Please be strong.

[Misspell]

I understand how you feel. The pain can be overwhelming and at that moment you just want it to end. I found my son hanging in our garage. I cut him down and gave him CPR but is was to late he was already gone. I live with PTSD and relive that moment everyday, giving him that lifeless breath. I was so depressed myself, fighting through cancer only to find my son. I fought for my life and he took his. I too have wanted to die and take away all this pain. I attempted many times, but remembering all the pain my family and friends went through stopped me. This pain is so unbearable, and my life really ended that day. I'm sorry I know this response is very dark, but I want you to know that there is so many people that love you, and their lives will forever be devastated. The medication journey is very hard, I know. I went through so many side affects until they found the right medication. They did a genic test and I don't have all the side effects now. You are so young, please fight through this, not only for you but your family and friends as well. If I would have ended it, I wouldn't have met my youngest grandchildren. My oldest grandson lives through the loss of his father. He hung himself the day after his birthday. If you get that feeling call someone, get outside, do something you love. I painted my pain away. I painted a picture for my hospice therapist. Keep fighting to get the right medication, you will feel better. I haven't been on here for awhile, but when I get an email like yours I have to respond. Be strong and fight!❤

[Starrlight]

TRIGGER warning suicide

((((((((( ❤️))))))))) Thats tragic. My brother took his life the same way your son did. I wonder what he is doing and I pray for his soul sometimes. I wonder if I will only be healed from the tragedy in the afterlife and I too have wanted to take my life but I don’t want the bad to win over the good and I believe I have to keep going and see what happens no matter how much I suffer... God gave a life for reason...I live mainly for my kids but I too try to believe I deserve better and maybe some day I can exhale and live without so much fear keeping me down, trapped within my worries and poor decisions. I’m so sorry for your loss and the pain that you go through each day. Blessings and healing to you.

[Misspell in reply to Starrlight]

I'm so sorry for your loss too. God knows our pain, and your brother and my son are with God. He knows the pain we feel, and our loved ones are at peace with no more pain. I was so close with my son, but mental illness, the nightmare of medication that only makes things worse he couldn't handle. He was bipolar, and I went through 10 years to help him. He never said anything when he committed suicide. It's so very hard, but we need to be strong for ourselves and our family. I felt the same way as you. I was so afraid for him the way he died. God knows their pain, as well as ours. The pain we live is so very hard. If we can help others through our pain, your brother and my son can help others. We need to be strong.❤❤

[Starrlight in reply to Misspell]

I think yes we can help others through our own pain but it’s so tiresome to think of going on with the illness and think it may never get better and I fear I’ll get Alzheimer’s like my mom on top of it or that my sons will inherit my illness. ..but I pray for both of us that we will have more and more peaceful joyous times in life. Your son didn’t say anything and my brother left a strange note. I have bipolar but I lived most of my days in fear and depression but I am determined, like you are, to stay strong no matter what. You are beautiful! ❤️

[Misspell in reply to Starrlight]

It's so very hard the depression and mental illness we live with. My grandmother died from Alzhymer. My youngest son graduated from college with honers, and he was also diagnosed with CPD, anxiety disorder. He is so strong and will not let the mental illness keep him from reaching his goals. I wish I was as strong as him. 26 years old, bought a $500.000 house, fighting for his Masters, and still takes care of his mother. He is my pride and joy. I was an area manager with 8 stores, and he has more employees with AT&T. I hate that the mental illness takes away who we are, and who we were. We are better and we need to fight for our lives back.

[Starrlight in reply to Misspell]

🥰 wow

[fauxartist in reply to Misspell]

I will never say I understand your loss...I only have experienced those dark thoughts myself for many, many years since I was a child, until I finally got some help. And no parent should ever have to outlive their child. I've seen the devastation when it happened to a couple I was very close friends with. I stayed with them for the first week to help with all the people coming and going, and listened to the stupid comments, and also some that showed such kindness.

But to say I could understand what they were going through....never. It was heartbreaking, and every parent grieves differently. The dad couldn't let go after months and months, and the mom was angry that the son never told her what he was going through. The reality is, only the son knew, and there was nothing they could have done. It was his choice to do this, and not their fault, they raised him the best they could with all the love they could,...but he too had mental health issues. He was taking Paxil...for many years after his first attempt 9 years earlier. For many years he was doing well enough, he got his degree and became a teacher like his parents. His parents did everything they could to help him, and even volunteered working a hotline every Friday night to keep learning and understanding what people were going through.....

Then a friend of their son gave him a book on how to live life medication free, so he quit taking his Paxil cold turkey....five days later he was gone. And he did leave a note....he told them not to blame themselves, but his demons were back and he just couldn't live with them anymore.

After many more months, the father said to me that he just couldn't let go. I told him I didn't think letting go meant ever forgetting them. And I said I had read a story about a mom who was having the same sadness. And I found this beautiful story....It was about a little boy who was waiting to follow the other children who had passed on to a place of eternal peace, and all the children waiting to move on, had a candle that was lit to light their way. But one little boy keep waiting to go with them, but never did, and when asked why he wouldn't go with them, he said because his mother’s tears keep putting his candle light out, and he couldn't leave. So finally one day he told his mother that he wanted her to stop crying and being sad, that he was okay and with the other children and he would be at peace...and wanted her to understand that he needed to know she was going to be okay so he too could move on.

