Dark and angry shades of gray

[Mrspjsmom]

I am struggling. Barely leave the house, don't do anything even though I can't sleep. My thoughts and life are dark, angry shades of gray. I am done trying to figure out why. I am done telling myself how lazy and useless I am. I am still here and plan to be. So perhaps it's time to stop thinking, stop explaining, stop crying. For today I will simply be. Tomorrow may be better. It may be the same. But eventually I will see color again and savor it while it lasts.

[fauxartist]

It sounds like you have depression but you should get diagnosed. The disease is manageable but not curable...and you feel like crap because this disease makes you feel that way, it's a chemical imbalance.....and something you should talk to your doctor about.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

I know what you mean about a chemical imbalance in the brain. I'm sure that is a real problem but it makes me think of the old days when illnesses were though to be caused by "ill humors" and "bad air" with the requisite bleeding and leech therapy. Then came electricity and ECT. Better than frontal lobotomy...well, maybe not. Now we have all kinds of pills. Thousands, millions, in all colors, shapes and sizes...and only a handful actually work. Mental health hasn't increased very far. They prescribe drugs they do not know how it works, it just does. Why not pray to the Holy Snake and offer a virgin sacrifice? Alright I'm ranting now. Just my opinion for what it's worth.

[lawdog in reply to Hidden]

Are you experiencing any pain?

[Hidden in reply to lawdog]

Chronic, intractable pain. Old age, lifetime of hard work, it's all catching up to me. All those things the old folk said not to do while one is young, we did anyway. And now it's payback time. The body wants to rest and rebuild to the best of it's now weakened and conditioned self. Except for the medical MJ the medical establishment is banking all their hopes for pain relief on. Only it's a panacea; better than nothing. Thought to prevent further deaths from opiates and those suffering from pain with nothing but OTC poisons that may or may not provide slight relief but is toxic to the body. Yes I'm looking at you acetaminophen, naproxen sodium, ibuprofen. Unless one is "lucky" enough to develop cancer then getting adequate pain relief is chasing the Dragon's Tail. An almost useless endeavor.

An almost hauntingly beautiful song by The Stranglers, "Golden Brown" (youtu.be/AWAsI3U2EaE)(Not working as expected?) makes me yearn. Though I've never done heroin and would never inject myself, the longer this goes on the more I'm tempted. It's been said this song is about a woman, or heroin. The lyrics can go either way. Just like life. A line I remember reading on a wall or somewhere, graffiti, said "The mind is a terrible thing. Waste it." No arguments from me. I've been on that bandwagon for awhile now.

[lawdog in reply to Hidden]

You're going through a very rough period. I don't know much about your pain background, but I have chronic pain that can make me think on a pleasant evening outside, that it would be so nice just to have a vacation from it.

I read an indepth section in the December 2019 issue of the AARP magazine you may want to read. There is one page that discusses that pain and loneliness and depression have a relationship.

Appears loneliness or isolation, being away from others and depression and pain have a medical relationship.

The more the loneliness or isolation, the more the regions of the brain involved with physical pain are registered; it appears to be an inflammatory response.

The researchers are attenpting to determine if the real pain created by our brains can be reduced, perhaps the intensity of loneliness and depression we feel decreases.

I had never seen this issue that the loneliness and depression many of us may feel, the more our brain are producing real pain.

Take this info as you wish. but I am taking the AARP December 2019 to my neuropsychiatrist.

I would like to find any reliable pain reduction and find a way for my depression not to prevent me from seeking new ways to socialize.....even if it is just finding a church bingo. Won't be easy when I feel this depressed and pain elevation.

My best to you and wishes for pain reduction.

[Hidden in reply to lawdog]

Yeah, sounds like all that fits me like a glove. I have no doubt at all. If nothing else my brain has little to no active input (other than t.v. and music) so it begins to examine itself in more detail and find more receptors checking in with pain signals that were formerly overlooked. Kind of like "make work" when there's little else for it to do. Makes sense, I agree.

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

No...your right, there is no real science yet...there is some promise with having your genes analyzed to determine the correct meds, but most can't even afford therapy or meds even if they could take them. It's a crap shoot otherwise to find what works to just learn to cope with the symptoms. Trepanation was the course of treatment for thousands of years for mental illness....

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

The further backwards we slide into the lack of adequate mental health understanding as well as expansive, inexpensive treatment options, I think I can write up a report stating that this "recently discovered" technique is fantastic and add a few fake reviews. See how many people wanting to sign up for it. Call it anything but what it really is. That's the way marketing is done. Ha ha, just for the fun of it...I may give it a shot.

