I don’t get it

[Empath74]

I was in a very emotionally abusive, toxic relationship for nearly 3 years. I finally admitted things would never change and gave up any further effort toward trying. We were engaged for two of those three years and despite the chaos and frequent arguments, we made many happy memories together. Unfortunately, as time went on, things got worse and the bad outweighs the good. Toward the end, I learned he was an expert liar and master manipulator, not to mention a sex addict. Not only did he break my heart beyond repair but he destroyed my life in more ways than I even care to mention. Basically try to imagine every possible way a man can hurt a woman (rob her of her self-esteem, lie, cheat, emotionally abusive and so on…) and that was him. He made so many empty promises to change. He only got worse. Our relationship finally ended this past September and yet despite all the horrible things he said & did to me, all I can remember are the beautiful memories we shared and how I had never felt so loved - that is, until his true colors came out. I can’t seem to get him out of my head and my heart aches so terribly – more than I ever imagined possible. I’ve been through plenty of break ups but nothing that compares to this. I often wonder what the hell is wrong with me that I could actually miss him after all the pain he has inflicted on me: the mountain of lies, and the numerous indiscretions, in addition to legal problems and destroying my credit. Somehow my heart and mind won’t let go of the person I thought he was and fell so deeply in love with long ago. It’s incredibly difficult to accept that person never truly existed and the sting continues to throb, leaving me with this deep ache and doubt that I will ever find true love or if it even exists. I know it takes time but I’m still in such shock. Even some baby steps to help me start healing would be helpful. Thoughts?

[FearIsALiar]

I know how you feel. I just let go of my person who was a narcissist. I’m struggling so much. I hope I will be okay.

This heartbreak is too much

[Empath74 in reply to FearIsALiar]

It really is the worst feeling, isn’t it.

[FearIsALiar in reply to Empath74]

It really is...

[Hidden]

My heart goes out to you! I can really relate with your experience and the ensuing emotional roller coaster. Been there. Things that helped me in the past:

1) I read Conscious Uncoupling and did all the exercises in the book and worked with a conscious uncoupling coach for 6 sessions to let go of a similarly difficult experience.

2) I got familiar with the concept of "euphoric recall," which is a term from the addiction world, and the useful concept of "play the whole tape."

3) I read "The Body Keeps the Score" and got familiar with somatic work and trauma informed yoga aimed at releasing trauma from the body.

You can Google these things if interested in learning more - ton of stuff online about each.

My therapist calls me a "hyper intuitive empath." Guessing from your ID, you're probably an empath also. It's especially hard for us b/c we experience our emotions very, very deeply and they get embodied in our physical selves.

Wishing you much healing and evolving. Please be kind to yourself along your journey. The bravest thing you'll ever do is open your heart up to love again. There are good people in the world and I believe we are here to love.

Peace, Paul

[Empath74 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you so much for sharing. I will definitely look into those resources. I’m so upside down. I recently started therapy (again, but with a new therapist ) and yet despite how long I’ve been suffering, the termination of the relationship is still very recent and raw. I don’t even know where or how to start healing! I often wonder how I could possibly still feel anything for such a monster.

My last therapist explained that I’m grieving and suffering from a form of Battered Women’s Syndrome (minus the physical abuse) so at least it helped me feel like I’m not crazy.

The resources you mentioned sound very promising. I’m excited to check them out. Thank you again ❤️

[Hidden in reply to Empath74]

Did you grow up in an abusive, dysfunctional or alcoholic family or are otherwise a survivor of childhood trauma? One line of thinking in relationship literature is that, as adults, we seek out people as partners who allow us to experience connection (and suffering) in ways that are familiar to us based on our childhood experiences. From that perspective, relationships are here to illuminate the places where we need to exert effort to heal, grow and evolve.

One of my favorite quotes these days: “If I accept the fact that my relationships are here to make me conscious, instead of happy, then my relationships become a wonderful self mastery tool that keeps realigning me with my higher purpose for living.”

- Eckhart Tolle

These days I like to think of relationships as a classroom that I choose to enter. But, unlike a college classroom, you don't get to see the syllabus and learning objectives until after the class is well under way.

I've magnetized a lot of unhealthy and abusive people into my life over the years. And I spent a lot of effort resenting them and judging them and blaming them. Now I choose to focus on my own growth and examine the patterns and tendencies I bring to the table that need to heal and change if I want to magnetize healthy, caring, loving people into my life. And that journey, for me, starts with radical self-love. I cannot expect someone else to respect me and treat me well if I'm always shitting on myself with shame, blame and feelings of inadequacy.

A couple of other favorite books I recommend to friends struggling with relationships: The New Codependency by Melodie Beattie. Radical Self Love by Sonya Renee Taylor

I included you in my morning lovingkindness meditation. Sending you wishes for healing, growth, peace, self-compassion and self-love. Please be kind to you today.

[FearIsALiar in reply to Hidden]

That is very helpful!

[Hidden]

I don't know everything but I think you're on the right track to healing. There are so many things I could say that sound like cliches that really work. Like the title of the book/movie "eat pray love". I think it's great to spend time with yourself and do things for yourself and learn what those things are. Try new things to really figure it out and meet new friends. I feel like you're going to feel better as you keep going. Good luck.

[Empath74 in reply to Hidden]

Thank you for the encouragement. Some days I really feel like I’m making progress; others, I feel like the pain will never end and I’ll never move forward. Encouragement (such as yours) reminds me that I’m stronger than I realize. The fact that I’m still trying, seeking new resources and open to new methods of healing, etc also helps me remember that despite the BS I hear from most people (“move on. Why can’t you just let go?”, etc) the pain I’m feeling is completely normal. I don’t share all the nasty little details with others but the verbal abuse, the manipulation, the mountain of lies, multiple indiscretions despite my love, devotion, patience, understanding and strong desire to help him overcome his demons should be more than enough for anyone to understand the depth of my pain and know there’s a big difference between accepting the reality that he’ll never change, thus we have no future (finally making the conscious decision to stop trying) and “moving on”. Personally, considering it took me over a year to get here, I believe acceptance of the facts/abandoning any further effort/hope for a future together is much harder, although healing is also more difficult than I thought as I imagined that once I accepted reality, it would greatly relieve my angst. It didn’t. The one thing I know for sure: we never know what tomorrow will bring. As quickly as I fell in love with him, perhaps one day I’ll wake up and he’ll finally be out of my head.

[Efthimiades]

Hi, I just read your post. I was with someone for 3 years that did EVERYTHING yours did to you.... and YES, I STILL CANNOT GET THE FUCKER OUT OF MY HEAD, HEART. worst part is I'm remarried to a very nice person. I'm pretty sure it stems from me not having any self worth or self esteem. And I too was abused growing up and always felt like a piece of shit. I feel un worthy no matter how successful my life may seem... I struggle daily with this shit & its fucking torture. Believe me, I get you. All I can say is keep checking in with this group & read other peoples stories.....it helps to know were not alone. Stay strong. Our kids need us💕