I’m done

[weegmack]

I don’t want to live anymore. Covid has ruined all of our lives. I have lost all hope that this will ever be over. I have walked away from my faith also. In Scotland we are facing what I feel are draconian restrictions now and I know of many people who are contemplating suicide, rather than live in lockdown anymore. So many businesses and jobs lost, so much loneliness, so many special moments ruined. I hate life and I hate what’s happening and I see no point in hoping it will ever get better

[Hidden]

I am saddened to hear that the pandemic has affected your faith that way. The restrictions are horrible, but there is always hope. Please don’t give up on God. He has never given up on you. Covid19 has been a perfect storm, but God is there to get us through this.

“God allows himself to be a lighthouse to see us through storms. Then, God allows storms, so we love the lighthouse long after the storms.”

“In order for the light to shine so brightly, the darkness must also be present.”

“If you close your eyes, no lighthouse can help you!”

[akshataha]

Please stay strong.

You are not Alone

[Jeff1943]

Weegmack, let me explain why you feel so bad about the Covid. When you have high anxiety or anxiety disorder all the bad things in life seem ten times worse than normal.

So your reaction to Covid is an exaggerated response. Human beings have survived for tens of thousands of years through War and even Ice Ages because we are blessed with the power to adapt successfully to adverse situations.

What we are enduring now can be compared to the great changes and challenges that people had to live with in World War Two. Yet very, very few people decided to die by their own hand. People adapted to new threats and new roles which they had to play - and got on with it.

You can put up with the restrictions because you know it is not forever. This pandemic will eventually run its course and the virulence of the Covis bugs will weaken and will decline. This is what happened with the Spanish flu bug that killed millions in 1918/1919.

Businesses can be rebuilt in no time at all: Germany was a heap of rubble at the end of WW2 but within a few years people were referring to the 'Economic miracle' as Germany rebuilt itself from scratch.

Where is it written: not forever by still waters? The G-man upstairs sends these things to try us. The purpose of life is the evolution to a higher form and we do this not by partying (unfortunately) but by our handling of adversity.

No, you will not die by your own hand, nor the people you mention. You will all rise to the challenge and emerge as better people because of it.

God is not in social services, He is not here to preside over a huge holiday camp. He is constantly testing us, testing us. Walk away from your faith if you wish but you are walking away from destiny.

Somebody who had a near death experience recently and passed in to presence of God had the temerity to ask Him why he allowed so much suffering in the world and was given the answer: "There has to be pain because there is love."

You will come through this crisis, weegmack. Life lies ahead.

[weegmack in reply to Jeff1943]

I honestly don’t want to walk away from my faith. However, I was raised to believe in a merciful, mighty God and I just cannot see that in action now. All I see is loss, redundancy, death, suffering. Believe me, I have been tested by God more times that I can count and I’m pushed to my limit now. It’s hard to go on believing in a loving higher power, who seems quite content to watch His creation suffer.

Covid will pass eventually, but at what cost? The suicide rate in the U.K. has risen by 200% since April.

I’ve been waiting for three years to move away from a town that I’m scared to live in. I can’t wait any longer, I’m desperate. X

[Jeff1943 in reply to weegmack]

Do not blame God for the actions of mortals. We are all given free will remember. God is not here to ensure an easy life but to see how we respond in the face of problems. He is merciful in that he does not judge us when the time comes, we judge ourselves. No test is given without the strength to face it.

[Hidden]

Weegmack,

I'm sorry you're hurting so much with this. The truth is we don't know when things will get back to normal. It could even be tomorrow! We just don't know. And not knowing is the hardest part about this. I'm sorry it's hard. This pandemic has really thrown all of us for a loop.

Do you have family and friends you can talk to over Skype? I use Messenger to connect with my family and, while it's not the same, it is better than nothing. Just think if this had happened before technology came about.

[weegmack in reply to Hidden]

I have one friend. I have been through a difficult time in the last few years. My daughters were groomed by a pedophile in our church and he tried to sexually assault me and he also punched my husband (long story). I had a lot of friends through church, but only one left now, as a result of what happened. My daughters are 20 and 18, supposed to be having the time of their lives at uni, but stuck in the backwater where we live doing their lessons online. We had hoped to move away from here, as I am afraid of being here after what happened. But of course, moving house is almost impossible just now.

My friend and I used to go for walks but it looks like Nicola Sturgeon is about to stop all that again. My husband is an eternal optimist, rational and impatient with me. I have a bit of a complicated relationship with my mum, as she has taken many years to believe that mental health is a real thing. So I don’t get a lot of support from her.

We FaceTime with my in-laws on a Sunday and with my mum on a Saturday. She has also been in our bubble (she is widowed), but I’m afraid of that not being allowed after today also. I don’t speak to anyone else apart from that. My husband works from home, the kids are at home, but I feel extremely alone, afraid and isolated.

I just can’t see a way forward and spend a lot of time wondering if I’d be better off dead.

