I’m using my energy on my kids. They are my life. But I have not much left to give today. I want to end it. I’m weak right now. I know I can’t leave my kids ...how much horrible suffering it would be for them . So I won’t leave them. They have my heart. But in my mind I can’t stop thinking of ending it. I can’t think of any other way out. My motivation is low. I’m doing the best I can. I wish I would accept and love myself the way I do others. Going to sit in the sun. I am saying a prayer for those going through similarand for all my friends who stick by me.Let’s hang in there one more day. ❤️
I am in so.much. pain. I can’t keep p... - Anxiety and Depre...
I am in so.much. pain. I can’t keep posting because it gets old for people including myself
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Starrlight
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104 Replies
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You're not alone! This post mirrors exactly where I am. But instead of Isolating let's unite
I’m spending time with my kids made a phone call to a friend and I hope I’m good enough not to annoying or irritable and that’s how I feel.
How do you feel? I can listen DJB74
I feel like Im not god enough. No matter how I try Ill never be the person I want to be. Im just not normal. Cant be happy no matter what
Where I wonder does that not being enough stem from. My therapist is always reminding me I’m good enough just how I am... maybe you can say that to yourself. What is normal? We are all weird in our own way and that’s not even a bad thing.
Do you get glimpses of happiness at all? Something you can look forward to maybe? Something that touches your heart?
My kids and my kids
Yeah I hear ya. Same. Let’s keep focusing on them. They are beautiful angels. We are blessed.
Me too... I can be having the rare, ( and getting rarer - is that a word even??? ), "good day", and thoughts of self-harm and death are STILL there - like some kind of nasty "malware" programme - that's always and forever running in the background. I've always been like that - as long as I can remember. If I were a computer, "DEPRESSED" would be my OS. :-<
❤️ (((((((hug))))))) ❤️ let’s work n inserting our positive thoughts in there. Let’s stay strong.
Is your Pain acute, chronic or caused by your Mental Health concerns ?
Have you discussed how you feel with your Family Doctor ?
BOB
Starrlight• in reply to
My doc does nothing new but I don’t want to go on another med anyway. I’m just emotionally in pain. It’s hell.i hate myself. When I’m in this much pain I can’t see clearly but I’m trying. I’ll switch back to loving life; that’s my bipolar
• in reply toStarrlight
Starlight
What is your problem can I help ? Is the problem related to Lock down and being restricted with your children, Are they climbing the Walls ?
Many people are going spare with what is going on. In my case the problem is we are having to get deliveries for everything and that just seems to restrict what our needs and expectations are. I suppose when all this is over things will be changing and we will be restricted and prevented going out to town. We will be doing everything on the NET.
BOB
Starrlight• in reply to
I am feeling like shit about myself and I feel emotional pain to the point my I am getting agitated. I feel guilt too because I have amazing family so I feel I should be happy so wondering what is wrong with me. Depression bipolar anxiety PTSD ocd I’m tired.
• in reply toStarrlight
Starlight
Are you stuck in the house, sometimes we may love everyone around us, although sometimes you can have to much of a good thing.
I am having problems in the garden, I keep falling down or I become dizzy so Hazel is working like a little Beaver and all I can do is do all the Dead Heads.
Everyone needs fresh air, in the UK they have opened up to two people of the same residence/ family to go out for walks together, last week it was one person outside once and the other person needed to take the dog out on their own. So it was nice today going out together once more. Our Pax was over the moon.
Is it your Depression etc is being affected, You really need to divert your thoughts and look for positive outlets, ME TIME DOES HELP.
BOB
Starrlight• in reply to
Thank you. And sorry to hear of your struggles in the garden. Take it easy. I just got out to jump on the trampoline with my kids. Now trying to have me time. Careful out there... take breaks dit and drink lots of water.
• in reply toStarrlight
Thank you Starlight I will take advice
Fifty years ago when I qualified I had to stand in for another Leader, She did the Trampoline so for me it was an experience. Now I suppose my days of jumping on a Trampoline are over.
It is nice especially with your kids you are all doing things together.
All the Blue Bells are out in the garden at this time and it is really nice to just sit outside and watch them. The garden is really coming to life and Hazel Peoney Borders are also beginning to flower, we are still getting blossom in the Orchard the bees and insets seem to be doing their job at this time. This is lifting our mood and we see positive changes in the garden, that fights all the negativity of this virus
You and Family, KEEP WELL
BOB
Starrlight• in reply to
Sounds awesome, sitting enjoying the nature. May you and your loved ones keep well too. You are so nice thanks for being here.