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

Sadly snake oil salesmen have profited off of peoples misery and desperation for thousands of years. I just watched a series about the next pandemic...epidemiology was one of the most interesting courses I studied in college, and we are well past our sell buy date. I am more concerned now about inadequate medical care than ever before, because if people can't afford care or meds....and poverty is growing exponentially....this is ripe pickin's for the next big bug epidemic....and it's already raising its ugly head in China and recently Africa. Ebola has become more virulent, and so has this new coronavirus flu in China, which is where SARS started last time.

But equally important is the mental health crisis, much of which has grown exponentially in Gen Z ... young adults are experiencing the highest rates of depression and anxiety because of social media. The disconnection from reality and bulling is an epidemic itself. How do we cure this problem when cell phones have become an integral part of most.

I believe much of what we are going through today is due to overuse and miss-use of antibiotics, as many of these secondary pneumonias from these respiratory coronaviruses are drug resistant. Many meds are now not working because more of the same patterns. I have been an herbalist since I was 15yrs old living in San Francisco during the 60’s for a couple of years, where I learned more natural remedies, and much of the current meds come from natural sources originally, or were synthesized from their chemical structure. I think by sheer need we will revert back to ‘you are what you eat’, and grandmas old fashion remedies, much of which actually do really work. I have studied the history of herbal medicine dating back to the days of Nomadic tribes Shamans and healers….and without all the superstition, there is still so much truth to the cures. MRSA was killed in a lab from a dark ages recipe….that was an eye opener to scientists.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

I've also heard interesting reports of collecting stool samples from archeological digs or such to examine the micro-flora of the gut of our ancestors. No doubt they had good buggies in their blood, along with bad, that we may learn and potentially benefit from. About the latest pandemic, I'm beginning a conspiracy theory that China intentionally infected all airport outbound flights. Now we're getting the zombie...er, whatever it is, bugs all the place. How sneaky they are. A pandemic would certainly reset the population of the planet big time. How far back we fall is the question. It's interesting to note that the CDC has in fact used the Zombie Apocalypse scenario to examine how disease from person to person spreads, and how quickly. Chinese chicken virus, duck flu, just ban all flights from China. Have everyone switch to another plane between here and there. Let them sort it out in another country. As for kids, cell phones and social media...the cat is out of the bag. I'm afraid there's little we older folks can do to change that, only sit back and wonder WTF? are they doing now? And why? Lol, maybe it's just me.

[fauxartist in reply to Hidden]

If you want a real case scenario of what could happen....although the movie is by one of the Monty Python guys, Terry Gilliam...'12 Monkey's'...it is still a real possibility of how a deadly pathogen could become a pandemic by 'patient zero' in a matter of just a few months. I think the only recourse is to start with ourselves and our own health. Make better choices that we can control, because we cannot control outside environmental issues such as politics and nature taking its course of culling the heard.

[Hidden in reply to fauxartist]

Great movie, excellent. Made a great point, spot on. So it's past time to start building the underground bunker. Got it. Culling the herd, perfect reference.

[Kkimm]

Really hope you are feeling better soon.

My thoughts and best wishes to you.

Kim

[Mrspjsmom in reply to Kkimm]

Thank you. I will eventually climb out of this black hole. I have done it many times before.

[Hidden in reply to Mrspjsmom]

You have reason to. If you've done it before you know the way, very good. Many of us see little or no reason to climb up other than to escape the horrors of depression. Anything other than feeling like this. I'd settle for about halfway up so there's not so far to fall and if the color of the sky in my world begins to brighten, perhaps I may go up and see what I can do to rejoin society. At this stage, not yet halfway up. Kinda stalled and really questioning whether to continue. Just freeze my life, my home, everything I have, own, and who I am, just frozen in time. Not so bad, could be better. I'm an old man, why bother? Settling into simple contentment due to crap beyond my control. I'm tired of being pissed off at everything. Oh yeah, right now I'm trying to install a new printer and of course everything is effed up. It started the middle of the day I needed a simple copy. Had a new printer still in box (received two months ago, never opened) and decided o.k. today I'll actually do something. NOT. One failure led to another and another as every work around was not performing properly. That's my life, the stupid domino effect.

[Beevee]

Simply letting yourself think and feel everything and surrendering to it all is the way to recover. Acceptance is the foundation of recovery from anxiety and depression. The reason why so many people continue to suffer is because they are constantly trying to figure out why they are thinking and feeling the way they do. They continually fight to feel different when all along, it is this struggle that is keeping them trapped in a vicious cycle. If sufferers learn to be genuinely ok about not feeling ok, those symptoms will disappear.

