I dont even know where to start

[Dagon]

Hello, this is my first post like this. Im 34 years old, things arnt getting easier. This isn't the full disclosure, there more details not mentioned, this is just a rough sum. My life was never good to start with. My doner of a dad wanted my mother to abort me. Then left her when she didnt. Step dad, 2 sibling, and parental drug abuse later my mother is dead from a irresponsible driving incident, at my age of 12. Step dad relapses back into drugs and I get separated from my siblings. The 3 of us bounce around from relative to relative, never truly belonging and suffering, I never felt as if I was part of the family always felt as if I were just an unwanted obligation to help family. Bouncing around relitives, some were physicaly abusive, while others were more emotionaly manipulative. I just focus on education and graduated highschool early so I can get OUT and be on my way. I joined the USMC. Not truly knowing what I was getting into. I lost alot in the military. Friends, brothers, my first marriage, and sometimes I feel like I lost a little of my soul over there....on the last deployment I didnt even want to come back alive, and tried not to until Some things pushed me over the edge and my anxiety really got the best of me. And they Med Evac me out. Cant sleep well because I relive the nightmares of my actions, depression and anxiety. I turned to alcohol that never helped. After my release from the Corps, I remarried. I have been married for 10 years. Have 2 kids. Employment is a joke, I have tried so many times to get work, but because of Insurance Liabilitys or I'm "Overqualified" and I havent been able to obtain gainful employment. The 4 of us live in a tiny rundown house. No matter what I do I cant seem to make life better for my family and myself. I feel deaths embrace as if he is going to take me any moment and the grueling realization that if death doesn't take me soon, there is 50 years left to go still. I dont feel like I've been the best husband or father over the past 10 years. I want out of this existance so desperately yet bound by morality and responsibility.. its maddening to even compute. I want to change myself for the better but I dont even know where to start, I just know that a change has to be made, less insanity grips me and forces an irrational hand.....

Thank you for your time.

[Tellmeaboutit]

you did know where to start: you start right here. welcom! you may feel like no one understands, but the truth is that there are many many men and women like you, who have verysimilar conditions, and even similar experiences.

you must believe that there is a pathway out. it may not be easy, it may not be a path you like, and there will probably more wrong turns an dead ends. but i promise you that there is a path to a place better than where you are now, and much better than the final surrender so many of us have considered

you must make it your own personal mission to understand your condition, do everything you can to alleviate it, and build a life that you can flourish in.

see a counselor. even if you have seen one or many before, try again. ask your counselor about seeing a psychiatrist to see if medication might help. commit to trying the medication, if your doctor recommends, long enough to learn the effectiveness, even if it doesnt seem to help in the first few weeks.

focus on basic healthy lifestyle choices: diet, exercise, sleep habits, drugs and alcohol. i know (believe me i know) that this can be impossible in times of depression, or anxiety, or other problems, but in whatever times you do feel up to it, work hard at getting yourself on the right path. you will find that gradually you will feel up to it more of the time.

discover, or re-discover your faith or spirituality. seek guidance and support from that community. be open, honest, and humble with your wife. make sureshe knows how you are struggling inside, and that the inevitable distance between you is not her fault. let her know how she can help. tell her how much you appreciat it when she does.

dont blame yourself. it’s nothing you did, or didnt do, or could have done. you were born how you are, and the events you have lived through were due to fate and other imperfect people’s failings, not your own.

but we all play the hand we’ve been delt. we owe it to ourseles to make the most of it.

write back here to ask for help. be as specific as you can. lots of folk on here want to help.

i’ much older than you. i know it probably doesn’t seem like it to you now, but you still have a lifetime ahead of you. as you live you will accumulate both experience and wisdom that will help you to continually improve your own mental health. you can do it, and it will get easier.

and thank you thank you for your service to our country.

Oorah!

[SirGrits]

Hey @Dagon my brother was a Corpsman in the Navy assigned to Marines. Good people. Thanks for your service.

I do think you're being pretty hard on yourself here. I doubt very much that you're as broken as you think you are. I doubt even more that your wife and kids would agree with you on that score.

I usually don't do any outright witnessing on this site. It's really unfair to just tell people that Jesus is the answer and then send them on their way. But I can't help thinking from your post that the hope you're seeking can be found at the cross. I encourage you to check out a church or dig a little deeper in the one you're going to. Check out the Bible for a place to start, it's chock full of the little building blocks with which to build up a life that helps others.

Sorry about the sermon, I was getting carried away. Do check that stuff out, but in the meantime cut yourself some slack. Military service, 10 years marriage, 2kids after an upbringing like yours sounds like a success story to me. For what it's worth; you have my permission to own it.

[Hidden]

I'm so sorry you went through all this. That is heartbreaking. Especially about your mom, and step dad, and then all of which followed. I don't even know what to say except that I'm so sorry you have experienced all this. I hope you can find some type of solace in this community, these are very supportive people. At least the ones I've come across. You took a step and put your story out there, that has to be a good start.