Hey so I tried to kill myself about a week ago. Not like I haven’t done so before, but things I’ve done in the past might have been more self harm than full blown trying to die.
So I have done some recreational drug use in the past. The difference this time was I am now taking anti depressants. I took ecstasy two days in a row. It wasn’t until I took some the second day did I really notice the change in me. I was weirdly emotional (which could have been nothing because I’m Just very emotional) and it felt like my antidepressants might not be working. The sadness I felt while crying was just different or off.
I decided to look up alcohol and my antidepressant since I had been drinking wine right before I started crying. Than I thought to look up the effects drugs have on you while taking antidepressants. That’s when everything started to make sense. My pills weren’t working because the effects of the drugs on the body clashes with the SSIR.
Long story short my body acted like I had went cold turkey on my pills but 10x worse. My negative thoughts spiraled out of control and I was alone with no one to help. I left the house with my bottle of wine mixed with vodka and sat at the park watching the rain storm while my thoughts went all over till I convinced myself I needed to go hang myself. I had planned everything out and felt so adamant about my decision.
Luckily I was unable to fully go through with it. I did call the suicide prevention phone number and vented/cried but that didn’t help me change my mind. I tried again right after I got off the phone promising the women I wouldn’t. I’m pretty sure it was my fear of the pain from the nose I made out of my dogs chain leash. I was too scared to fully kick away the wood I was standing on.
I told my bf and he forced me to unlock my phone and called my mom. Now my mom is terrified of losing me and I feel bad for making her cry (she doesn’t cry).
.......... I still feel like things would have been better off for everyone without me.
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Layce
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I know what You mean I too attempted suicide last week. Today I feel Empty. "Passively Suicidal" is what they call it. Find someone to cling to; someone You Won't let down, and Stay In Contact With Them. It'll Help. 💕
When I get scared or confused I can't think straight and suicide Always floods my mind. I am a "passive suicidalist" but right now I'm having trouble staying strong.
I too attempted a few days ago. Thought for sure it would work, never tried before just thought about it daily. I have no idea what happened to me after I “went to sleep” in the back of my car with a blanket over my body. The next thing I remember was waking up in the ER 12 hours later, no idea how I got there, don’t remember a thing about that day at all.
What happens when someone attempts suicide is the pain and damage they leave behind. My boy's dad committed suicide 7 years ago and it nearly destroyed my youngest son and the pain is still there. So are the what if's, why? What could I have done? I'm not just talking from the side of my mouth because I have suicidal ideations daily, to some degree. What stops me each time? My faith, my family, and my fur baby. And those three things are extremely important to me and in that order. You are seriously hurting and feeling hopeless. But you don't have to be alone! Let us help you work through what is really going on that maybe even you don't realize. I promise you, suicide is not the answer. Once you are gone, that's it. And many people who attempt it, fail, and the results can be devestating. Please talk to people you trust before attempting anything again. Yes, suicide prevention is wonderful, but sometimes you need someone that truly understands because they have been there. I'm not knowledgable in whether or not Suicide Prevention operators are also survivors so I never want to steeer people away from that wonderful help. I have used it myself in the past. Hugs.
My therapist Only made things worse bc I called her before I did it. We agreed I was to talk to her before I did anything and so I did and she kept trying to get me to talk to someone else. That hurts SOooo Bad that I fired her and have sworn I will never talk to another one. I have told myself that I won't let my boyfriend down and that keeps me grounded.
I feel good and stable now that my meds are working like they are supposed to. It’s just weird because it’s not like anything has changed for the better or feel resolved. The thing I use to hold onto was that my niece needed me alive. But she is older now and I feel like she handled me moving out great. So now she has moved to the category of people I love that I couldn’t hurt anymore if I wasn’t alive.
I really am just continuing my life as if my mental breakdown didn’t happen; I start school tomorrow. But the feeling of me being dead would be a good thing is looming in the back behind everything currently going on...... it’s just weird. But still I’m trying not to overthink it cuz that’s when the negative thoughts start.
I'll Always be "Passively suicidal" I'll Always Want to die but never again will I attempt again as long as I have my boyfriend bc I Don't want to let Him down. On my difficult days I remind myself of His Love for me; not that it changes the situation but it helps me get through the moment.
Good for you. have positive thoughts don't overthink things. Cling to the people that love you. Talk to a good therapist and a school therapist.God bless.
