Ways to work on letting small annoyances go with my S.O. to avoid petty, stressful fights?

[nycgal27]

I can't help bringing up small things to my partner that I'm annoyed about. At the time I want to express my feelings to him, but later on I realize after it's too late that it was petty and unnecessary. This causes a lot of horrible drawn out fights which make me extremely anxious. How do I break this vicious cycle?

[Loki1018]

I don’t know 🤷🏻‍♀️ how to advise on breaking this vicious cycle but I definitely understand where your coming from because it’s the same for me and my partner. A lot of for me is my own mind doing too much thinking 🤔 but when I don’t express myself and keep it in, more and more just bottles up till I explode and the fights are even worse. At times I think they are petty and others I feel as though it’s not and I deserve for what ever is bothering me be just as valid whether or not it’s petty to him but it’s not to me.

[nycgal27 in reply to Loki1018]

I do the same; always overthink things that are so small. I feel terrible about what happened and I hope he can see that. I feel so anxious about everything.

[Blackdog1]

Hi,

I hope this isn't too long a reply. I like to give specific details of what has helped me.

I've had (and still have to a lesser extent) irritated feelings about a dear friend who I spend alot of time with these days.

I think part of the problem stems from worry about keeping them safe and just the seriousness of the situation; part of it is due to natural quarrels from being together so much ; and part of it is due to my being depressed and more touchy than usual.

What has helped me?

When I feel like exploding, I walk away and stay in bathroom, bedroom for a bit until calm down.

If this doesn't suffice, I go for a walk. Physical activity really helps me pull tension out of the body.

I'd also suggest:

Consider taking meds or supplements (if you don't already)

I started taking sam-e . It seems to be mellowing me some. (I'm not on prescription antidepressants due to side effects issues)

[nycgal27 in reply to Blackdog1]

Thank you for your reply! I have been taking meds and they have helped, but I need to continue working with myself to control my reactions to things before deciding to involve someone else. I can’t blame him for wanting time to cool off because I overstepped but at the same time it makes me extremely anxious when he does and his hostility towards me.

[scarlet283]

i can relate. i’ve the same issue. you need to know that none of your feelings are invalid or unnecessary or petty. but we need to learn to let go things that aren’t worth spoiling a relationship. it’s too hard, i’m still trying but it depends on how you think. each time something bothers you, ask yourself if you can bear it and let it go because stuff happens, or if it’s hurting you too much, don’t think its petty and maybe confront your partner then.

[nycgal27 in reply to scarlet283]

That’s what I’ve been trying to do. I think that the fact that he can be immature at times and just ignores me if he’s upset doesn’t help, but journaling has helped me work through my own emotions so far. Hopefully this whole thing will blow over because more than anything, it makes me anxious when I’m ignored and that is due to the separation anxiety I’ve always had.

[Ollyvie]

Hello nycgal27, I can perfectly understand what you are doing through. I have been in your shoes before. There are two ways that I see this. In some situations, some people make our concerns seem trivial. The fact that it bothers you or you have concerns about means that it should be taken care of. The fact that they think its nothing to worry about means that you should sweep it under the carpet. Don’t react first, think through and talk about it in constructively. Think through what you can’t to say for days and don’t be emotional about it. Secondly You can learn to master how to fight your motions as well and how to responds to people’s attitudes towards you. Check this out it helped me with building emotional resilience. bit.ly/3bH906b. I know it’s easier said than done but God can strengths you through this. I believe you can do this. Sending hugs and love your way