Hi everyone! I've not been a member of this forum for very long, but I found you all during a very difficult time and I wanted to give you some of the hope back that you all gave me. I also wanted to reassure you all and give you the other side of the coin when loving and looking after someone suffering. So part of this is a letter, and the other part are some things I wish you could all know from both sides.
Both my mum and dad suffer from deep depression in different ways, and more recently, additional anxiety. My mum's experience is probably best explained as resulting from a combination of emotional exhaustion, chemical imbalances, and pushing herself too much. We have a history of mental illness in every female member of her family (and some of the men) and she first experienced this with post natal depression after having me (I'm 34 and she had it again with my younger sister), although she didn't really realise or was properly diagnosed at the time. She is a wholly selfless person, and it hasn't been until recently that we realised this was part of the stress and exhaustion that made her unwell. When you put others before yourself, and neglect your own wellbeing, your own health truly suffers. Since her first PND experience, to my teen/adult knowledge she has suffered around six bouts of severe depression that I have helped her through. There are probably more. The way she usually suffers is to sink into a quiet, dark, lonely space, where she feels nothing-she can't cry, so there is no release, she can't explain her feelings, so any questions result in extreme anxiety because she simply cannot make a decision-asking her if she'd like a cup of tea can result in a twenty minute anxiety attack because she doesn't know what to answer. The other side is the silence-the sitting on the sofa desperate for something to engage in, but lacking the energy or motivation to even respond to a hug, a meal, or a well-intended but ultimately useless suggestion from a family member. and that's when she has made it out of bed. Complete hopelessness and a bleak outlook, in a direct reverse image of her usual positive personality and cheerfulness. In previous bouts. a combination of medication, rest, understanding from a GP, gentle exercise and patience has always seen her through, but this time was different. My dad suffered a serious medical issue and had two spells in hospital within a short time. Unfortunately, whilst at home to look after my dad, I had a medical issue of my own (gyno one if any of you share those issues too and want to chat!) and it was the trauma of finding me ill at home, and worrying about my dad, whilst my mum had un-diagnosed medical worries of her own, that sent her down again.
BUT
After that backstory essay, despite all of the struggles we worked through, my mum is on the up. And the reason for this letter is the following:
-there is ALWAYS a better day. Sometimes you have a good day and the next day is bad, and it feels like you've taken a backstep and there's no progress. This is the shitty voice telling you that. My mum asked me every day-why do I feel so low today when I felt ok yesterday? Am i not getting better? and CONSTANTLY "I feel like I should be getting better quicker". Every day is progress. A bad day is just that. Don't let it derail you. Sometimes you'll have one good day out of five. the next week you might get two.
-keep a journal. what happened when you had a good day and what happened on a bad? How did you sleep? Who did you speak to? What did you eat? Read back the good moments to remind you during the bad.
-go for a walk. Even when it's the last thing you want to do. Fresh air and the outside world will ALWAYS lift your spirits, and that goes for all of us. I'm the laziest person in the world but dragging myself out for a walk or a bike ride makes me feel like i can handle things.
-give it time, and TALK. You won't feel better overnight. I wish I could tell you that you will, but it's better to be realistic. You will also probably need to try a number of different medications to find the one that works for you. My mum had been on the same antidepressant for at least twenty years, and suddenly it didn't seem to work anymore. It's taken us nine months and four different drugs to get the right medicine and the right balance for her, and last week she finally turned that corner...Finally. there was sunshine behind that cloud and there WILL be for you too.
For anyone struggling:
-Don't ever apologise. When you are feeling your most vulnerable and worried. that's when we just want to give you a hug. Sometimes we panic when we don't know how to help you, but our clumsiness is just because we care. Tell us what you need.
-You are not a burden. Not ever.
-It's ok to not talk. If you just want to sit quietly, or maybe hug and sit next to someone but not explain yourself, that's ok too.
-I know that my mum feels better when I sit with her and hold her hand, but don't ask her how she's feeling. If you feel ok to, tell your closest person the same. Or maybe write some tips for your loved ones to let them know how to be there for you.
-You are so loved. and it will get better. I promise.
Written by
Boots14
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Thanks for the encouragement Boots14. I had a relapse about a week ago and I'm really feeling bad. I haven't had a good day yet but I know I have felt better before so I'm trying to keep the faith.
You really will Bonkers65-I know it feels shitty right now and you're tired, but like you said-you've done it before and you CAN do it again. You are so brave and so strong, you should be so proud of yourself for getting up each day and giving it your best. It WILL get better, and at some point these struggles will be a memory that helps you appreciate how far you've come. Please do keep the faith, and if you need a friend we're all here x
You are amazing! Sometimes just putting one foot in front of the other is the hardest thing, but you are still here, sharing your story and giving it a shot. That's real strength, and there is sunshine behind all those shitty grey clouds . xx
Hi boots14, just read your post . Wow what a lucky mummy your mum is . To understand her depression so well and so personally is amazing!! Its not everyone that can see it as it as and know what a person really needs and keep hope,well done to you ,I hope you're blessed a hundred times over!! I want everyone to know there is hope too,for every one , no matter how bad or how long the depression has been. I was so bad for so long I thought I'd be stuck like that forever,but I'm so so much better , even happy ( mostly 🤣). And that's good enough for me! 🤗❤️🌈
Your post made me want to give you the biggest hug Mumma_h !! What a lovely thing to say, and such wonderful advice and encouragement for everyone else. I am so happy that you are feeling happier and more positive after a difficult time, thank you for sharing and lots of love to you x
Hi Boots14, I rarely come in here but for some reason decided to tonight and I’m so happy I did.
