Very depressed and am scaring myself

[Lycholko]

While I have never been suicidal I’ve just been very depressed lately and I think I’m confusing these bad thoughts with suicidal thoughts. I’ve never actually considered taking my life feel but I don’t know any other way to get out of this. My therapist appointment is on Wednesday I’m not sure how long I can hold out. I did call the crisis hotline yesterday but there were some complications so it took me a half hour just to get to talk to somebody. I’m not sure what I’m supposed to do with my life. I will figure it out. I just got back from a weekend in a fancier town then I realized how crappy my life was and it just hit me. I am very grateful for where I live however, I am very jealous of how different life is for other people. They don’t have to worry about talking to family members you don't want to talk to, they can choose what they do and not feel guilty for spending time alone. I just really want that life.

[simplydusty]

Hi Lycholko, firstly I'd like to say i'm proud of you for reaching out to the community here, and the crisis hotline (even if it wasn't a fantastic experience). It takes a lot to reach out, but its a great step. We're here for you

You're 100% right, you will figure it out. And it's important to remember that, even when everything feels so heavy. Light cannot be beat out by the dark, no matter how heavy the dark is. And you are the light.

As for the jealousy, it's very easy to feel that way when you look at the "fancy" and "shiny", but a lot of times it's not as fancy or shiny as it appears. Aluminum and silver look the same until you really focus. And as I always say, cliches are cliches for a reason; due to their reality. And the applicable reality here is "The grass is always greener".

I understand what you're going through, I've been where you are. You will be okay, even if it doesn't feel like it right now. And we're always here if you need it.

[Lycholko in reply to simplydusty]

Thank you for the reply. I really appreciate the kind words. I haven't said any of this to anyone so I haven't had much support. I don't want anyone to think I am actually going to kill myself. I know I don't know you but I love you so much! <3

[bluepepper1992]

Hi Lycholko, glad also that you're reaching out. I have suffered with depression and suicidal ideation since I was in my teens and the past few years I've added anxiety to my issues.

I was shopping and found these stickers that say Don't Always Believe What You Think. I have it on my bathroom mirror & one usually in my purse. The brain can be a dangerous thing & like AA members have tried to go by the One day at a Time saying.

There have been times where I really struggled & always try to say wait till tomorrow & see if it's still that bad.

I used to think Why can't I have my life together like others who have nice homes & fancy cars and I've actually found that sometimes deep down they really aren't happy & try to put on this facade so others don't know.

Take care & let us know how things go.

[Tbine]

Hello Lycholko,. I know how you feel because I'm there too, your not alone in feeling this way about life,. My life has been a relentless barrage of suffering, misery, struggle and tears. I don't feel like i want to go on like this either. I have been a victim to other people's ill will towards me for reasons only they know? I have come to despise life in general and find it harder to find reasons to go on this way. The only reason i have right now is i can't do that to my wife, she has been with me through it all, and i just won't do that to her because she needs me here for support. If i were to lose her i wouldn't hesitate to end my darkness here. Please try to find a reason, one reason to go on. Take it one day at a time, feel the pain, feel the depression, the sadness, the tears. Don't run from it, don't hide from it, just feel it there until it's ready to leave you. I know it's much easier said than done,. Keep telling yourself you have no choice but to feel this until it subsides and it will. Good luck friend in your battle.