I’m new here, very first post. Not sure where to begin so I’ll just dive right in. I’m 38, a wife and mother to an 18 month old daughter. We struggled with infertility for 4 years but with IVF finally had my daughter and she is perfect. I have always suffered with depression and anxiety since I was very young - traumatic childhood, abusive alcoholic father and a mother who had affairs instead of getting her children out of that situation. I’ve done lots of therapy over the years, been on and off meds. The most recent, I had severe postpartum depression, so bad that I had suicidal ideation but went to therapy, got on meds and all was good. Fast forward a year, I’m doing great, or as great can get for me, and I want to have another baby. I have always wanted 2. I want my daughter to have a sibling. Neither me nor my husband come from big families so I think it’s important she have someone, especially during these times. I went off my meds and started process for IVF again. Then my husband found out we have to move for his job so we move away from family and friends and my entire support system I built for myself when I was dealing with PPD. After the move, I lost the baby and since the move and losing the baby I’ve been so depressed. I hate it here, I miss my home, I miss my family and friends. I honestly don’t think I would have lost the baby if we didn’t move. I’m supposed to start trying again but to be honest I think I’m too depressed. I think about killing myself often. I just want the sadness and anger to stop. I want to stop crying and feeling like life is just not worth living. I love my daughter but I honestly have started thinking she’d be better off without me in her life. And I’m constantly angry at my husband because it’s his job that we had to move for, I don’t even want him touching me. I honestly don’t know what to do. I feel so alone here, I don’t know anyone and have no support system here. If I go back on meds I shouldn’t get pregnant but I know I’d really regret that and look at it as a failure on my part like I couldn’t handle my mental health long enough to bring a precious baby into the world but maybe I have no business doing that.....
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brandalina
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Be strong.when I have suicidal thoughts I think of the person who would find me and that would be my son I don't want him to have to deal with that it helps me fight it
I’m so sorry that you’re having such a hard time. I feel your pain and I’ve gone through postpartum depression too. What helped me each day was looking at the miracle of my beautiful baby and thinking that he needs his mother.
You lost a child but you also have an amazing one now. No matter how much of a mess a birth mother is, she is still one of the two most important person in anyone’s life. So please LIVE for your daughter (and all the wonderful people in your life who love you no matter how far away you are).
You shouldn’t deal with all this pain alone. Aside from joining this group, which is wonderfully supportive, please pick up the phone and call your family. And most importantly, please get professional help.
Thank you for your kind words. I’m looking into therapy but you can’t even do that in person these days which I totally get but the isolation is getting to me especially being in this house that doesn’t feel like home.
I know what you mean. I am still looking for a therapist even though I’m put off by the teletherapy idea.
Yes, isolation is horrible and can get anyone down. Can you go for walks? Going outside helps a little bit. Can’t talk to strangers during this time but just seeing other humans is nice.
You said you used to have a great support system. Get them on FaceTime or video call!
If you go through and read everyone’s posts here, you will find that everyone is in pain, and yet, full of so much love and support to give others. This shows that we are all worthwhile people. We still have so much to give ... as do you! You are precious and worthwhile and you need to keep living.
Please fight this! Many people are available to help you.
Hi brandalina, welcome to HU. I am so glad you reached out here. This is an amazing support group. People all here understand and care and share their love and support. I have also struggled with depression for years. I had a little when I was a teen, but became full on after I had my second child. I had suicidal thoughts often and couldn't understand why when I had such a precious children. Sounds like you have worked on the traumas of your past, but you have had losses recently, which often stir up past emotions too. Leaving your family and friends (your support system) is so hard and then losing a child too. My first suggestion is give yourself grace. You have been through a lot and you need time to heal. I have used online counseling. I actually have worked with a healthy life coach and it has been so good for me. It has helped me learn to get to know myself and love myself. It is difficult to care for others when I don't care for myself. We go through questions to figure out what is holding me back from feeling good and enjoying where I am in life now and how to get there. Moves are tough - I moved away from my family and friends when I was 9 months pregnant with my second child. I found two helpful mom support groups. MOPS (mops.org/) and MOMS Club (momsclub.org/). They are all over, so see if there is a local one by you. I have also learned to not allow negative thoughts to take over. I do this through two methods. I hope you find them helpful. The two techniques that have helped me with my anxiety and depression are 557 deep breathing and my gratitude journal. The 557 breathing technique is take 5 deep breaths in while thinking good thoughts about yourself like I matter, I am special, I am strong and then hold the breaths for the count of 7 focusing on those words about yourself, then let out the breath slowly for 5 seconds letting go of any anxious, self-defeating, unhealthy thought. I do this one to three times a sitting. The gratitude journal is writing down something good every morning and night something that went well in the day, or something I appreciate about myself. Taking our focus off of the anxiety and depression and focusing on positive uplifting things really helps. What you think is what you believe. So thinking uplifting things you believe those things but the reverse is true - thinking negative self-defeating things, you will believe those. I will be praying for you my friend. Feel free to pm me if you'd like to chat. Hugs and God Bless
Hi! Thank you for sharing your story with me and the advice. I am currently doing online therapy but only once a week. I really like your 2 techniques and will really try to implement those daily. Do you like your life coach, maybe that is something I should look into also. I don’t want to be this sad or resentful person. I want my daughter to have a happy mother, I do my best to hide it from her but she has seen me cry on occasion, I only hope it won’t effect her or she won’t remember.
Thank you! My mom came to visit this weekend which always helps but I cried like a baby when she left. Even though I live with my husband and daughter I feel so completely alone and isolated. All I want to do is lay down and cry
I am glad to hear your mom visited and you had a nice time. Where you struggling while she was there? Why do you think you cried after she left? I know you will miss her, but are you able to talk to her on a regular basis? My daughters and I talk at least 2 - 3 times a week. Are you able to communicate your feelings with your husband? There is an underlying reason why you feel alone. The thing to ask yourself is why do you feel alone. I am sure it has something to do with leaving your home and family. It will take time to adjust, so allow yourself to do that. I continue to pray for you and am here to chat. Hugs
I was not struggling while she was here, she talks so much (in a good way) that it keeps me preoccupied. I think when it’s just me and my husband (our daughter is only 18 months so doesn’t do much talking) we’re so busy with her or the house or work that it seems when we’re together we’re just watching TV or both on our phones. He’s not much of a “chitchatter” never has been. I think it’s because this place doesn’t feel like home and I am so far from family and friends. The pandemic doesn’t help because here I am in a new place and pretty much isolated from the society around me. How many daughters do you have? How old are they?
My children are now grown. I have two a 23 year old and an almost 25 year old. It was tough when they were younger and me struggling with depression. We actually moved when our daughters were three and five years old from everything we knew to a foreign country. I had no family close by and had to learn to make friends and adapt to another culture. Not focusing on the fact that I was not near family and finding a church was a big help for me. I also found a counselor that I could work with at that time. I had to learn to find things for myself as well as for the kids that I like to do. There was a women's group that had a play group I was able to join. I know with Covid that has been more difficult. But you might want to look and see if any churches have started back with programs like MOPS. Just give it time you will meet people and find a support group. I will continue to praying for you. Hugs
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