Today was not a good day. I was very happy to go back to work yesterday, and I got a full day in. I had been off for nearly 6 weeks on unpaid leave due to what turned out to be a nearly destroyed left hip joint from osteoarthritis and bursitis. I'm 49 and was told that I have the hip of a 60 year old. I still don't know how to take that. It will soon have to be replaced. To top that off, my right hip is beginning to feel the same which is not surprising.
So, I go in today as scheduled by my boss only to be told that I cannot return to work with ANY restrictions as this was not an injury that occurred on the job. now it's all about paperwork and "coordination". Somehow though, I'm being told, or it certainly seems as if I'm paying for all the mistakes of my past.
My insurance is disappearing, my rent and bills are still due, and now I'm back to less than square one.
It's my fault that I could respond as quickly as I "should" have to having to walk into work when I can't get a ride though I've only been late twice and only by no more than 10 minutes- even this past winter. It's my fault that I've been off so long. It's my fault that I can't do what is the basis of my position at work. It's my fault that my bills and rent are behind. Well, no, it isn't, but my mind tells me that this is the truth and it absolutely sucks to have this kind of thinking plague me every single day. Whether all day or just at the times "it" decides to affect my thinking sucks.
Now, after today, I began to physically feel like I was going to pass out. I mean, just sitting here after I got home. Actually, that feeling has been sneaking up on me over the course of the past week for whatever reason, no matter where I was mentally. So I slept. Now I'm back to the mundane reality of waiting for "things to happen", those very things that are my fault. EVERYTHING IRRITATES ME!
I don't know if it even matters now whether I've been like this all my life or not. I had really wanted to introduce some friends to aviation, and now I can't. I cannot do that haphazardly. I have never compromised aviation safety with personal desires. There are so many examples of that kind of behavior leading to fatal accidents and I simply won't do it. In aviation, the first thing above all things is safety. If only my mind would take a similar approach to being.
Didn't Outgrow Social Anxiety?
I didn't think it would happen to me. But it did.
Depression sucks
Insomnia sucks. 
Agoraphobia sucks