[Hidden in reply to weegmack]

I understand how hard it is. I hear a lot of nostalgia for normal life here ("used to", "supppsed to be", "I had", etc). I'm not saying that there is anything wrong with that, btw. It's normal to do this I would think. I am instead saying that it makes it that much harder to live in these times when clinging to how things used to be. Again, this is not a criticism at all. I'm just trying to think along with you about how you can move forward.🙂 You say that your kids are home. Maybe you can try to enjoy them being with you instead of at university where, depending on where they'd be, probably wouldn't see you nearly as much. Maybe you can make a schedule for being at home so that you have some structure.

Just remember that no one knows how much longer we have to endure this. To say that things will get back to normal within the next week is probably wishful thinking, but I believe that this will end.

For the first time since both my husband and I can remember, we won't be able to see family for Christmas. It is going to be really hard, but I am determined to make the most of it by decorating our apartment and cooking a nice meal.

[weegmack in reply to Hidden]

I genuinely am enjoying my kids being at home. They had actually moved into a flat share in Glasgow at the beginning of September. But they came home because they were afraid of the ever-increasing restrictions not allowing them to be with us. But they’re both very busy with their coursework all day. And most evenings they are calling their friends. I’m just no company for them, because I can’t think of anything to say and I’ve just lost my ability to smile or laugh.

I’ve just run out of fight and I don’t see how I’m going to get through this. I really don’t 😢

[Hidden in reply to weegmack]

Do you have any hobbies that you share with your daughters? For example, both my mom and I enjoy needle crafts (her knitting and me cross-stitch,) so whenever I go visit I go to her knitting groups with her.

[weegmack in reply to Hidden]

We used to play music together - we all play piano, guitar and we sing. But they’ve kinda grown out of doing that with me now. Sometimes we colour or paint together, but now that uni has started, they’re so busy all day. Both their courses are very full-on! So by the time their done, they just want to watch Netflix. It’s a transitional time in my life I think and I’m struggling with it. Xx

[Hidden in reply to weegmack]

Well, that's neat! What a nice memory to have!!

Is there anything that your girls watch that interest you too?

[weegmack]

I’m just totally overwhelmed. As you say, life has felt out of control for about three years. I also lost my stepdad during that time. We’ve also had one crisis after another in the family and when the pandemic started, I just felt this overriding desire to give up.

I do know that my daughters need me. I do. But I can’t stop thinking about ending my life, because I can’t bear to watch them struggle. I’m also totally horrible to be around. I think I’m beyond help to be honest. I never go anywhere now - I’m afraid of bumping into the families involved in the church thing. So I don’t go out for a walk and that has spilled over into me not getting in the car to drive somewhere else for a walk. I have chronic daily headache and IBS, so I’m unfit and I’m super fed up. It’s just got to that stage where I’m beyond helping myself and I just don’t know how to get through the coming months. Xx

[weegmack]

Thank you. This is comforting and I really appreciate it. Whereabouts are you in Scotland? I’m in East Ayrshire. Xxx

[Oceania23 in reply to weegmack]

Your welcome. We are in West Lothian

[Hidden]

Hey,

I am so so sorry you are in such pain right now.

I can’t really find the words to say, but it’s an amazingly brave thing that you opened up and voiced your pain. We can’t heal wounds if we don’t acknowledge them, and whether you know it or not, you took the first step to healing.

I read through some of the lower comments, and I can see that you and your family have been through tremendous, unspeakable suffering. I am so sorry.

I’m not going to try to preach or give a long essay. I just want to say that your life was given to you for a purpose, and every day you wake up alive means that your story has not yet been finished. You and your family are priceless human beings who deserve life and prosperity and happiness. Me and others are praying for you. Please do not end your life. We love you and we want you here.

God bless you,

Jay

[weegmack in reply to Hidden]

Thank you ♥️. I’m still here. Been crying all morning. I just feel so awful. But I greatly appreciate your very kind reply, it helps a lot. Xxx

[Hidden in reply to weegmack]

I’m glad you’re still with us.

I’m sorry to hear about the crying. Maybe just take today as a rest day, if you can.

Anytime. I’m here if you need to talk and so are the other people here. God bless you. I pray you have a great day.

[weegmack]

I’m sorry you have IBS too. I’ve had it since I was a wee girl and my parents didn’t really deal with it too well. So I have a lot of anxiety around it. I’m wheat free and low dairy, so it’s normally under good control. But lately it’s been a bit unpredictable due to how anxious I am.

I managed out for a walk yesterday, with my youngest daughter. So that was something xxx

[Gillyflower18]

I feel for you! I understand a lot of it. While I didn’t have such a dreadful experience as you and your girls I have had depression and anxiety for many years and like you this whole covid thing gets to me from time to time. I took have cried and felt paralyzed by it all. I’ve also questioned my faith and struggle with it every day. I live alone with no real support from anyone in this trying time so believe me I know where you are coming from. What keeps me going is the truth that nothing is permanent. All situations come and go and this will too. Keep your chin up and together we’ll weather the storm. 👍👍👍