Anyone got any advice for me? I’m trying to keep calm in this worldwide mess we are in and stuck with someone so annoying is so hard. Everything is so important to him: the way the door is opened, the way the counter is cleaned, the way the dishwasher is loaded... I just don’t care about those things. He’s causing me more anxiety than I can handle.
Stuck in quarantine with a husband I ... - Anxiety and Depre...
Stuck in quarantine with a husband I don’t like
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Iammesues
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Rough year so far. Any advice?
Yes. If he doesn't like the way you do things tell him to do them himself or shut up!
Usually I stop talking clam up and just go to my bedroom and hide. I always want peace. Conflict gives me headaches. I even hide in the closet. So nice and quiet there.
I'm sorry, but your last 2 sentences had me cracking up! Lol I have to agree with Hypercat 54 on this one!
How often do you have actual conversations where it gets very heated? Is he violent? The reason i ask is because some of the best ways to resolve disputes require deep conversations in which it can get heated(but you have to know if this person will get violent or not). It happened with me and my father awhile back and it was probably the best thing i've ever done as i used to do exactly the same as you(i would retreat because i don't like conflict or any kind of arguing). Again, you know better if this is possible(with my father, i knew that he had explosive temper but i also knew he never got violent with me so i was safe from that)..So even though conversations were very heated it actually made my relationship with him much stronger because i told him exactly what i was willing to put up with and basically put my foot down). You have to get out of your comfort zone, otherwise things will stay the same.
Agree!
lammesues_ sounds familiar... except I am the husband. For me, its tough because my social isolation and low self esteem make all the smallest details important. The way the door slams, or how to hand the laundry on the dry rack. Its absurd, and I am totally over the top about it, I admit. Perfectionism is actually just an effort to control an uncontrollable world. Talk to your husband, be open about space. I have found that our kitchen is just to small for the two of us during quarantine at times, so ,we take turns to avoid running up a wall together. But hiding in the closet will not resolve anything, it only isolates you and puts off a bad vibe. Clammin up is the worst thing to do, express yourself, be open with your spouse and let your story free. Once you tell your side of the story, youve been set free, and it doesnt have to be a confrontation. use props, or cards, or a talking stick, just anything that can cut the tension, mediate and provide some humor. The damn dishes and the laundry are the petty stuff. Dont sweat the petty stuff and see if you can pave the way to new communication style. move, breath, play
But you, like my husband, are the one consumed by the small stuff. I think all that is totally unimportant and definitely not a reason to scold someone. Not what I need from the person who is supposed to understand me and my anxiety
Don't forget that reacting the same way to a problem will get the same results every time. The only way things can change is to change the way you react. If you don't this will carry on endlessly and there will never be a solution.
Change the things you can, allow the things you cant. Ray.
If it turns to abuse, get out. If this 'picking on' undermines your self worth and he will not modify his behaviour he is showing lack of respect and you may need to leave. Been there, done that. It is early in the isolation. He may be testing the waters to see how much he can get away with, then accelerate. Lay down boundaries early, then enforce then.
Basically I ignore his comments which fuels his fire
It sounds like a control issue. His way is the right way??
This can't be new behavior? Is it just because you are not used to spending so much time together that you notice it more?
Right. Not new behavior, but way worse in quarantine. From the moment I wake everything I do is wrong. Don’t give the dog two pieces of ham, give one. Don’t leave the door like that... don’t do the trash like that.... so I quietly make my coffee and take it to bed to drink. No, he does not follow me. He knows I’ve left his presence purposefully. I make my views known. Who wants to live with this petty nonsense in a world of chaos?
I agree, way too much going on to have to deal with that. But, it sounds like his problem, his issue. You just have to figure out the best way to deal with it.
I commend you for being quiet. I would go the opposite route myself and tell him to back off.
in reply to Dolphin14
Like minds...I wouldn’t run and hide... he’d be shown the closet door. 😁😁
Dolphin14 in reply to
Closet... lol... I would show him the front door hahaha
in reply to Dolphin14
Front door or back door.. sleep your behind on the lounge chair in the back yard. You can come back in after you behave like a sensible and reasonable person. 😁😁
Tough times we need to ban together. My heart goes out to marriages that weren’t healthy before and may wind up worse after this threat is over.
