Expectations and Dissapointments

Why do I even expect when I know in the end people only disappoints me!

[Saltwater]

Hi Jewelmoon17. Is there something specific you are upset about or are you generally disappointed in people as I am? I have isolated myself from the majority of people because they continue to hurt me. For years, they have fuelled my gambling addiction. I have not gambled for nearly 2 years since I learn to expect a lot less from people and basically cut them off.

It hurts to push them back because I have a loving and giving nature, but they continue to trample on me and damage my spirit. I can't tell you how bad and personal I take things. It's like I feel things so deeply that it creates such a feeling of low self worth and I can self harm then because of the feelings it creates.

For years, it has been the same and I found that people just didn't change. They stayed the same and continued to hurt me despite the many times I go back for more and let them hurt me again. I see how people disregard others and how they treat each other and it upsets me deeply. I cannot make sense of the anger and pain in the world and it bothers me. The news is toxic and full of pain and I absorb it.

People disappoint us because we expect them to treat us fairly and in the same thoughtful and loving way we treat them. We look for people to mirror our own selves and we pour a lot of energy and care into others. When nothing comes back or we are treated unkind, it harms our spirit and we use this feeling to self loathe and think that it is us who don't deserve to be treated well. That's what I do anyway. I treat people good, they treat me bad and I choose to believe it is my fault that people disappoint me, when really it is their flaws.

The world just takes and takes and I hate the suffering and injustice. I wish things were back like they used to be in the old days before I was born. When life was slower and people took time for each other. Now people are out only for what they can get. I always felt like I was born out of time. That I would have been better suited to a time many years ago when life had more meaning and simple things mattered.

When we are depressed, it is easy to personalise everything. It is possible that these people have not deliberately thought to hurt us. On the contrary, they have not thought at all.

That's how it is with many people. They are self absorbed and self motivated where people like us are driven by the things we do for others.

You will feel better Jewelmoon17, if you learn to expect less and remember that most people aren't deliberately thinking bad of us, they are just not thinking at all. Depressed people are more tuned in to their feelings and because of that, we are also more in tune with others and their feelings.

Be good to yourself Jewelmoon17 and remember that you can't change others no matter how much you might want to. They have to do that for themselves. We can exhaust ourselves trying to get others to be a certain way, but in the end, it can defeat us.

Your name makes me think of a beautiful gilded moon sitting high in a crisp, dark sky. Like when you open a jewellery box and everything inside just sparkles and shines.

That is what we do. We sparkle! So don't let others take your shine.

xx

[Hidden in reply to Saltwater]

Thank you Saltwater. That is so beautiful. There's a really long list of disappointments with people I work with. I hate myself that I even expect that they will give effort and care. It's just the same with you. I try to make people happy. I don't want to disappoint them. I hate disappointing people. I don't want them to think less of me. But true, its' only me who's doing the good thing but they are doing the bad thing in return.

Its one reason why I wanted to be alone. Eat alone at work. Do my job. Go home and don't care about them. Just keep quiet all day. Only talk when necessary. Getting close to some people only makes me feel more depressed and disappointed.

It's a lesson I really need to get in my head. Don't expect. Others will never truly reciprocate what you do for them. Cause to them I am nothing. Not somebody important to make an effort to.

If i really want something for myself. I'll just work hard to get it. No use expecting they can help me.

[Saltwater in reply to Hidden]

I understand your pain. I think some of the hurt comes from the fact that everyone says you get what you give in life, that karma comes around but it doesn't. I know so many people who treat others so badly and use them for what they can get and good fortune continues to shine on them. They get ahead in life and I get depression, addiction and self harm.

People see a generous person as weak and soft. They see their good nature as a weakness to exploit. Instead of welcoming your kindness and offering some in return, they exploit you, use you and defeat you to the point where you question yourself.

You punish yourself for being soft and blame yourself for the way people treat you.

I can't stomach the greed and selfishness in my extended family any more. Their social media makes them look like absolute angels but I know who they really are and they are only about themselves and they do only what is in their interest to do.

They can't hurt me anymore because I no longer pour all my energy into them. I did good for them all the time and they leave me feeling invisible and black inside and I am tired of hurting myself because of others.

I learn the hard way that you can't make people behave the way you want them to. You can only change your own behaviour.

So many people expect so much of me and take me for granted because I have always been a certain way. Now they say things are not the same anymore and can't understand why but that is because they don't see themselves and their actions. They only see that I have changed but I had to change because they wouldn't!

I am tired of turning everyone else's issues into my own. For years, I carry a pack on my back full of all the hurt that people cause. I learn to see that it is not my flaws that I carry around but the failings of other people. There comes a point where you have to put the bag down and walk away. You can't fix the world, you can only hope that people see the good that you do and appreciate your light in the world. If they don't, then it is them who miss out.

It's important not to let people change who you are. If we do, then we become like them. I have not changed who I am. I have simply changed how I am with them because my efforts to make them see goodness is wasted on them and it is defeating me and I am fast running out of other cheeks.