Find a different therapist. I went through about 4 before I found an amazing one. If a therapist makes you feel worse, you definitely should get rid of them. You deserve a good fit. There are good ones out there who actually help. It’s like any field ~ there’s good & bad & in between. Please hang in there. We want you here. 💗
I’m so happy you didn’t do it. Trust me, no one would be better off without you. Their lives would never ever be the same. I’ve tried to kill myself 9 times. The first one was the worst, I was in a coma for 4 days and they did t know if I was going to be a vegetable. My poor father cried the entire plane ride to see me, then moved into the ICU waiting room to be w me at any and all times. Prior to attempting, I was 120% certain that everyone would be so much better off without me. I went into what I describe a robotic mode- I had to do this, period, family will be better off period. I was a horrible person period. It was ALL SO WRONG. So very very wrong. This is an illness that distorts your thoughts. The illness told me all of these wrong things in such a brainwashing fashion that I swore it all was true. I will never forgive what I put my family through. They are still harmed to this day by my actions. My dad and I have had really good talks about it, and while he understands more now, his heart still hurts for his little girl for whom he can’t stop her pain. I spent 30 days in a really good psych hospital and they helped a lot. However I really needed at least 3-4 months. But insurance stopped paying after a month. It’s now been 20 years since my last attempt. I’ve made some of my very best friends in group therapy, while hospitalized ( two times each Lasting 30 days each), I learned so much. And my meds were stabilized making for a happier me. You are valuable, you are loved, you have an illness which makes you think things that aren’t true, A 30 day residential setting like I had would be wonderful for you. Many healing thoughts and wishes coming your way.
I am crying reading this and all the heartfelt concerns that you guys are saying to her . I never tried committing suicide but it is always in my mind. Hope that I can cope up and will never do something really really bad. And to you Pink2pink stay were here
I'm so glad you didn't go through with it and that your meds are helping. Maybe you can remember that the voice saying people are better off without you is just a symptom of your illness?
I do hope you'll reconsider getting another therapist. Maybe the one you had just wasn't a good fit.
Thanks for sharing , Nowhere did I read about Counseling? Honestly you should Not had told you’re mom, now she’s going to feel responsible if you do? That’s what moms do we want to fix things for our kids. She can’t, she Now she’s going tourment herself wondering what she did Wrong for you feeling this Way? So look into counseling and pretend with your mom that you’re Fine so she’ll Stop feeling Guilty? I wish you the Best 🙏😷
I am so sorry you went through this. You are always worth living and you matter to someone. At times we truly believe we don’t matter to anyone but that’s just our illness talking. So please rem you are loved and wanted.
I have thought about suicide many times because I was diagnosed with ovarian cancer at the age of 48. I was recently divorced and raising my son. I recently had those thought because I had four life changing events happen within two weeks. My son relocated two weeks before Covid hit NY, the day I started working remotely I found out that the cancer was back and I was forced to break up with my bf of five years. I tried not telling anyone about the recurrence but by then I couldn’t go food shopping and I was feeling ill from the new chemo. I was home alone for more than five weeks except for chemo treatment. I felt like I had been put into a black hole where the walls were closing in on me. I finally called one of the 800 numbers for depression during Covid and felt a little better. I then reached out to my old therapist and starting talking to her. I could no longer hide how I was feeling from my family since I was constantly crying. I lost 12 pounds in one week because I couldn’t eat. The anxiety was so bad that I felt like someone was standing on my chest. Now, I am back on Lexapro, I am talking to a psychiatrist at the recommendation of my oncologist and whenever I start to feel like I am anxious I call someone. I go for a walk, a car ride, I hug my dog. I also developed insomnia for which I am being treated as well. All in all I take 10 pills a day and I am feeling much better. I forgot to mention that I had to find a new place to live so I could be closer to family which I just did. Covid has impacted a lot of people more than expected. It forced us all to live differently. For me it has taught me to slow down and enjoy my family, friends and being alive for however long I have. I could not commit suicide because I would be leaving my family with the eternal question of why? That is not fair. Talk to the people you love, seek medical help, join a support group. You matter. Love yourself everyday. Say it out loud if you have to. Whatever is really bothering can be dealt with if you believe in yourself. Don’t give up. Try helping people who are in need, volunteer in a soup kitchen or an animal shelter. It feels very rewarding to help those in need. It took me three months, medication, heart to heart talks, lots of crying and feeling like I was all alone in the world to feel better. I am not 100% yet but I’m not giving up. Talk to us. We are here.❤️
I’m really sorry, that was heartbreaking to read. We are here anytime you need. ❤️
Hang in there sweetie, it will pass. You are loved and cared for. Just keep reaching out and you will feel better. I am glad you reached out we are here for you.
Anti-depressants take weeks if not months to actually take affect.
I have thought about offing myself for the last 40 years. The only thing that kept me going was the thought, that the Universe is spiteful, and the next day of my life would have been the best day of my life.
I still think about it almost daily. But I'm still here. Most days, I don't feel much, other days I am depressed. Occasionally there are better moments.
Death is a long term fix for a short term problem.
Not feeling is better than not being.
Depression sucks, but what if the right drug does the right thing for you and you just haven't tried it yet.
If you find one that really helps, let me know please.