It’s so peaceful sitting on the floor in the closet. No one telling me all the stupid meaningless things to do differently. He’s the same with our daughter. She stays in her room away from him too. Sometimes her and I go to a peaceful spot together
That's sad. Im sorry. No one should have to live that way. It's not a good environment for you and your daughter.
He has a problem he needs to seek attention for.
in reply to Iammesues
This is truly awful. This sounds very toxic and your daughter being scared too, this is no way to live, sounds truly like prison. I just hope that your husband doesn’t display violent tendencies since you say he has anger issues.
Do all that you need to in order be safe, hoping he’ll get the help he needs.
Iammesues in reply to
No physical violence
Iammesues in reply to
How do you tell an angry person they need help and actually get thru to them?
in reply to Iammesues
This is truly something that is and will be very challenging. I would seek professional counseling for your self first. Maybe in time you two can do couples counseling. Survival of your marriage will take work and outside guidance from all that I gather from the exchanges in this thread.
Except he has just proven to himself he can control you. You ordinarily would not be sitting in your closet. He will next up the game to get even a bigger reaction. I've been through all this for 23 years before I left 3 years ago. It just gets worse. Draw the line early on with boundaries. If he will not respect you then get out. I'm willing to bet he won't, and you will be leaving. They are all the same....(narcissists)
Yes I am hearing what you are saying
Sounds like a control freak. You really can't change somebody like that.
Sorry, I don't have any advice expert to start making him go to the closet.
Yes I completely agree 😀. I think when (if) this is all over there will be a lot of extra children born and an equal number of divorces!
They are predicting this. Situations like this can make or break a relationship for sure X
I think it’s too much for our relationship to bare. I should prepare for change as soon as quarantine ends.
Good for you. We are here to support you. You are not alone.
What do you think is step 1?
I think realizing you no longer want to live this way is step one.
Have you considered some therapy for support?
I think you and your husband need to have a discussion regarding this. Lay the cards on the table. Then take it from there. See what conclusions you come to together. Maybe opting for counseling together and separately can have some benefits.
I'm not a therapist so I'm just saying what I would do. I have experienced emotional abuse as a child. I can tell you it stays with you for a long time. So the health of you and your daughter is a priority in my mind. The emotional scars can be just as painful as physical ones. I believe intervention is key.
It sounds like your husband is going crazy from being in quarantine and needs something to do. Men feel good from achievement and when he can’t find that in work, he will find it in other ways. Men also like feeling needed and hate being corrected. My advice is try to understand that’s his way of coping.
You mean continue to bite my tongue and walk away? I can. Just takes more anxiety meds
I’m pretty sure you’re overreacting... whenever this happens, be honest and talk to him before posting it here. Communication is so important and not talking is one reason for divorce. You have a daughter so try to make it work. Ask him to change his behaviour and be patient because it takes time.
I’m not convinced I can continue being constantly corrected. Our daughter is fed up with his corrections too
No, you don't have to live like this.
Tonite he apologized for his behavior today. I only replied for him to sleep in the guest room. I said nothing else
I think that's good. You need to show him this behavior will not be tolerated.
This is not some guy that's struggling with being quarantined. This is baseline abusive behavior.
Are you and your daughter safe? Should you go somewhere else?
There’s never been any physical harm. Are we safe from emotional harm? No
Ok, I just wanted to make sure you weren't being physically harmed.
Emotional abuse is very damaging. Mayb it's time to rethink what's important for you and your daughter.
Have you had any therapy?
I can tell you there is long term damage from this. Both you and your daughter will suffer from this.
I'm glad he apologized. I just hope it's sincere
And I am the bread winner here
Then . . have you considered your options ? What actions you can take ? Have you called any Domestic Abuse helplines for 1) a listening ear 2) to enquire about support from a third party?
Have you suggested that you all speak with your doctor as a family?
If he gets angry and won't listen when you attempt to talk have you written him a note?
Have you suggested counselling together (is any available presently - should be via Domestic Abuse Charities ?)