Starlight I hear you and understand your thoughts and feelings. I’m hear to listen - this community got me through last night. I feel similar; I’m being told it’s my depression talking. I have done everything (lots of meds, ECT, multiple hospitalizations, lots of therapy) and I’m sill suffering...please take care and keep reaching out to this group
I’m sorry you are in a bad place too. I’m right now waiting I’m at an emergency services and will go to a crisis care place. I feel so sick to my stomach and my heart is jumping from stress/anxiety. Things could be worse though. The worst is having to leave my kids
How are you today?
I’m so sorry. I will be thinking of you. Please keep me posted I’m happy to listen and support as needed.
Hope u r well.
Hi Starr. I'm sorry you are where you're at right now. Remember, like you say, you have your children. For me there is no one. Please stay strong. Many hugs!
I’m so sorry. I’m not strong at all.
I understand. My last 2.5 weeks has been utter hell for me. I can barely get off the couch. Numerous breakdowns. Dont know what day it is and don't care. Called my doctor on Monday and another rx was added. I'm hoping it will give me some relief. I hope I didn't bring you down further bc that was not my intention. I too need to get this out.
((((((((Hug))))))))) hope your new med gives you hope and relief.
Oh no - I feel so, so sad for you 💛 and for Starrlight 💛
Please know that there are many people keen and willing to reach out to you.
We may not be of much practical use (especially the way things are currently), but we have broad shoulders and we can listen.
Sometimes, all you need to know is that someone's there; you're not alone and you're being heard.
Drivensnow, thank you for your kind words!!
❣️
Starrlight , you may not feel strong at this very moment, but just ask your children and they will tell you how very strong you have been and how much strength you have given them 💜
Beautiful. Thank you. I will be strong for them the best I can.
And - at the end of the day - we can only do our best! You're doing great 🥇
True. And it's ok if we dont on a given day. For me anyway... 😊
Yes. It's all about being kind. To ourselves, too.
It’s hard for me right now to feel worth in the place I’m in but trying.
Some days are like that... Even a cluster of days. That's precisely the time you need to be relentlessly kind to yourself! Now more than ever. Rid yourself of whatever or whoever it is that's making you doubt your own worth. Tune them out, cut them out - whatever works for you and whatever is within your control. Enlist help if you need it. When your wellbeing is as precariously poised as this, radical measures are called for.
I have gotten rid of people who are not good for me. However I find it very difficult to be kind to myself. I suppose it is bc I am so beaten down that it is hard.
❤️ I hear you ❤️ you are beautiful
❤❤❤
It is the mission of this forum and the wonderful people who inhabit it to raise you up when your spirit takes a dive. Please know that we are willing you to grasp our hand/s and dig yourself out of the slump in which you find yourself. It is hard, but not impossible. You have gotten rid of dead wood and that is a constructive start. Let's see where we can go from here...
I’ll be going to a crisis care place tomorrow morning, having a med change and hoping.
That is a positive stride. I'll be hoping with you.
Thank you DrivenSnow! It means a lot to me.
I don't know a great deal about your personal circumstances, but what I do know is that I'm rooting for you. Please let us know how you fare. ❣️
I will take all the rooting I can get! I’m nervous 😬 because I don’t want to fail. But as long as I try my best being true to myself I guess there’s no way it can be a complete fail. I want to come out stronger, happier , peaceful, and more balanced. I will be going on Zoloft today. I’ll probably stay at the crisis care for about 5 days. Take care my friend ❤️
If you truly want all those things for yourself (and I think you really, really do), they will come to you. Those nerves will go, too, and will be replaced by serenity. Thoughts with you. ❣️
Have time for yourself, massage and other things like that. You matter, so take time for yourself and do things that you like to do, listening to the music you like, colouring in adult colouring book the colours and combinations you like and other exercises that you can do and enjoy - exercise as much as you want - do what makes you happy! Eating the things you like, etc
Starrlight• in reply to
Nice thoughts but the way I feel right now I don’t care to do much of anything. I’m in the sun that is closest to s getaway at the beach that I can get to. I as m just in so much pain. I really don’t want to be alive.
• in reply toStarrlight
Try interacting with your kids, then talk to them and play with them - try to do something that makes you feel good inside and if its with your kids, cooking together or something
Starrlight• in reply to
We did our schooling together and maybe we can cook later and now jump on the trampoline in the back yard thanks Indieabc
Did the trampoline... feeling a bit alive
Hi starr. I’m with indie....be kind to yourself. I get it. I have days like that too. Today when I realized I wasn’t feeling so great mentally, I just decided to accept it. It is what it is and it’s just going to be one of those days so I gotta roll with it. I know I h ave days that are better and that’s what carries me through. Idk if that helps you or not.
