I think I’ve reached this weird plateau of nihilism and passive suicidal ideation in the absence of really profound depressive feelings. And I think it’s because I don’t know what I’m doing with my life??
I think humans as a whole need one of two things to sustain life: happiness or sense of meaning. Hopefully they go hand in hand when things are going well. And I’ve started to understand that I don’t have either of those things. I guess even though i has really terrible depressive periods in the past, i was able to enjoy things when I felt less bad. There were things that sparked passion in me. Something like a drive? And being excited about these things brought a sense of fulfillment. But now, this loss of interest and passion won’t go away. And I think that was the driving force for me to keep fighting.
On the other side of the coin, I don’t think there’s any meaning in my life. No purpose. I’ve always struggled with that. For most of my life, my purpose in life was to serve others. Because if I can’t be happy on my own, making other people happy might rub some of that off to me. And honestly, I feel like there’s really no reason for me to be here. My existence is just a blip in the continuum of time. Nothing I do has any real impact. And it sounds so dramatic and stupid.
So if I can’t be happy and I don’t have a purpose, what am I still doing here? Other than the fear of what comes after death? It’s ridiculous that I’m almost in my thirties and I still don’t know what im doing on this planet. I thought I knew a long time ago, but I guess I don’t anymore. I don’t know if I lost it somewhere along the way or maybe I never knew from the start.
How Can I find my Purpose in life?
Tired of fighting
how I’m feeling 
I’ve spent ten years trying to change for better and find my purpose in life. 
New to this group and just looking for people like me for support. 
