Today marks one year since I made an attempt to end my life. The day after my wife’s bday. I say attempt because I had a set plan, wrote goodbye notes and was heading to the place I wanted to be. Then I broke down crying and called a friend and went to the hospital. Im not sure that makes it an attempt.
Either way I spent the longest week of my life in the psych ward of the hospital. I felt too well to be there which sounds strange. But I vowed to never go back. It was awful.
My wife’s bday was yesterday. I made it as special as possible to try and erase her memory of last year. I swore up and down to her that I did not have thoughts of hurting myself.
But here I sit today one year later feeling awful and the same as I did one year ago. Doctors therapists meds - nothing has helped. I wonder what this anniversary would have been like for my family. Then I try and remember all the things I would have missed.
Logically I should be happy to be alive. But I am faking it every day. I feel hopeless. The only thing stopping me is the emotional harm I would do to my wife and kids. But I don’t know if that’s always going to be enough for me.
Just looking for some kindness. Thank you.
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Finx
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Well, when your in this mess no one thinks logically. It's all about what I can do to get better, if you know what I mean. About a couple months ago, I tried to attempt. I'm worse now than I was then. Let me tell you this, where would your wife be if it had worked? She would be in a similar spot that you are now in. This is not something you would wish on anyone.
I'm only 16 and most people don't understand me or who I am, but wherever I go I leave with someone's heart changed. In the past 3 schools, I have changed a life for good or for worse. I am reminded daily of these lives and it makes me feel better. I can't go back to tomorrow, but what I have learned is that I can change someone's future.
Hey Finx, I see your worth, it's written all over your message. You're a good man, it's clear you have dignity, respect and a caring nature. You have everything in front of you, easy to say but don't look back, that episode passed and it sounds like your wife probably understands you perhaps better than she maybe did before.
I've been on the edge, the thought isn't ever too far away but really deep down it's just the easiest option. The tougher choices are the ones that although daunting, have a better chance of rebalancing you.
I went through a horrendous seperation when my kids were 6 months, and 3 years old. Literally out in the street with no reason given, and still none forthcoming. That was 3 yrs ago. We were buying a house at the time and it was sudden. Not sure what she told friends and family but they blackballed me too!! I lost all sense of pride and purpose but now, things have improved. I tapered off my meds, took up photography and walked myself better. Hang in there brother, life has an uncanny knack if dealing the unexpected. Don't be the croupier
Oh finx, I'm coming up to the year 'anniversary' of my first attempt (there was many after, I expect more will come) and the events that followed play over and over in my mind - I wonder if there is an element of PTSD.
I feel the same way as a year ago - in that its different to how I've felt prior to my other attempts, which isn't a great place to be as although it wasnt my worst attempt it resulted in a 4month hospital admission and what I suspect as irreversible damage to my marriage.
I completely understand what you say, you have summed up my thoughts, your lucky that you can focus on the emotional effects your suicide will have on your family, unfortunately for whatever reason I dont have that protective factor stopping me.
I hope your accessing support that you need and your wife is understanding and supportive
I get a little weird on the anniversary of my attempt too, but as the years pass, it get's less and less difficult. Triggers are tough. They can eat us up. But, you are lucky you didn't go through with it and are here today. You are also lucky to have a wife and be able to celebrate her birthday. We are glad you are here Finx!
Hello, you are too young to die, try to look past those dark hauntings, life always gets better. Believe me, I tried it twice, it is not easy to kill the body, unless you use a gun, or a violent crash. There has to be some medication you have not tried yet, that can help. I have just come out of a 3 year trip thru hell, wanted to die so bad, thankfully I had given my gun to a friend for safe keeping, I am a on a new to me med, and it is working. Cymbalta, it is combined anti anxiety/antidepressant. I also have a wonderful therapist who specializes in Dep/Anx. Life is not easy for any of us, and especially if you are ill with depression, or any of the other mental issues that can inflict us. There is a number I have I want to give to Kaytee1981, Smiler & Book-Life and of course you, it is a 24/7 number and free, it is 988. Give it a try, they may have some answers for you. I wish you well, I have lived my whole life dogged with depression and then anxiety was added to it, I also had a trip down PTSD lane. My Pyschiatrist got me out of that. For some reason our brains do not get the chemicals needed to keep us balanced out, that is what makes it an awful struggle. Right now I feel so wonderful and am raring to go, I keep very busy and feel I have got quite a number of years to live, I am 77. I think your wife understands, if need be both of you go to therapy it can be so advantages. And for goodness sake, leave the past exactly where it is, "In the Past". Live for today, it is all any of us have, tomorrow has not got here yet,, and when it does we will live it according to how we feel, so do fun things, play with your children, cook dinner with your wife, go for walks together, look at nature, listen to the birds, all simple free things, that can bring joy into our daily lives. So please look inside yourself and find the packages that were given to you at birth. Courage, strength, love and like of self, this is not easy but it is possible, therapy helped open up these doors for me. Go ahead and enjoy your life, that is what god wants us to do. I send you energy, love and Big Hugs......Sprinkle 1......
I can relate to how your feeling as I have just lost my young son to suicide. I have been left feeling so guilty and think I’ve failed him.I do understand when you feel so low you can’t help wanting not to be here as he felt that way.If you can try and have hope and faith that you will come out of this depression as I have a few years ago.Just keep going like I am just now and I find keeping occupied helps if you’re up to it.Please take care.xx
I'm glad you changed your mind. It has been several years since my attempt and hospitalization. Some days are ok, others are still rough. You are a survivor and I hope on your worst days you can hold on to that. Depression and anxiety are difficult. Every medication, coping tool, doctor and therapist may take numerous changes until you find the combination that works best for you. I am glad you are still here. HUGS and BLESSINGS!
I’ve never gone a day in my life, even since childhood, that I didn’t want to step to the other side.
I don’t hide it or fight it. I acknowledge it. I’ve had major head/brain traumas so it’s quite common in people like me.
I think of it as a form of escapism. Some people are addicted to things. I have my get away zone.
I admire your strength. I’m glad you’re here.
Same time next year you have a date with all of us right here! 🙋♀️⚔️💛
Doaty💛
I am so sorry you have these feelings and glad at least your wife and kids prevent you from following thru so far. Ive never been suicidal but I think about it more now than ever, which scares me. I wouldnt want that to be my legacy I leave behind or give my grandkids permission to follow in my footsteps re suicide. It is a forever action. I hope you can find hope to keep trying to find joy and reasons for living. Im retired, which hasnt helped my atitude. Im thinking about maybe volunteering at our local nursing home. Maybe finding someone lonely that needs an adopted family.
Congratulations on your choosing to live anniversary! What a fantastic day. You really did make the choice, own it, cherish it and celebrate it. Name that day as the day you chose to live. You sound warm and caring, you have empathy and insight. Those are skills. Now, what are you going to do about it? You have so much to offer, a life to live and share. There are memories to make, good ones, funny ones, sad ones, mad ones... I wish you well.
An individual life sends out a ripple that effects so many others whether we are cognizant of it or not. I've been where you are. One thing I make a habit of doing is counting my blessings. It's 30 degrees here so I am grateful I am snuggled inside. I am grateful for my husband who works so hard to support us. My sweet son died in 2017 and I am grateful for the 37 years I was able to be his mother. I really believe being grateful releases endorphins that generate a sense of well being. I know this may sound hokey but I've had to get creative!
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