has been abused so much end up being kind and gentle?'. She was genuinely confused. I was too because it doesnt feel right to me to abuse others. But I felt like a novelty act to her..a curiousity. It made me feel uncomfortable her asking me like that like Im some sort of show piece that intrigues her. I felt like her main focus was her curiousity and not actually helping me. We took some time focusing on this and all the while I was thinking 'why are we even talking abou this...I am who I am..it doesn’t even matter'. I get that its good to try understand people but there was no need to put so much focus on this. I felt really confused and somewhat upset at the emphasis on this. I dont know why exactly. I think its because I felt like a case study she was interested in and wanted to document rather than someone she wanted to help. Ive never had this feeling before and Ive had ALOT of therapy. I think it was her genuine excitement as she talked and wanted to know me that got to me too. I was talking about some really sensitive stuff and the vibe I was getting was subtle but it just all didnt sit right with me Do you think I should tell her? Weve only had 3 sessions now. And I need to talk to her about something specific in our next session. But after that Im thinking of not calling her for a while after that until I need to offload everything again because shes a good listener.
May I suggest something? You say that you like making others happy, so what if you turned that care and love for others towards yourself. Think of yourself in the third person. Ask yourself, how can I make Cuddly-bear smile?
Then how about thinking of yourself as a little child, who you were when you were 7 years old? I find it a bit easier to be kind to myself when I think of the innocent, shy and eager to please child that I was when I was 7...
Regarding your therapist, perhaps you should communicate to her that you would like her to set therapy goals and take an active approach into helping you feel better, think better, cope better. Tell her that as much as you enjoy telling her things, you want her to work with you actively into getting better. Then you could see if she's more effective?
Yes thats a good idea. But I think it would be uncomfortable because she to me she doesnt seem to have a direct approach with therapy. Even in her profile she implies passiveness in it because she says 'I know everyone has their own tools and I respect that and want to work with you' (or something like that).And in our last chat (3rd one) after I had basically explained all my life and how events in my life have affected me (which is expected at first - it took 3 sessions to do it though which is alot! But its understandable because theres alot to cover) she then said ''Ive done all the work here, next session we can make YOU do some work and you can tell me what specifically you want to deal with and work on''. I went away and thought about it...she hadnt put the work in at all. I was just relaying information and thats it. It was valuable, but I wouldnt call it 'work' and especially not on her part.
This all leads me to honestly think her whole approach to therapy is too passive. And I dont think Im going to change that with my honesty. Afterall, Im not there to change HER. I need helo myself. I feel like maybe I need to know where she has limits on this one and just leave it. I can be very honest, but Im not sure theres a value in it in this case.
I feel like shes one of these therapists who enjoy being there for others and come away happier for feeling like theyve had an impact in other's lives. I get that and its understandable but thats quite an egocentric approach to therapy even if its subconscious on the therapist's part. I get this vibe alot - I see this really proud look on her face when I compliment her and tell her shes helped me. Shes human so I get it. But actually being a therapist should be quite difficult and mentally and emotionally testing as a the therapist tries to get to the root of problems with the client. I dont get the sense of this from her as much. This leaves me lacking confidence in her.
I dont know if Im making sense here or not. I guess Im saying there has to be something there to work with in assertiveness, direction and planning. I feel like if I have to do that myself then theres no point in approaching her about it. I guess I think I know her role. Shes a compassionate listener who wants to understand - I need that as I have some deep stuff I cant even tell friends. Apart from her 'amazement' shes handled it well and hasnt judged me. I need that.
It's strange that she said she's "done all the work here". You must have been quite taken aback! I think you're right about her approach, but if you do intend to continue seeing her then you might as well say something.
Why though? Why push her beyond her boundaries and approach? Thats not my place to do. If she was coming for therapy with me then maybe I would say it lol. But I dont get the value in it. I think sometimes people are like shops that sell things and we have to know what each one 'sells'. I originally approached her as I just wanted someone to understand and for me not to feel alone. She is giving me what I went shopping for. And I know where to go when I need that again. She is a private therapist too and that means she doesnt have the training of public sector therapists (here in England anyone can be a therapist with or without training). I personally think theres wisdom in showing some realism with her until I get evidence there is more to offer in her shop so to speak. Otherwise Im going to leave her frustrated and me feeling like I cant go and talk to her without her feeling she has to put on a show of her skills (afterall if her approach is more emotionally based(which is ok and what I need at times) and less educationally based then my honesty is bound to produce an emotional reaction). Trust me, I would honestly say something if I believed there was going to be some development from it. I did with my last therapist. I told her I was uncomfortable with her reaction on something. She was taken back and was honest with me and told me why she reacted that way admitting it was not even known she did it (ir was subconscious). She explained in detail what was going on and it helped us both. I knew she could handle it though. She had a totally different approach and encouraged painful honesty and was extremely professional.
Thank you for helping me think everything through/process it. I really appreciate it. It has helped.Even though I know theres still things to consider and it can be confusing I think I understand things somewhat better for talking them out.
Please don't feel like I'm pushing you to do what you're not comfortable with. I'm just providing another perspective. The way I see it, you have already poured your heart out to this person, and the sessions are not cheap, so it's time they start helping you.
But go with your instinct!
And come back and let me know what happens.
I have never done therapy before, and my first appointment is not till mid-December, so I'm interested to learn about therapist-client relationships. Like you, I do not want someone who is simply a good listener. I want a therapist who will use evidence-based approaches to help me. I chose a psychologist who uses CBT and mindfulness, but we'll see how it goes. I'm scared and excited!
Hi wow I relate to so much of this convo I appreciate it because I’ve experienced such similar isssues trying therapy -where it just doesn’t feel right somehow & plus it’s expensive so I don’t wanna be wasting my time if it’s not feeling like it’ll genuinely help me heal& progress!!🤣😣😳
Yes but it’s such a more sensitive thing though for me anyway I feel like it’s painful enough having to reach out for this help when you’re already in a low vulnerable emotional place and you have to search out someone that will be able to really help you heal on this deep emotional level!!😱🤔😳
Yea it’s tough! But I do agree if you need to get things off your chest and talk it through and it’s things that are really difficult to share with just anyone that it’s important to do it!! I guess just try not to overthink it and try & trust it and take the leap of faith??
Hello Cuddly-bear. I couldn't help but read your posting, as it reminded me of myself. First, you HAVE TO change your inner dialogue or what you say about yourself,. You've become your own worst enemy by constantly bombarding yourself with degrading, belittling, negative, defeating, and maybe even scary thoughts and scenarios that play out in your minds eye all the time, every day... I know because I've been there. Your going to have to WANT to change enough to put in the work that WILL change how you think and feel about yourself forever. It's not that hard and at first it will require a conscious effort on your part,. Then it becomes second nature without ANY EFFORT. But befoteI get into how to do that i need to hear back from you that you are even interested in learning how it's accomplished because i don't know how many times i spent so much effort on this site explaining in detail how, and never hearing back from the person again. I am always left wondering if my advice ever helped? Did this person ever even try? Did they overcome their problems? And with that being said,. Let me know what you would like to do from here.
I would like to hear what you have to say, but I have to be honest that it feels like pressure to have to give you feedback. I cant promise that but I may do. I definitely want to apply anything thats going to benefit me and change me 'FOREVER'. Would you consider posting your thoughts because I think others will likely benefit too? And dont worry if others havent got back to you. You never know how much you helped someone. I promise you that I will get in touch to thank you though if it works 🙂
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I dont know what I'm doing here.
Does anyone here feel like others summarize them as a bad person? How do you cope?
I dont know where to put this and I cant say it to anyone else so im just going to throw this out here. 
