Hello all,
I haven’t posted on here in a while and it’s because I’ve been very happy. I can’t remember the last time I could say that. I’m 21 years old. I’ve been in college since 2016. In 2019, I started nursing school. I’m about half way through the program. I want to drop out.
I am aware this initially sounds irrational and impulsive, but I feel at peace that I am being neither. This is going to be a lengthy post but let me explain; for my own journaling purposes and maybe some advice from you all if you have had a similar experience and would be kind enough to share or just offer some encouraging words.
I had an emotional realization tonight while driving home from my first day of this semester Something just hit me. I feel like part of self growth and reflection comes with admitting things that you don’t want to: I have spent most of my life doing things based on affirmation. For example, I spent 2 years with my previous boyfriend because I wanted something/someone people could look at and maybe want to be in my shoes. Completely silly, right? I wanted nursing school because of the challenge, and the challenge brought affirmation and admiration from people. Even just in simple conversations with strangers about being in a nursing program would lead to, “wow, that is an amazing profession” of “you must be really smart!” I fell in love with the attention surrounding the profession than the career itself. Don’t get me wrong, I think science is pretty cool, but I can’t even see myself doing clinical for the next three months, let alone the health care field for the rest of my life. It’s not because it’s hard, or because I am lazy. I know I can achieve it if I wanted to, I just simply don’t want to. I want to touch people’s lives, but not in a hospital setting.
About 6 months ago (half a year after I ended things with the shiny boyfriend I dated for no other reason than to flaunt around) I fell in love with someone I never expected to. He wasn’t like the other guys I dated for status. I wanted to be with him for all the right reasons, and suddenly nothing else mattered, including other people’s opinions. Now, I’m talking about my life here. Why wouldn’t I do the same with my career? I never saw myself as a nurse, I just didn’t think I could be anything else. And I don’t have a plan B (yet), but I cannot continue to sacrifice my happiness and freedom for security. If my actions were all behind closed doors, with no one else to see, I know 100% in my heart I would not be a nurse.
I’m going to go to class tomorrow because I believe in confirmation, but I think I just confirmed it myself.
In a way I feel relieved, like a weight is lifted off my shoulders. I know it will be hard without a direct path now, but I’m excited to see where I find my true happiness.
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