Can you make a decision to ignore him? Then make a conscious effort to ? Let everything he says go over your head? Don't take it in, don't react? He might get fed up listening to himself then.
in reply to SparklePanda
His way of coping? She said this has been his behavior BEFORE quarantine. It’s a personality issue here. Control freak. Toxic. My advice? GET OUT as soon as possible. This is an abusive situation. If not for yourself, for your daughter. This is not a safe place to be.
SparklePanda in reply to
Abusive behaviour? 😂 If anyone else was saying this, maybe I would understand but you’re on an app that supports people and support you. Do you ever think this person may have OCD or is a perfectionist or has a mental illness?
I’m so sorry. I’m in a similar boat. When he’s home it feels like there is a constant barrage of critique and criticism. Once this virus started our kids moved home. When we continued to joke and I had to continue working, he decided to move out temporarily. Since he’s been gone it’s been calm. When he’s around there’s an edge, if we leave it’s 20 questions. When he’s said he wants to come back it cause anxiety through the roof. Not sure how this will play out in the end.
Your kids prefer him out too?
Oh yes. He is very controlling and negative. This virus had made it worse. We can’t do much that is right.
It sounds like he is very afraid right now and trying to control his situation . Does he have low self esteem ? I would guess he could use a friend right now . Maybe it's time to segue way into that kind of relationship ? This might be a great opportunity for you . Good luck !
Major low self esteem. How’s you k ow?
I mean how’d you guess?
It wasn't really a guess . People behave in certain ways and the behavior follows a pattern of reasoning . You can react in ways that will be less threating to him.
Ok. Tell me how to react
My husband retired at 55 now 71, I don’t like him either, bosses me around all these years, now he’s really a jerk about the virus think it redicious . for the stay at home. Process. Tries to ague with me all day about it. I’m been dealing with this all these years, you can’t stop them, I’ve tried, they have to want to stop themselves. I wanted to leave him, but I don’t want to split the money. I have no place to go.❤️
Iammesues in reply to
How do you deal with his all day commentary?
in reply to Iammesues
For many years I left the house, now I can’t go anywhere because of the stay at home. He became this when he retired, but who knows he might of be this way if he worked at home all our married life, we’ve been married for almost 49 years. But he used to be a very good husband. When I got PTSD from abuse from my birth family, it was during his retirement, he was never there for me, in fact he has been really mean to me. Now I just have to say, or put my hand up several time to stop, go away, that all I can do now till lock time is over. Praying it’s over soon,You can talk to me anytime, maybe it will help us both❤️
Iammesues in reply to
You just walk away like I do? Where do you go for quiet?
in reply to Iammesues
During this time during lockdown, and when I was diagnosed with PTSD. I went to m bedroom, my bedroom not ours locked the door, but he used to use a Bobby pin to get in. There’s no way to get away from him, only if I take a walk, but it’s been raining where I live everyday so far. But how long can I walk!❤️If it wasn’t for the lock down I leave all day long , until he went to sleep!
3rdLab in reply to
Same here - about the money. I just keep saying it’s not that bad, but since he’s been away it’s been very calm.
Looking at all the comments. I am 80 my husband is 82, I moved out 10 years ago due to a controlling, abusive (both emotional and physical) that way from the time I met him and married him at 22. I already had 3 children then we had 1 together. I guess I have always been an emotional weak person. I cry very easy, I wear my ❤️ on my sleeve as it were. 1 & 1/2 years ago I came back because of his begging and left 14 months later in June last year I went to live with my son that didn't work out so here I am back in my home again for 3 weeks now after my husband once again begged me to come back, promiseing me everything good. Not only has he mistreated me and my children but his employees and people he had other dealings with. Well not only do I suffer from anxiety and depression that is bad enough, I am confined in our small 2 bedroom house together, and I have messed up the rotater cuff in my shoulder and have been in bed for three days sleeping because I don't feel well. Then tonight I checked the symptoms for the Corona virus and if one can have minor symptoms or let me say less severe it is possible that I could have it. Hard to breath, heavy feeling or pressure in chest, head is hurting, sleeping for almost three days. I don't think I have any temperature. Can't get up and move around except I need to take care of my two indoor cats. So let me get back to the case at hand. I know what you are going through. Except this time I said that things are going to be done my way and so far that's the way it is. He is staying in his bedroom. Or (Closet).