My boyfriend d killed himself and it left alot of destruction behind. Are you trying to punish someone?
After doing alot of research on suicide, spiritually, NDE's I found out when you wake up on the other side you are still in the same emotional pain you were in when you commited suicide. So suicide is not a escape hatch to relieve your pain. I am so sorry you are suffering but you are going to have to stop the drinking & get some real professional help. You can get on the other side of this and have a good life. Its up to you. We care about you here and I will be praying for you.💗🙏
You are very lucky to have a friend and a mom that care about you. I have no one that cares in my life and very low income, and no reason to live. When I can find a way that is full proof to off myself, I'm gone. I'll bet you are young. Live your life and be grateful for the people that love you.
No reason to live? Not even to help people on this site? You must be older than most and there for more experienced and knowlegable. I am sure there is a way to put that to good use.
I was trying to say that your life experiences could be a help to people. Thus, you do have a reason to live. Every person has value. Every person has the capacity to do something to help the world. Even a smile or a wave can make someone's day and who knows where the effects would lead? That whole "butterfly flaps its wings" thing.
I never thought about myself in that way, if it helped you understand how lucky you are that people care about you, then I guess I did help you, and I am grateful for that. I also understand that you had a dog that died. I am so sorry. I have a dog also, so I can also empathize with you. My dog is brave, strong and smart and also very pretty, I'm told. She is a Bishypoo and will be 13 years old in December. It is very hard, seeing her age, since I raised her as a puppy, when she was 8 weeks old. She is all I have.
See what i mean??? You can EMPATHIZE with people. Some people cannot. The longer i am on this site the more i think depressed people are just more considerate than the average joe. Maybe the intense pain and suffering helps them to be more empathetic and willing to help others. I dont know. I am just trying to figure out things myself.
You are absolutely right! The majority of people that are so called "average Joe's, have no clue about being empathetic. It's like my horrible and selfish Aunt that I have hated for years. Remember this: If it never happen to her, then it just doesn't exist. Many people I have come in contact with through the years have the same mentality. Most of these people are confident and it's all about them. Believe me, they don't understand and they really don't care. People like us that have depression, totally understand, because we are a sensitive bunch. That's why this group is such a good group for understanding and help. It helps you feel you are not alone.
Sounds like you're young with a lot to live for. Don't give up. I'm 71, alone, and my dog died 2 1/2 years ago. I've been looking for ways to make me happy again, to no avail. Can you think of something that would make you happy? I can't. I've decided on a method to end my life, but I won't share that with you. I guess things just aren't bad enough yet. We'll see what happens after the election. Maybe I'll find the balls to do it then, depending of the outcome.
So are you saying the election may help you decide? I would ask who you want to win, but that is such a touchy topic it is probably not a good idea to bring it up here. (You could pm me if you wanted) And thank you for not discussing specific methods. People dont generally need more ideas.
Anyhow, i am very sorry to hear of you situation. I am also sorry to hear about your dog. When my last one died years ago I was a hairs breath away from in patient care. It may seem silly to some people, but one of the reasons i am still around is all the dogs waiting for a loving good home. I could give another dog a good life. I am single, no kids, and need a purpose in life. Having no kids, not being able to cure cancer or fix hate, i had to come up with another reason. I have decided my reason is to try to help people and animals. Not every animal lover is able to adopt one, but often there is another way they can help. Volunteer at a shelter, foster a pet, fill in for fosters on vacation, work at a dog sitting or walking place, offer to walk or bring animals belonging to seniors or disabled folks to the vet. Maybe help fundraise. There are so many things that need caring people to do them. I have found the people on this site seem more caring than the general population. We need more caring, considerate people in the world. Not fewer. So please consider sticking around and helping the rest of us.
I would suggest getting another dog. They are loyal and non judgemental. I have two and they lift my spirits every day. A wagging tail is hard to resist and not smile.
And what a wonderful gift that would be to the lucky dog. To be loved and valued, and happy. Like what we all want. You could make a dogs life that much better, whether you adopt one or just lent a helping paw.
Layce. Please call the doctor who prescribed you the antidepressants! He or she needs to know how u are reacting to the meds. It takes time to get it right! Please get ahold of your doctor . Keep talking to this group but it sounds you need to get a therapist and straighten out your meds. Please do not mix with other drugs! I took a prescribed Valium with my antidepressant and a friend came over. I drank two glasses of wine and had. Walking talking crying personality change black out! Glad I wasn’t driving could of killed someone!
I am glad you survived your suicide attempt, since I'll bet you are a young woman and have a lot more to go in your life. Have the hope that your life will change and maybe they will come up with better ways to help people like us with such painful lives and brains. Feel better.
Laycee, I'm not sure if I sent the above message to you or Opera Lady, but it was meant for you. I'm sorry! Please read it!
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