So low for how high?

[VDC1]

When I’m low, sometimes I will fantasize about death for hours on end. I fantasize about every aspect of it in great detail and analysis. I think about the irony of wanting to die to end the thoughts about dying. Sometimes it is like my mind is is a TV and it is paused on the image of my death. But strangely, as much as I fantasize about my death, I never feel like I’m not in control and that I’d carry anything out.

It’s the high’s that are scarier to me. When I’m high I have no desire whatsoever to die, yet I know that my risky behaviour seems more likely to cause me bodily harm or even death than me having suicidal ideation.

I sometimes think about those who have killed themselves and wonder how close did they think they were to crossing the line before they crossed it? How many years and hours of unwanted thoughts did they endure?

[hurtingheart1]

Wow these are truly awful terribly sad thoughts!! 😱🥺😂No one should be having to think all these things it’s just not meant to be this way& my heart goes out to you!!💞💞💞I don’t know what’s caused you these thought but I pray for you not to hav them for any of us here going through deep pain & sadness to somehow find help and hope& & much happier thoughts and days!!!🙏🏼🌞🌸🌻

[VDC1 in reply to hurtingheart1]

Thanks for the support

[Shnookie]

Please listen to me very carefully. If U live in the United States call Suicide Prevention

Hotline right away. I beg U your life is so

precious and U need to take care of

yourself. U R worth it.

The number is 800-273-8255. Please tell me what type of high risk behavior U R

involved in. I WANT U TO GeT BEtter.

Please get back to I’m in your corner

Hugs 🤗 love ❤️ shnookie. Do it U R

Worth it. Do U take any meds? Are U seeing a therapist. I expect to hear back from U very soon

[VDC1 in reply to Shnookie]

Thanks for your support. I’m not seeing a therapist currently, no meds. I am bipolar though.

[Lotita]

HelIo! I hear you and you said you're quite in control of these thoughts /fascination about death and that's good to know. If you don't like having them so much, you can consider CBT (cognitive behavioural therapy) which train you to control thoughts. As for the worries you have of self harm when you are 'Hi' it would be good to find someone to help you with that! Don't just keep it to yourself. These thoughts which lead to self-harming behavior - you want to have a supportive person you trust and listen to, who can assist you to stop. Therapists can be good at doing it. Safety contracts are good to have. You deserve to be safe, always . P.s. I have a fascination with death thoughts too, etc. but never self-harming. So that part is normal I think! A lot of gory story books are best sellers.

[VDC1 in reply to Lotita]

Thanks for the support. I do believe in CBT also. I should look into exercises to do in that regard

[hurtingheart1 in reply to Lotita]

What are the safety contracts you mentioned? Please can you explain more about this? Thank you