When you hit rock bottom, the only way you can go is up.

[Mrspjsmom in reply to Beevee]

I had never considered acceptance as being so important but it makes sense.

[Hidden]

I know that feeling well. I've been at rock bottom for some time but am slowly climbing the rungs back up. It's unsteady but I'm no longer at the bottom. Still, any little upset and I could fall, so I only think about what's above me. I know what's below me and I do not like it. But you, you have hope. That speaks volumes about your ability to hope, to try regardless. That is a goal. However we both know that every goal we make we can think of many reasons to break it. Regardless I think you should speak to a professional, whether it be your family doctor or otherwise. When I was having a breakdown my PCP offered to set me up an appt. with a counselor if I wanted. Though I did thank him I said I'd keep that in mind I never went. I thought that was perceptive of him and just what a genuine family doctor should do for his patients, regardless of their injury or illness. He was not in that field but would find someone who was, just for me. Maybe your doc isn't that kind, but find someone to talk openly to. Getting it out is a part of the struggle. Even if you just want to come in here and chat there's always someone around no matter the day or night. Insomnia, night owls, no reason to go to sleep cause the sun is down. Oh, and meds. If you do seek professional help and they give you meds please come here and check them out. We've all taken probably everything modern mental medicine has to offer and can give you our honest opinion about their efficacy. Docs can receive kickbacks for prescribing certain meds and it your symptoms fit, that's what you get. Just as an added bonus: Check the side effects on any medication you're given. Some will make your condition even worse. Then ask us. Just my advice. For what it's worth. Take care, hoping for the best.

[Mrspjsmom in reply to Hidden]

Thank you. I didn't even realize I still had hope. I am being treated for my depression and anxiety. Have a great therapist and psychiatrist. My PCP is also amazing. She keeps track of everything and gets reports from them as well as the NP I see about managing the pain from my fibromyalgia. Just more depressed than usual right now. But I will climb out of my black hole eventually.

[Hidden in reply to Mrspjsmom]

That last statement is a testament to your strength, that you may not be feeling at the moment, but is there to give you reason, hope, and even recovery. Or at least on an even keel. You're thinking right, go for it. Make us proud! It's always a lovely day when a rehabilitated human can be released back into the society from which they came. Cured and cleared for takeoff into that maelstrom we call Life. To quote Walt Whitman, "O Captain! my Captain! our fearful trip is done". You're on a good track to get this ship back to safe waters. Stay away from the rocks and those that would try to stop you or cause you setbacks. Finely tune your radar for the best path to chose from. Chalk the past up to lessons learned and file it away, deep in your mind and hard to access; as my Italian friends would say, "Fuhgettaboutit." I have made some monumental mistakes in my life costing LOTS of money (in perspective) overall. But every dime I spent correcting my mistakes I remember how many dimes I've already spent and how I could really use them now. Oh well, c'est la vie. If you need to talk you know you are always welcome here. We'll give you advice, opinions, help you make your life's decisions and give you the best info on medication you won't find in a Physician's Desk Reference (PDR). Take care my friend, and stay safe.

[Mrspjsmom in reply to Hidden]

I wish I could put into words how much your encouraging words mean on another cold, dark morning with little sleep. I will fight.

[Hidden in reply to Mrspjsmom]

I'm far from a decent, respectable human being but I am good with words. It's one of my few skills so I use it in a way I feel will display my genuine feelings, perhaps even inspire. So fight yet another day we will. Well, perhaps not now, but when the weather eases up a bit. I'm picturing you at the starting gate, awaiting the starter pistol to jump up and move, get stirring, do something positive and keep going. Trying to keep the mind distracted from non-positive thoughts isn't easy, so I put on my music LOUD and go about the house doing what needs to be done.

[Nikky1]

I closely identify with the agony of all sufferers of depression, anxiety, and/or ocd. I had a genetic test which revealed, quite accurately, that all current ssri and snri meds would be ineffective in treating my symptoms. I’ve even had ect, which did nothing but destroy my short-term and even portions of my long-term memory. I’m about to try rTMS (repetitive transcranial magnetic stimulation), although it’s success rate is quite low at about 30%. I’m also being treated by a cognitive behavioral therapist, which seems to be somewhat effective.

Any comments or suggestions dealing with what Churchill described as the “black dog” will be very helpful.