How do I accept myself if others dont accept me? How do I believe in myself when others don't believe in me?

Its really hard for me to deal with not being understood or accepted fully. It makes me feel I don't belong anywhere. This in turn takes me back to the loneliness of childhood and having no one to turn to around me. I think its a bigger battle to be ok in ourselves and be content in our own knowledge of who we are when we've had nowhere to feel accepted. I think its easier to brush off other's doubts, abuse, misunderstandings when one has had a healthier upbringing where there was a sense of value and belonging instilled. But for ones who haven't had this, other's words and acceptance mean more. They can make a difference in a person's life and raise their spirits. On the other hand other's doubts and misunderstanding can be traumatic if there is a gaping hole in our hearts of needing love and belonging that we never had.

For me, there's also alot of heart wrenching pain at feeling as a child I was never good enough to feel accepted. It can feel so traumatic for me to feel misunderstood now and misinterpreted as having bad motives when I'm not the person others may think I am. The bigger the doubt on my character the lonelier I feel. I think at least in part it goes back to having no family other than my alcoholic dad, being sexually abused and feeling I must be a bad kid for being left on my own. I always believed no one talked to me in my family because they see me as bad. That the things I did sexually must mean Im 'a bad kid' who needs to be avoided. The loneliness and craving for love was horrendously painful. Id cry all day every day yearning for some affection that I'd end up soaking my pillow. As a child I couldn't understand it was just because my mum was selfish why she left and why her whole family didn't ever want to know me. I couldn't interpret that all my dad's side were alcoholics. I just felt I was too bad for anyone.

I get the same feeling now when I feel punished over and over by people who wont let me move on from feeling a bad person. Ive made some mistakes in my life, some really understandable ones but I have a conscience so Ive felt alot of pain for them and Ive done my absolute best to put them right. But for many in society this isnt always good enough. Or people can just doubt and misunderstand or not care to look beyond the surface. That hurts immensely. It hurts to be doubted. It hurts to feel Im not worthy of acceptance just like I felt as a child. It hurts to feel I deserve to be doubted. I know its understandable others need time to trust and understand but the pain of loneliness it triggers in me is too much. I feel like I cant carry on at times. I feel my best isnt good enough and therefore I don't deserve to be treated with love. In some ways, if people think I am bad it would be easier if I was the actual bad person they think I am. Then, I could at least accept what they think as true and I'd fit into the place they've carved out for me. But I know in my heart that although I have low self esteem and don't think well of myself, that Im not a horrible person either. I know its not fair for me to be made out to be someone Im not. But its such a big battle to accept myself and know I don't deserve this harsh treatment. Its such a big battle to accept myself and that I just make mistakes. Its such a big battle to remember Im no worse than anyone else even though the way I was treated as a child and the way I'm treated now implies I am. Its so hard to be reassured when I learnt all along I must be a bad kid. Its so hard to be reassured when I feel people don't believe in me enough to accept me now. I don't mind people believing absolute nonsense about me as long as I have a place where Im truely understood. Without this the resulting loneliness is as traumatic as I felt as a child. So without this, how do I do this?! How do I accept who I am despite the past abuse and despite not feeling others accept me either? I feel punished over and over by my memories and by mistakes I cant do any more to put right. Where do I get this acceptance from? I think I have to accept the fact I need to learn to be ok with others defining me as something Im not. I think I need to learn to accept the fact others wont accept me. Thats super hard for someone who has always wanted to belong and never has.

[Smarticus]

I know exactly how you feel, it looks like you have done a lot of soul searching and you know the answer already... You need to love and accept yourself first. As Groucho Marx said (ish) "I don’t want to belong to any club that will accept me as a member" Forge your own path, live your own life and dont look to others for acceptance. Be strong and accept that life is a bit shit sometimes and focus on the positives. Sorry for the short reply but you sound very smart and I know you are very capable of getting through this. HTH

[Hidden in reply to Smarticus]

Thank you for your reply. Short or long I appreciate you taking the time to write this. This is genuinely my nemesis. Sometimes it all feels too much. To really love and accept others even though I know I don't get that back is hard. Thats my path. I know its what I need, so I give it to others even if I don't get it. Its just tiring thats all and hard to carry on at times.

[Hidden]

Hello

So sad to read your post and all you have been through

You were a child , an Innocent child and those that abused you should be in pain and turmoil not you and they should be begging for acceptance not you !

I don't know if you have ever had Counselling but even if you have it is needed to get this all in perspective that you are not to blame

You are strong and brave to open up to people and tell them how you feel

They took your spirit abusing you , now as an adult take it back knowing you are worth it

Someone said to me that I might want to be accepted , want to be loved and yes we all want that it feels good but people will let you down but the one person that you can love that won't let you down is yourself

Start faking it to make it and every day look through that mirror and tell yourself you love yourself because you are a great person

And as far as you thinking you have made mistakes look at your past and is there any wonder you might have the way you were treated , but even if all those things had not happened we are human and show me one that can say they have never messed up and I will call them out because we all have and that is how we learn what is right and wrong , but regretfully as you were growing up the adults well they were just dreadfully wrong and trust me you are not to blame

There is no more abuse as you are now an adult but by keeping hold of these feelings and thoughts you are allowing that abuse to continue , please let them go and don't let them hurt you any more , you are worth so much more

Take Care x