Escaped for a bit...

[CanuckAnon]

I went out tonight cuz I was sick and tired of twisty negative paranoid crap spinning around in my head. Not sure it helped as I went alone and talked to nobody except to order a drink, pay my bill. I did however put on normal clothes, brushed my hair and did not wear a cap....

I stayed for 1 drink then walked home... felt awkward and weird being by myself. Kinda like an animal in the zoo really.... but I did it!

Now I must face my bedroom... cleaning off my bed so I can sleep in it again and get off the couch. I haven’t slept in my room in over 6 months as that is where the spiral down started so I have not spent too much time in there since moving to couch as I find it depresssing and a constant reminder of just how bad I got. I am afraid if I sleep in there again I will slip back to how I was. Not rational but it is what it is....

Vent and all pat on my own back done!

[Hidden]

Good for you, canuck!

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

Thanks.... is it normal do u think to be shaking? I can’t stop shaking like I’m cold or scared.... I’m neither as I’m home in warm house, under blankets and safe...

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

Are you nervous about sleeping in your bed again?

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

Yes but I’m not dealing with that tonite.... thinking daylight will help make the clearing off bed part easier to cope with. Things that go bump in the night and all.... I’m still shaking though.... heart not racing, blood pressure appears normal... thinking a nice hot bubble bath and cuppa tea will help at least won’t hurt....

Tomm is another day to slay the beast that my bedroom has become at least in my own mind....

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

Heat is a beautiful thing. I love hot tea,baths- though I usually just take hot showers at my gym. (They must have the best water heater, because I've taken some lonnng showers)

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

I won’t shower in public so u are way braver than me....

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

Have a good night canuck!

[LadyZen]

There's nothing wrong with enjoying a night out on your own. I do it all the time. It gets less weird every time and I see other people do it all the time too.

[CanuckAnon in reply to LadyZen]

It was my 1st time in a long long time. I will try again... maybe stay for 2 drinks next time.... lol

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

You really sound like me. I tried to go to a music event last night but couldn't get out of the car. I was sitting in the parking lot, looking at all the cars thinking, "there must be alot of people in there."

[CanuckAnon in reply to Hidden]

Ya pretty much like me... I sat outside on the snow covered patio having my drink cuz there were so many ppl inside it freaked me out but I did go... so maybe next time if there is one I will sit inside and not in snow but probably still not talk to anyone...

That’s too bad about music festival... don’t u hate your brain sometimes? I swear it’s my worst enemy most of the time... tells me I should do this or that then freaks me out about doing whatever when I’ve managed to get out to do the very thing....

[Hidden in reply to CanuckAnon]

For me, I feel like its shaky confidence. Its at the heart of my issues. If I can build my confidence, I ll take on the anxiety and depression.

[Agora1]

You did good Canuck. One step at a time. xx

[CanuckAnon]

Room is not messy... I used the bed as a Depot for stuff so I did not have to look at it.... clean laundry went there, blankets... summer clothes etc.

It is hard not to remember what it represents.... this is why I have left it this way and do not spend much time in there. It’s like it’s haunted or something.