Something’s not right here

[gilded_masquerade]

I’d like to add a possible TRIGGER WARNING just in case someone is likely to be triggered upon hearing of sexual assault as a child. Not planning on going into detail but just to be safe!

I wanted to discuss this with someone but it’s too much info for loved ones in some aspects.

I’ve had a lot of bad run ins with men; my earliest experience being when I was 8 years old and a 5th grader at my babysitters threatened my disabled brothers life unless I did what he asked. I will say now that there was NOT any intercourse but granted; I think I’ve blacked most of it out by now.

After that, it was pretty much the same with some short lasting relationships with boyfriends and of course; the abusive narcissistic ex I dumped almost 3 years ago now.

I want to be a writer, and in practicing my written skills, I write I guess what they call “Erotic” stories, but only because that was one area I did struggle with writing with.

I tend to write the same ideas over and over, the things I find scary, ideas, etc.

Same applies to my practice writing.

In these practice (erotic) stories {which I swear are hardly containing smut as I get embarrassed going into detail with anything sexual} I find that the main character (always female) is always being saved from something, always described as “intriguing” and somehow changes the significant others perspective or way of life.

After writing, I always find myself wanting to be in some of these fictitious persons shoes. I know it’s all just something that’s not real and so on but with some of the things I’ve written about and considering my “history”, does this make me insane?

Does this mean that I’m more screwed up than I thought? I don’t write about childhood trauma but I struggle with thinking about conflict so it often contains kidnapping, abusive/neglectful exes, ex cons, and so on.

I don’t understand why part of me would want or desire that after everything I’ve experienced. It honestly concerns me sometimes...

[1day_at_atime]

Hi,

I could be wrong but it sounds like you could be trying to reframe or rewrite your own story?

Maybe process, accept and find ways to relate to interactions with others?

Isn’t that normal... Most ppl want closure and meaning on some level.

Sexuality does come with some element of danger. But to practice it in a healthy way the advice is usually to ensure that trust, respect and consent are an underlying aspect.

Your experience includes an incident where that wasn’t the case, someone tried to exploit you. So writing could be you exploring how you view sexuality and expressing yourself in your writing.

In doing so, you could be assimilated your traumatic experience and less ideal experiences, finding meaning and learning a way to look at sexuality and attraction in a open, informed and mature way?

How you do so maybe not be mainstream. So perhaps your guideline is whether it’s healthy and safe for you?

[gilded_masquerade in reply to 1day_at_atime]

That’s a very good point, I hadn’t thought of it that way and makes a lot of sense to me; writing characters to endure similar situations (sometimes) but prevent anything from happening, whereas I could not.

I’m sure there could be other underlying aspects to it as well but thank you for bringing this one to my attention! 🙂

[robbylynnofnm]

I understand completely what you are talking about. I have a BS in creative writing and can tell you I was afraid to share my writing because of this very reason. I felt my "fantasies" were shameful or repetitive and my dreams as well. I have found that my fantasies and dreams are in direct relation to my experience with sexual abuse. I think in many different ways it is in attempt to recreate the experience with me being in control and not the abuser. I mean sometimes I put myself in their place. Which is really disturbing but common actually. I have learned there is no shame to this and it doesn't mean I am disturbed or a threat to others because of this. They are my own private fantasies and dreams. I am not hurting anyone actually and I have come to understand that this is actually common with other victims of sexual abuse. Being vulnerable in my writing and a "victim" scenario in my writing is cathartic for me because being rescued "feels" good. I am actually "rescuing" myself. Over and over. I hope this helps. There is no shame in sexual fantasies and a replaying of a violent experience with being empowered and in the perpetrator's point of view. I believe it is our attempt to understand and cope with a painful "vulnerable" situation. We are supposed to write what we know so what would be more applicable?

[gilded_masquerade in reply to robbylynnofnm]

Very well put. It puts my mind at ease knowing that I’m not alone in this regard and that it’s more common than I had originally believed. Thank you for taking the time to comment and talk about something that you may have had difficulty talking about prior to this, I sincerely appreciate it ❤️