[Misspell in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you so much!! My son suffered so much with his mental illness. He had the kindest soul, and wanted to fight and take care of his son. He wanted so much to take of him and have his own place. I spent 10 years searching for help for him. Every time he became manic I would drive him to New York. I couldn't get help for in our state.I will never get over the guilt and pain I feel. He told me he quiit taking his medication, and I should have taken him to New York. I took him to the doctor the next day. He killed himself a day and a half later. He had his own place set up for himself and son. He killed himself the day after his sons birthday, and the same week his dream of having his own place would have come true. The last year and a half I took care of mother as she slowly died with the pain of lung cancer. My PTSD was so bad, taking care of her, and seeing what I saw in my son. I had more love from strangers than my own family. I wish I would have died from my own cancer, but that wasn't the end of my journey. I could go on and on with the unbelievable reality of what is. Thank you so much for your kind words, you are wonderful. I know how much my son loved me. He never would have ever wanted to hurt me. I miss him so much.

[fauxartist in reply to Misspell]

Hold that love close to your heart....know that he is always with you, he never left you....but I don't believe he would want you to suffer, or be in this much distress, knowing he is finally at peace now. He did his best, and you did everything you could, what could you possibly feel guilty for. Of course you miss him, but also be happy for him that he is longer suffering. We just cannot fix other people when they are broken, no matter how hard we try, we cannot.

[Misspell in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you!! I know I did my best for him. He did suffer so much and he didn't want to take medication anymore. It's so very hard, but I know he's at peace.

[Survivingtheworld__]

I’m so sorry for your loss and thank you so much for this post we are here for you.

[Misspell in reply to Survivingtheworld__]

be strong and fight through the bad thoughts. If you talk about it you can get help. When it happens there's no turning back. Your life matters, but it's up to you to help yourself and others. I wish my son would have said something. Please get help, find happiness and help others through your pain. Take care !!❤

[Irishinthebay]

I’m so so sorry for the loss of your son. I can’t even imagine what that was like for you. I have two little girls who live with their dad right now because I’m too depressed to take care of them and it destroys me every day - I’m really sorry you had to experience that.

Michelle ❤️

[Misspell in reply to Irishinthebay]

I will never recover from that pain. I know it's so hard, but you have to fight through the darkness. Your children love you and are waiting for you. Their love and strength can help you, and your love for them can change your world. Please don't let the depression keep you from your beautiful girls. The love from them can help you get through all this. Please take that hard step, love on them no matter how you feel. The love you have for them will make everything okay. PLEASE try, all of you deserve happiness and a good life. I will be praying for you!! ❤

[Irishinthebay]

Thanks you for your sweet message. I recently had a 5 week hospitalization and had to stop working and give up my home. I was hardly able to get out of bed for the previous year or more. I am no good to my babies like that, I’m very sick. I’m working hard to get better so that I’ll never have to leave them again - my heart is in pieces but I will have them back, I know that I’m my heart. I’m getting better for them so that I can be the mom they deserve to have.

Michelle

[Misspell in reply to Irishinthebay]

I will be praying for you. I hope you get better soon!!❤

[Irishinthebay in reply to Misspell]

Please do and thank you ❤️🙏

[fauxartist]

I am soo sorry for your loss, and admire your kindness and graciousness to share your story and your pain here so that those that do struggle can understand what it is like for those left behind. Some say it's an incredibly selfish thing to do, to take your life, but for those in the moment, some see no way out. I am grateful for you being here, and for being so honest...if one person can read this and understand that there is another way, there can be hope....you have done a wonderful thing....thank you.

[Misspell in reply to fauxartist]

Thank you!!

[kenster1]

hi I am sorry for your loss and the suffering that followed.my cousin took his life in the same way he had everything you could want at a young age but he never had happiness and contentment in life.i don't know the ins and outs as to whether he ever had support from family or friends or he had those feelings trapped in his mind alone.my young son aged only 6 I wasn't present at the accident but as soon as I got out the police car my ex came out screaming I knew he was gone.i didn't even go into the hospital I made a run for the power station and tried jumping in only to be stopped by my late friend and the officer who ran me up.eventually I went in and saw my son with the priest I held him cuddled him and kissed him I swear I could feel him move but the priest said something like it was his organs stopping working something like that any way.its not seeing my son dead that kicked it off for me but the words of the doctor saying imagine an egg shell being crushed that was my sons head as he had 90 skull fractures hence the reason we couldn't donate his organs but those words do horrify me and cost me years of pain but its easier to manage because he is always on my mind I try and picture the few happy memories we had together rather than the pain he suffered that usually surfaces more in the build up to his anniversary.god bless you and your dear son.

[Misspell]

I'm so very sorry for your loss and all the pain. It's so hard sharing the pain and trauma, you are wonderful thank you!! It took me two years before I was able to put his pictures out, the pain, loss and trauma was to much for me. I went to support groups for suicide survivors, counseling, and also support groups for mental illness. I know the pain will never go away, but with time it is getting a little easier. God bless you and your son as well.❤

[kenster1 in reply to Misspell]

I still don't have pictures up after 20 years I do have one the only one taken with my mum every new years eve I get it out wipe it down cuddle it shed a few tears then put it away again.yeah been to mental health and bereavement as well as recent as last year.its hard but it does get a little easier but the pain always stays.god bless you and your dear son also and take care.

[Misspell]

You take care as well. Thank you!!

[kenster1 in reply to Misspell]

anytime just wanted to let you know in case you didn't know that we have another forum on here that may help its called bereavement care and share its a great little supportive community.

[Misspell in reply to kenster1]

Thank you!!