Ignore him,... do things the way you want to, and pretend he's invisible.....
This is what I do not... with all the critique coming my way
I’m not saying you are wrong or that your husband is right ( or vice versa) but from experience, I took offence to lots of trivial things my wife said to me. It wasn’t that she was controlling or being manipulative or just being mean, it was just my anxious state blowing everything out of proportion. In a sensitised state ( anxiety) everything becomes a problem and trivial matters can irritate the sh1t out of you. I’ve been there and come out the other side. I’m still married too!
If he was like this before you became anxious ( i.e. he irritated you then which begs a bigger question) then it may be your anxiety playing tricks and magnifying your response ( anxiety magnifies our reactions to even the most trivial matters) to all these things he’s saying. When you recover from anxiety, it is likely that the stuff he says won’t even cause a ripple in your emotions.
Not for one second do I advocate staying with anyone who is physically or emotionally abusive towards a partner.
in reply to Beevee
AMEN! There are so many resources out there that can help you leave the situation, adjust and heal from this kind of psychological/emotional abuse. Life is too short to subject yourself to this kind of treatment! I strongly suggest you talk to a counselor, online, by phone if you have to. This isn’t right, and even more so since you have a child in the mix. The cycle will continue when she’s an adult because she’s been conditioned to think it’s okay for some one to treat their spouse this way. Please get help!
Iammesues in reply to
Yeah I think all the time about what my daughter sees.
This is sounding very dangerously close to emotional abuse. I would confront him about his pickiness about everything first. Hopefully, at that point, he will apologize and stop the behavior. If he refuses to do this, family or couples counseling might be the next step (perhaps online if Covid 19 is still going on). If that is not effective, I can't tell you what to do, but if I were in that situation, I would file for divorce at that point. Being stuck in a relationship where the other person is upset about everything and I feel resentful just isn't something I would want. Hope this situation improves soon!
Pardon my skipping ahead but social distancing/isolation does not necessarily mean that you have to do it together. Is it possible to take breaks from each other? A weekend at a family members place or someone else within your isolation group? If not try taking small trips/day trips or just walks when you need to with or without children or both. He could do the same thing. Put some distance between you periodically-frequently. It might help.
Dave
I hear you. During the week I am so busy with work that we are mostly separated but I can see it brings him frustration that he can’t criticize my every move all day as I am on the phone busy. I am fully aware he is the one who needs to change his perspective. I’m not losing sight of who has mental health issues here. I have challenges with anxiety but he has other challenges. Difference is mine are being treated.
Still going on for me too, everyday it’s something with him, telling me what I’m doing wrong, nothing right, like he was a house wife all his life, like me ! Today I really miss my two wonderful grandchildren. I really wish I could just hold them, and kiss them forever, they take the pain away.
But let me tell you all he does is grill hamburgers, or steaks. Now it’s the virus we should just go on with our lives like before. Also the rioting that’s going on because of the guy that was killed, but not proven guilty yet, by the policeman . In my state the Mayor said the worst word about our President. Do two wrongs make a right, I tell him. So sick of this for the life I have left, I don’t want to live like this. I want this Virus Gone, I want him to shut up, I want to be with my grandchildren. Take care yourself, love someone else in your family, as they love you.
Iammesues in reply to
Yes we have political differences in my house too. But that just goes along with all the other things that bother him, right? Everything is so complicated these days. Now my husband started to pick fights with our neighbors too. He’s so angry that he’s aggressively picking fights. Of course he thinks he’s innocent
in reply to Iammesues
Oh my husband thinks he’s innocent too, he does, or says nothing wrong. He doesn’t care about anyone but himself. He wants to know why I won’t talk to him, or be with him, how stupid can a person be, tell me!
Iammesues in reply to
We are living the same life
in reply to Iammesues
Yes we are ,today I had to go out all day, just walking, and driving. I actually was looking to see if there was any people walking around happy together.
