First Counselling session and how to get my words out

[luthien]

So I am having my first counselling appointment later today and looking to you guys for help / advice about how to say stuff / what to say when they ask what I'd like out of the sessions. I've had one other one years ago for a different issue, so I sort of know the format.

Basically I've always been the type of person people (family and close friends) find approachable / friendly, and will then talk to me / open up, which I find amazing and great. However it does leave me feeling exhausted / and emotionally run down. So recently I've been trying to focus on myself plus my own feelings, which often means I have to tell others that although I'm grateful that they like opening up to me, right now I need my space. This means I'm called selfish, which hurts - especially coming from my family. It also means I get told "go on, I'm listening" as their attempt to get me to open up and talk.They're so used to telling me all their problems I guess they don't know how to listen to me, so they then try and talk over me telling me they know what I'm going through and offer advice / practical solutions. Which confuses me because that's not what I wanted / expected or they suggested, I guess they don't know how to just listen, which is fine by me, but when I've said that I've always been the one that listens and actually it's exhausting they just say "well we won't tell you things" and that doesn't help because I'd rather we all speak openly, but it's making me not feel like talking to anyone if all I have is them talking over me with their "advice" and then not telling me how they're feeling.

I guess what I'm wanting to get out of the counselling is a way of working through this problem; to not sound so selfish but to not get frustrated when my family talk over me to give practical advice. I've tried saying I'm uncomfortable with a topic and they ignore that, I've tried planning a conversation around what I'd like to talk about and what they can help with so that it's directed but that often still leads to them going off topic and frustrating me because they've not stopped / haven't listened. After those sorts of phone calls which are usually planned in once a week and for about 30 mins, but can be anywhere from 10 to 40 depending on how much they want to say because aside from physically hanging up they will not listen to me wanting to change the topic. Aside from hanging up which I've done years ago, nothing works, but hanging up doesn't solve anything as it just stops a conversation and makes me look selfish. Anyway the result is these conversations leave me so exhausted that I've recently had to call in sick because my brain is just mush. The same happens if we visit or meet up, they will listen for about 30 seconds then start telling me what I should be doing / that I shouldn't get angry / frustrated.

A brief history which could help; I'm 36 ish, married, we both have good jobs, we're looking at buying our first home, I cycle commute to work because cars just add to queues, we don't have children / aren't planning, we have two dogs which my family just aren't bothered about. My parents have recently had some time apart, at which point I had both sides telling me all sorts of stuff, then after that they're back together and "all is fine now, so you should be okay, and forget what we've said". I have a younger brother whom likes to moan about life. I guess I feel left out that they're all able to talk and have a moan and I'm, just here to absorb everyones problems but never be heard myself. My hubbys family do have a scheduled phone call too (we find talking to people exhausting so planning for us is essential. They do ask what we're up to and how things are, but do just listen as they know they're too far away (200 miles drive, same as mine) to actually help hence they leave us to ourselves.

I don't know if I'm making sense and I don't want it to all come out garbled in my session later. The main push for the session is that I've recently had a breakdown where I just screamed at everyone that I'm not as strong as people think, I am a human being too and sometimes I just need others to listen to me too like I listen to everyone and to respect my space if I don't want to talk / want to change the subject / speak freely, otherwise I won't talk. But that feels like it didn't work because all I got back is "you just need to think about yourself, stop worrying about others and pull yourself together because you're strong". Hmph....

Sorry this turned into a long post, thanks for reading if you made it this far and I hope it hasn't added to your problems x

[Bluetj]

My first counseling session was @ a mental facility. I never really opened up although the people, couselor & other clients, were very supportive. When I left there, I immediately found another counselor which it took me a couple of visits to open up. That has been almost 5 years ago. Some days I can go n & pour my soul out, other days it just don't seem real, if that makes sense.

I say give urself time & take baby steps to get to know ur therapist. The words will come. 😁

[Hidden]

Writing things down might help so you don't forget anything, my brain was on overdrive on my first session I couldn't talk but no worries most people's first time don't go as planned. Just know that the person is here to help and yo actually LISTEN to whatever you have to say