First of all, I admire you so much for understanding and being there for her because God I know how hard it is and I still haven’t found someone who can actually understand. Your mom is extremely blessed to have you.
And also I want you to know that you’ve inspired me. It’s time to have a serious talk with my parents and try to make them understand so they know what to do and how to help.
Tomorrow I’m booking a session with my psychologist. THANK YOU ❤️
Adeli your post made me cry at work. When you said that you rarely come on here but that you did the night i posted, and that what I wrote had that effect, that's exactly how I felt when I found this group. The empathy and kindness I was shown at the most difficult time was just amazing, and I am so, SO glad that you recognised something in my experience that talked to you. I wasn't able/didn't know how to explain any of it for a very long time, and it took a huge toll on both me and my sister. I am so proud of you for having the courage to talk to your parents about how you feel and what you are going through, because it's not easy and opening up can be terrifying. I wrote a letter to my dad first, because he doesn't really talk about his feelings and I knew he'd struggle and clam up if I was too direct. If that sounds familiar to you then a letter is a really good start. I LOVE that you booked a session after reading the post, and I really want you to know that you inspired ME, because I did the exact same after reading yours.
It sounds like you have a lot going on, and when it all gets a bit much it's so good to share. So I want you to know that I'm here for you and so is everyone on here-please message any time, and well done you for taking that brave step xx
I’ve actually done letters in the past about other subjects because the simple thought of trying to have a conversation with them has always frighten me and given so much anxiety (of course because of how they are and experiences I’ve had with them) but yeah, I’m gonna do something similar, also working with my psychologist. It’s time to add some family therapy. It terrifies me but I don’t know, you honestly gave me so much hope. Thank you.
Please do-I wrote my dad a letter at a point where I didn't know what else to do. To be honest, I think I wrote about six (that night alone!) and threw them all away, until I decided I had to be brave and give him the chance to read it, and in his own time. Talking hadn't worked, crying hadn't worked, frustration hadn't worked...writing it down allowed me to be honest and get everything across, without argument or anger or disagreement. There's a kind of peace that can come from a letter, even if you don't send it. Giving yourself the chance to get everything you feel down on paper without anyone questioning you or interrupting or asking questions is so therapeutic. I think it's brilliant you're considering it as way of communicating with your family-go for it! And please don't worry if they don't respond straight away-the first letter I wrote to my dad he seemed to completely ignore, until I found it in the pocket of the jacket he wore every day-he'd been carrying it around with him and didn't know how/was too awkward to know how to respond, but he kept it near.
I hope you don't mind me asking, but you mention that you're frightened and anxious of having those conversations with your family-would you be comfortable sharing why? If not, please just know that some people are wired very differently-if it seems they don't understand, or care, it doesn't mean they don't love you or want to help. They just might not know how. xxx
I love this. The advice you’re giving really helps. These are all things I tell myself when I start to feel like shit. Sometimes we just need to hear it from someone else! Thank you for sharing your kind words and advice, God bless you and your family!
I'm so glad-I was just thinking about the things I wish my mum and best friend could believe when they are struggling. We are so hard on ourselves and it's pretty shit that our default is to criticise and judge so harshly, when we'd be so much kinder to our loved ones in the same situation. When I panic and think I'm a horrible person, the two things I try to do to calm myself down are these (feel free to laugh, I know it's ridiculous):
-have i hurt or killed someone and will i go to jail (generally, no)
-did i intentionally do this thing to hurt or upset, and am I usually a normal nice person.
(and when it's really bad)
-will at least one person still love me if they knew all the bad things about me
if I can answer yes to any one of those, then things will always be ok.
This goes for everything discussed above too. Nothing is ever so bad that it can't be worked out. and whatever you think the worst thing about you is, there will always be someone with something worse. and the likelihood is that you'd probably tell them not to worry about it. Give yourself the same kindness x
Your mom is one tough lady. I salute her. I also admire you for being kind, supportive and kind to your parents esp your mom. My 2 daughters are a lot like you. Your mom and I are so blessed to have you ladies.
I'm so glad you have your daughters. If your daughters are as loving, caring and kind as you seem then you have brought up two very special girls. Thank you for your lovely words, they mean so much <3
(although believe me, we all have our moments and my sister and I feel incredibly guilty when we get frustrated or short, but we're all human). My mum IS incredible, you're right, but she would disagree and be incredibly embarrassed that you'd pointed it out, and give you all the reasons why she thinks she's not. I have a feeling that a lot of the women (and men!) on this forum are the same. So to all of you out there going through your own struggles and fighting your private battles-you are amazing. Don't give up. Huge hugs to you Msaware x
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