This is Me Hurting

This is Me Hurting.

This is how my life is going to be.

Invalidated.

Always chasing false recognition and always begging for validation. Ever since I was young, I am always the inferior one. No matter how I prove myself, I am always stupid and the dumb one.

Now, I am married with kids. Still inferior and stupid. No matter what I do, I am always left behind and needs to give way to superior ones. Always misunderstood and always need to explain myself. My feelings and thoughts, don’t matter because they are unreasonable. I always communicate, voice my concerns, and always be the best version of me. I am always brave—-at least I try, for the people who matters. But when I hurt, my intentions are ill and unreasonable.

All I did was try to understand people around me why they do what they do. All I do was explain myself, why I decide on things to make myself feel recognized and validated. But for whatever reason, HE is always the good one and I am always at wrong.

This event with my son is really hard to let go. I am still trying to be strong and survive this pain. But since people see, how personable of a person HE is. I don’t matter, therefore my thoughts and feelings, don’t matter because I am wrong and HE is trying his best. Apparently, I don’t.

Depression is here. That I’m sure. And the thoughts are slowly creeping in, cos it hurts really bad. No one will understand. I don’t know who else to talk to. They say they understand, but no one knows how bad it gets. It is really hard to move forward. I don’t know how else to do proceed with my class. Should I even continue?

I hurt. No one knows. And here I am again spiraling in this black hole. Sometimes its hard to breathe, but I look fine. My chest feels heavy, but every one thinks I feel fine. I try to reach out, but they say I am overreacting and just move on and understand because his job matters more than yours. He matters more than you. He is the father of your kids and you’re just the mother. If he is all that and I am nothing. Then why am I married to him? Why am I still with him?

I want peace.

I want to heal.

I want to matter.

I suck as a person. Overall.

I don’t matter.

Everything around me is false hope.

I don’t matter.

[froggymom88]

Stop! take a breath. You are a one of a kind creation, special and can never be repeated. You know what a good and wonderful person you are. I know its hard when we are brushed to the side and someone else gets all the glory and affirmation but you are wonderful regardless if others recognize it or not. Sit down and write down all your talents and achievements. Look at them often and say nice positive things to yourself every day. You are in my prayers.