That is so helpful Reallife thank you I’ll be trying that! You are an earth angel.
You just hit the anxiety nail on the head. Just accept it and roll with the punches. If you try to punch back, it just gets stronger and punches harder. By rolling with those punches, anxiety eventually tires and punches itself out. Acceptance saps the strength of those punches and before long, the final bell sounds and you are crowned the undisputed heavyweight champion of the world!
I can relate I am always in so much pain, my anxiety manifests physically. I get lightheaded, heart palpitations, I don’t even want to get up. I have 2 kids that need me as well and that has so much energy it’s exhausting. As you I feel like I have no reason to feel like this idk what is wrong. I do have an appointment tomorrow to get blood test done and vitals, I feel I need some kind of reassurance. Know your not alone and I’m here to talk if you need to.
Oh I’m sorry... I get headaches and just recently my body hurts all over. Me two, I have two little ones that keep me going keep me loving and believing in good. Best to you at your appointment tomorrow. Let me know how it turns out?
Iam with you my friend we can’t give up we have to keep fighting I understand you as some days iam so tiered of the same thing over and over but our kids need us so that’s what keeps me going you are strong so don’t give up iam here with you❤️❤️
I already feel like I’ve failed my kids. Because of how I feel. It’s almost like I’m waiting for the worse thing I could doto happen. But I know I’m a good mom because I love them with all my heart and do everything i can for them but I just still feel like a failure I guess all I can do is my best I want to feel good enough. You seem stronger than me. I think I’m going to have a breakdown.
I'm there with you. I don't never want to die, but some times it seems the only way to have some peace in my life. I remember telling my therapist one day, I understand why people do it because there comes a time when you get sick and tire of being sick and tire and you just want out. However, I could never do this because I want to live as long as God allows me to, although its a struggle, I believe I will stay in the fight.
That’s good. Keep fighting.
Hi Star.
❤️ You are in my thoughts. I hope you will be feeling better soon.
Thanks Poodie. I feel like I’m not in my right mind and it scared me that I don’t know when it will end. I have thought about going to a crisis care except for the virus since I don’t trust that would be safe.
Hi Star.
I know it is scary but you know from experience that it will end.
Do what you have to to keep yourself safe although I agree with your concerns about the virus. You can call a crises line just to talk I think. I imagine that you call your counselor or doc if you have to also.
You can also talk to yourself and us on here. No one is sick of hearing from you. Keep in touch. I hope you can eventually get on a more even keel. You deserve that. ❤️
I will talk with my therapist tomorrow. I just want my life to be over. I’ll go to bed early tonight to escape, wake up again, and suffer through another day. I’m so angry with God right now. I believe He is the controller so why does He allow so many to suffer so? We are just specs I guess.
I v asked myself these questions. Maybe we r here to learn. To learn that nothing can make us weak without ourconsent. To learn to connect with that part of us that is peaceful no matter what. Hold on there.
I reeeeaally like that way of thinking Feathe!
What makes you feel happy??do you get more positive when you are with your children??I was very inspired by Howard Storm s near death experience on you tube. It helped me see another perspective. And Kelly Brogan s book " a mind of your own " has lots of information on how the right food can reverse depression. Basically non processed, no sugar no dairy. Eat fresh fruit, veg , eggs, fish and a bit of meat. For me it made a difference to my depression from the third day and gave me tons of energy. Don t give up. Maybe there is a way. Maybe we are spiritual beings having a human experience.......
Work on controlling your thoughts, you keep going down the wrong path now and then, remember, if you can produce bad thoughts, you can produce good thoughts also ! its a choice you can make if you become aware that you can ! xxxx
I’ve been trying. So hard. It’s not easy for me. At all. But I’ll keep trying. Intrusive thoughts, depression etc... not everyone can think in the same way.
Allow what is, all troubles are resistance to what is !
((((((Hug)))))
Hey Starrlight ❤️
I promise you that if you start learning to accept how you are thinking and feeling you will get better. Confidence and resilience will return. Peace of mind and body will also return and you can once again enjoy the sunshine.
By accepting, you’re not giving the symptoms you constantly struggle with, as much focus. You’re not constantly monitoring yourself or trying to fix anything and so your attention focuses on other things, such as your family.