Iammesues in reply to
Tell me what you saw
in reply to Iammesues
Well I saw a lot that seemed very in love, respected each other, attentive to each other, attracted to each other,and that others were like blank faces, no feelings. He never really cares where I am, unless he’s feels lonely. If he thinks he’s right, he doesn’t feel alone, and that practically always..
Iammesues in reply to
Do you drive around or you stop and sit in the car? I stop and sit and the hours fly by. Feels like minutes then I have to go back
in reply to Iammesues
Stop, cry, and watch!
in reply to Iammesues
I was once very in love with someone else, it was a kind of love that’s once in a lifetime, that most of the time no one would have. But something happened, a big mistake he made when young , and drunk, that I just couldn’t forgive, or forget. But then three years later, I fell in love with my husband, a good husband , good father then he changed 15 years ago after my father died. I been married almost 48 years soon. I never found myself looking back until 15 years ago. Now I find myself thinking what if I could of found forgiveness for him , when he begged me not to marry my husband. What if, what would my life be like with him instead!
Iammesues in reply to
Goodness. Yes we all have the one that got away. And part of life is wondering what could have been. I too day dream myself away from reality. I think it’s needed for you and I to survive. I also day dream of leaving. I’m just putting my daughter ahead of myself for now. What are you putting ahead of yourself?
in reply to Iammesues
My grandchildren. I wish I didn’t have be with this man ,or my daughters. All of them, are abuse to me, they mean, uncaring, unloving. I’ll they want is me to be there for them, and put up with their crap. So to be with my grandchildren this what I have to do. We love it each other more then anything, I raised till they went to full time school. I have to supply their needs because their father is a lazy bum, and my daughter enables him, they owe me thousand of dollars for all the debt he put them in.I don’t care about her, but I love the kids more then anything. We have to do for the people we love, and we know they love us as much.
Iammesues in reply to
You and I are paying quite a price. My circumstances will last a max of 5 more years when my daughter is 18. Seems like a really long time. When we can be out again I will travel for work and give myself space. But I do love my day dreams about being other places with other people. They really pull me thru.
in reply to Iammesues
Your are much younger then me, so I don’t how much time I have left. But I will say this, I’ll enjoy the love I get from my grandchildren. It’s too late for me. You can have a life ahead of you, when she’s 18. Sometimes my daydreams hurt me just as they did at the time with my true love, and then they also make me remember how much we loved each other. But then I won’t have my two wonderful grandchildren I have now.
Iammesues in reply to
I learn from the advice from people like you. I pay close attention to people who share their wisdom with me. Years of heartache ahead are overwhelming to think about.
in reply to Iammesues
I know dear,it hard. I was abused by my birth family, I never, ever thought my own wold do it to me too. Try not to think that way, you have time after she’s 18. I got married at 20, have a daughter43, another 46. Put them before me all their life including leaving my house at 24. They treat me like non human being. Just never let your daughter treat you the way mine do. I have tears for you, I don’t want you to go though anymore of this pain, I know how it feels. I’m always here for you❤️😥
Iammesues in reply to
Your strength is inspiring. I don’t think I’m as strong as you. I don’t tell any of my family or friends what’s going on
in reply to Iammesues
Oh dear, I am not that strong. I hurt, and cry all the time. If I try to tell my family how much they hurt me, they don’t care. But I can feel your pain, most people can’t, they say because I don’t know what it feels like, I don’t care. I have always been able to understand people pain, I quess it came from the abuse I endured since the age of five, when I realized , I wasn’t treat like my siblings.
Iammesues in reply to
My tendency is to disengage. I go silent. I can be around my husband all day and not talk. Not like the silent treatment just really nothing to say to him. He just watches the news and yells at the TV. I’m always upstairs in the guest room door closed to create silence
in reply to Iammesues
Oh my goodness, mine yells at the tv too!
Iammesues in reply to
I struggle to figure out how to take a drive when I’m working all day from home
in reply to Iammesues
I know try to go for a walk ,just a few blocks, look at all the beauty In nature...May take pictures of beautiful trees, flowers!
