Struggling today. I am a full time student and an overachiever. I like to do all of my work a week ahead so if something comes up I can address it without falling behind. Unfortunately, many things have gone wrong and now I’m finding it hard to stay on top of the coursework.
My best friends husband had a heart attack scare so I drove the 2 hours out to be with her and help with the kids. She wasn’t allowed to take them into the ER with her. I am so grateful I could do that, and even more grateful that it was not a heart attack. But this took up some valuable time I could’ve been doing school work. And that’s fine, I had made a plan to stay on track.
But I couldn’t stay on track because my significant other, the love of my life, lost the little control he had over his active substance abuse disorder with alcohol. His drinking destabilizes me, I can’t plan around it because its unpredictable. I’ve been living with him for 2 years now, I’m used to it for the most part, but occasionally it’s worse than normal. This is one of those time. It’s gotten so bad that he’s physically unable to stop. He’s missed two days of work because he cant stop. And the whole while he’s having panic attacks, crying sporadically, and just wants to hold my hand. But I need my hands! I need to study and finish assignments and take care of myself and my own needs! But when he’s drunk, he doesnt have the self restraint to give me the space I need and so telling him any of that does nothing to help me.
I managed to still make all of my appointments, Ive been to my dentist, I saw my neurologist, I kept up with therapy. But as important as these things are, they also take up valuable time I need.
And to top it all off, I am in a weird financial lull. I am literally broke, $0 until October 7th. I have tried to make as many ends meet as possible. I sold home made crafts, I did some delivery driving (until I ran out of gas), just to be able to pay my own bills. This took up a lot of my time too and technically, it’s not really enough. I need to be doing more but I don’t have the time. I have all of my bills covered, some I will pay my room mates back for when I get my funds on October 7th. But I don’t have money for food. So I’m eating things I don’t like, cleaning out the pantry, and at the same time trying to ration cause I need to make it a couple more weeks. It’s all been so stressful and I’ve been dealing with this all month.
It helps to know its temporary, I’m not behind on my coursework, I’m just not ahead which makes me feel like I’m cutting it close, soon I wont have any financial concerns, but for now, its too much.
I wish there was somewhere else I could go to study, somewhere quiet and away from my significant other. I love him dearly but I can’t have the distractions. I just haven’t found a solution yet. Can’t go anywhere in the first place because I don’t have gas in the car, can’t go many other places because of the pandemic but also because I am highly distracted by sounds. I cannot concentrate to more than one stimulus at a time and if I go to a cafe, I will have to deal with the sounds of the people preparing orders, the people ordering, the people dining in and conversing... Even if I sat outside I’d have to deal with the cars driving by, the people walking in, etc. I can’t do ear plugs because when I wear them every bodily function is amplified. Suddenly every breathe and swallow is audible. I don’t have a solution for this yet but I’m trying to find something.
I am getting help from my social worker tomorrow. He will give me a gas card, that will help me get to a food pantry. This will help relieve some of the burden. And then I just need to figure out how to protect myself from becoming overwhelmed with my SO’s attempts to detox and get sober. He refuses medically assisted treatment and so there’s nothing I can do for him, but I need his withdrawal and panic attacks to stop triggering my panic attacks and anxiety. I don’t know how I can do that because I am so well educated on how dangerous it is for him to get sober without medical supervision or intervention.
Venting about it here really helped. If anyone read it all, thank you for listening.
Phobia of developing mental illness 
Caretaker of Mental Illness and Coping Support Needed!
My mental illness is too much for my husband 
Rejected because of mental illness
My mental illness