Also when you stop struggling with anxiety and leave it be, you feel better as it is the struggle that causes the majority of your suffering as in reality you are just struggling with yourself.
It’s a condition of our own making. The more we struggle and fight against it, the more energy and power we give it. Your heart might feel like its racing. You might be having very upsetting or frightening thoughts, feelings of inadequacy. You cannot stop it mentally. You literally can’t do anything about it. You have to feel it all. It’s not something you need to enjoy or like feeling or to even love yourself! It’s not pleasant but it’s just feeling it and not doing anything to try and change it. You are still, by the sounds of things, trying to change the way you feel and think and questioning it all. Recovery will happen, slowly but surely when you understand that there is absolutely nothing you can do to change how you are currently feeling. I know exactly how you feel. It’s just anxiety making you think and feel the way you do. I’ve been there and also have first hand experience of the power of acceptance over anxiety.
It’s nota method or some form of distraction. It’s just having a different attitude towards the symptoms. Instead of begging it to all go away Instantly, it’s about letting it stay for as long as it likes and getting on with your life.
You need to see the cycle you are in to be able to cease the fear cycle you are stuck in. Once you see this, the vicious cycle can be broken and given time, your symptoms will gradually weaken and lose their ability to strike fear into you because you are no longer constantly recreating them. You step out of that cycle by no longer trying to step out of that cycle.
I hope this starts to make sense Starrlight and happy to help further.
Beevee♥️
I hope and will try to understand how to let it be. Thank you. I can’t say I get it but maybe some day.i hope I make it
Just practice it my lovely 🥰 Just keep practicing. Roll with those punches. That is all you can do.
Please visit a website called anxietynomore.co.uk and read some of the comments underneath the latest blog by Paul David. The more you understand, the easier it will be to accept. It takes time for it to click into place and “get it” but it will happen. I was the same. I didn’t get it but eventually I did and all the symptoms faded away.
Ok thank you I appreciate you.
Really good post ❤️
My memory isn’t all that, but your name stands out as someone who is always making positive posts. It does feel that depression can make me a burden. But, I think that is distorted thinking. Trust in it when others say you brighten their day. That’s part of the disorder, for me, when I think I am a burden or a screw up. Because really I am competent and helpful.
Thank you Saracar. Helpful insights
Why are you in so much pain? What has happened to you? Pray for help to come to you. It works
Part genetic part experience. Praying
Ppl here wud post an essay of problems saying they feel the same but in the end u gotta figgt it urself cuz there is no option then to face it n fight it
Yeah lately I’ve been reminded I am on my own and to take cate of it myself. It’s hard not to reach out but I will try to handle it on my own.
This strikes deep in my heart. The pain and suffering of depression is so unbearable that even breathing seems difficult at times. The thought of death is always on my mind because I see no future and no hope. I pray constantly for this burden to be eased up and never feel relief. I will pray for you, because you are valuable to your children and to yourself. Every day take one step at a time and one worry at a time. Always challenge the negative thoughts and replace them with positive ones. The journey is slow and difficult but you are never alone in your suffering.
I relate to you. It’s unbearable with little hope sometimes. I f do recall good days though so hanging in for those.
Thinking of dying but then feel more depressed that I’m where I am and that I could possibly think of that with my beautiful amazing loving kids who need me. I ed been having trouble with intrusive thoughts and with thinking positive. Trying. Blessings to you, beautiful!
I especially like how you said to challenge the negative thoughts but I don’t know about the journey being slow , slow in getting better? I just can’t see things getting better right now. Thanks I’ll pray for you too.
Yes the journey to getting better is slow, but what matters is the small steps to recovery but because it’s slow it seems like things never get better but they will. Right now I have been dealing with a major depressive episode since January with no relief and I know the the struggle and I know I will feel better. I hope this helps you.
((((((((IgorM28)))))))) you are strong
You are very strong, and a very good mama! Keep doing your thing, I promise you will get through it! 1 Corinthians 10:13 says "No temptation has overtaken you except what is common to mankind. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can endure it." Sending a prayer to you and your family! God bless you!
Starrlight• in reply to
Thanks I needed this. Hope you are well!
• in reply toStarrlight
Anytime! I am doing good.
Hello there, I am praying for you now. Hang in there God wont leave you or forsake you. Have you ever tried ketamine infusions? Try googling it and find one in your area. Take care & God Bless, Sara
Thank you Sara for prayers. I just said one for you. I feel like I’m loosing everything good. I’m depressed to the point I don’t want to be here. I think I’ve heard of ketamine infusions but I’ll lok it up.
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