Iammesues in reply to
Good idea. A beautiful flower would be nice to stare at
Iammesues in reply to
Yesterday I escaped to the food store. It felt good to step away from my desk. My mom came over for dinner... but witnessed him getting angry over stupid things and she looked concerned for me
in reply to Iammesues
Well at least you mom cares about, no one as a adult in family cares what he does to me, or acts.But my grandchildren do they tell him grampe please don’t do that to our yiayia(Greek)But I don’t like them to see, or hear what he’s saying.
Iammesues in reply to
Your grandchildren sound so special and smart. I bet they know your pain. And know they save your soul.
in reply to Iammesues
I never told them, and I sure my other daughter didn’t either, because she goes my birth family too. But they have been with me when I have my nightmares, they hold me, my granddaughter say think of something nice, but especially think of us, who love more then anything,
Just recently my sister passed, I hadn’t seen her since I disconnect from my siblings, after my parents died. I did try to call her several times, but she was mean, and cruel as she always was. So I had to stop for my own heath. I did go to the services, my daughters didn’t come by me at all, they were with my birth family the whole time. I was treated like a non human being there. But my grandson who was 11, but his arm around me the whole time, like a man would, he also held my hand. It was so hard for me to be there as it was, but he knew I needed him.
Iammesues in reply to
Your grandson is brilliant. How’d he get so smart and knowing? Or can he read everything in your eyes?
in reply to Iammesues
My grandson since his was 2 noticed immediately if someone was upset, or happy. He also question everything, wanting to know what that meant, or wanting to read signs on places. Yes he does read your eyes, that is something I think he inherited from me. I always could tell if someone was hurting, or even coming down with something. Right now with the virus, he will not take off his mask, first he’ll say, I don’t know if I carry the virus, and I don’t want to give it to someone else, and I don’t want to get it either. With me, and my husband ,one day his father, and him came over to drop off something, he had his mask on his father didn’t, we were six ft .apart. I told him we are far enough away from each other, and it’s hot. He said no Yiayia I love you two to much, to take a chance. My granddaughter is younger ,but now she is becoming the same way, she can tell by my voice, or the look on my face. She always says are you ok. Think of how much I love you, then the sad things.I can see the same with them. We always try to comfort each other, the three of us. Thank you for your kinds words❤️
Iammesues in reply to
My daughter is 12. She always asks me if I’m ok. I hope you see or speak to your grandchildren often, they seem magical. True gifts for people like us with so much mean around us.
in reply to Iammesues
They are magical, and so is your daughter. Yes we face time three to four times a day. They only live about 20 min away, but it keeps us in touch, and we make each other happy. We tell jokes , plays games,even watch movies together, also we hold our hands up to the screen, blow kisses, and give hugs.❤️
Iammesues in reply to
You there?
Iammesues in reply to
Hi. I hope you are well.
Iammesues in reply to
Does he question why you were out all day?
Im in the same boat. I don't have advice... Im sorry ❤ but you are not alone. Thats for sure.
What do you mean you’re in the same boat?
Still here, mine changes the station on me, if I go to the washroom, or to get a drink. So last night, he walked out of the room, I really didn’t know if he was going to stay in his man cave, or come back. I didn’t like what he was watching but I kept it on, he did come back. I pointed out to him your show is still on but being the jerk he is ,did not say a word, just watched it. Won’t do it again, I’ll just watch what I want❤️
I feel you. My husband can be picky, I get pissed. I took the guest room and made it into my girl cave and spend time in there. When my husband gets picky like that, I just stop doing whatever bothers him. If he brings it up, I tell him that he doesn't like the way I do it, so he can do it himself. I can't even tell you how picky he is with eggs, if they don't peel eight and leave nicks or they're not cooked to his liking. I could go on about other ridiculous stuff. I have my own crap to worry about. I just ignore him and do my own thing.
Iammesues in reply to
I took over the master bedroom and sent him to guest room. It’s definitely my cave. The silence in here is so beautiful that it’s hard to leave it. How will we survive this situation? Will we gain the strength to leave?
Iammesues in reply to
How are you? Covid has killed my soul, my desire to speak. My bed is my protector
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