You can give people only so much and then you run out. You become empty inside because it is only natural that people should give back. That is the way it is meant to work. When it doesn't, instead of seeing that it is their fault, we make it ours.

What we really need to do is stop. Then the next move is theirs. They either learn to appreciate you or you keep your wonderful giving nature for those that do.

xxx

[Dolphin14]

Totally agree with your conversation. We can't expect others to be like us and respond to us in the same manner. They are who they are. We need to realize and accept who they are, then decide if that's what we want in our lives.

People often hide behind Instagram and face book. You only see the Cinderella life they lead. Whose going to post " I feel so depressed today please help me" no one wants to show weakness on these media sights. Just remember we never know what's going on behind closed doors.

We have to remain true to ourselves. Know who we are and why we do what we do. I don't do kind things for reciprocation. It's who I am and I know the " players" in my life.

Sometimes stepping away is the best thing. Sometimes you need a break.

At work I lost things at my desk. Things about integrity. Things about being kind to each other. That's who I am and you never know if there may be an impact on someone reading.

We do see life through a different lens.

Just understand your truth. That's the only thing we can control.

[Saltwater in reply to Dolphin14]

Yes, that is true. We have to stay true to ourselves.

To protect my family, I have had to keep people at arms length. My partner and my kids are the ones who have suffered the most because of my pain. It is them who have seen me broken at the hands of addiction and self harm and it is for them who I keep the fight. I owe it to them to protect myself from those that seek to bring me down because in order to get over my issues, I have had to start thinking about myself and put my needs first, even if that goes against my nature.

You are right. We do not do things for reciprocation, but it is human to want someone to acknowledge your existence, not with flowers and gifts, but with time.

As they say, 'there will always be others who don't recognise your worth, don't let it be you'.

I have read that people who don't see their own worth always choose to be around others who don't see it either. Like me, and Jewelmoon17, they constantly try to change people and are constantly disappointed. We want to see the best in people and continue to look for kindness where there is none. We want to think everyone is driven by the same things we are but they aren't. What people don't get is that we aren't actually looking for anything material back. We don't want rewards or acknowledgement for what we do. What we actually want to see is a reflection of ourselves in others. We are looking for people who are the same as we are, who have the same common values and beliefs. It is the rejection of our acts of kindness that hurts the spirit because it is the spirit that is looking for that connection.

What's important is that you don't see yourself through the eyes of those who don't appreciate you. Let your character be one that defines you and sets you apart from your circumstances.

[Dolphin14 in reply to Saltwater]

I agree.

I grew up in a home of emotional neglect.

I never saw my worth in any ones eyes. So my history dictates a portion of my life.

[Saltwater in reply to Dolphin14]

I can see how that would have hurt you. I am so sorry that you had to endure that. When people neglect our emotions, there is no reflection of us. No mirror. No validation. We feel invisible and struggle with our own sense of self.

Dolphin14, you should know that you are an amazingly warm human being and you brighten my day every time you visit this forum. Your words bring people comfort, peace and understanding.

I admire your ability to rise above the negativity.

You are not defined by the past, so long as you live in the present.

xx

[Dolphin14 in reply to Saltwater]

Thank you so much for your kind words. Tears come to my eyes as I am continuing to look for my worth.

My question is where is my worth when I couldn't handle any more pain and had a collapse?

I am rising above. My hope for everyone here is that we all make it. It's such hard work. On the days we feel so defeated we don't feel we can move forward, we have to push.

I wish peace and happiness for all of us as we struggle.

Thank you💕. You are very kind.

[hypercat54 in reply to Saltwater]

Great reply. x

[hypercat54]

I completely agree with Dolphin. One thing I have learned in life is that we cannot control other peoples behaviour, only our own, and it is only our responsibility to take care our own feelings and lives, not others. This might sound selfish but if we attend to our own needs and stop trying to direct our love and towards others instead then we are happier and consequently those who love us are too. Once we deal with our own needs then anything we have to spare can be used to try and help other people. In other words stop being a 'people pleaser' and put your needs at the top of the pile.

Then don't expect that people will return your care, but hope instead. I too have found that many equate nice with weak so don't forget your boundaries. x

[Dolphin14 in reply to hypercat54]

[Saltwater in reply to hypercat54]

You are right. In the past, I have made myself and my family miserable because of other people. They have suffered because I have suffered. I have learned that in order to get well, I have to put myself first. In doing this, I also put my family first. My partner says, 'when you are happy, everyone is happy and when you're not, it all falls apart.' and it is true. I have brought others down because of my emotions and need to learn to stop knocking on doors that no one answers. I learn that I can't change people. I can only change me and trying to change others is self defeating because you can't do this for them. They have to do it for themselves.

Now, I just stick at being me. I don't try to make others behave the way I do. If you have to do that, then it is empty anyway.

I do all the things that make me happy like giving and being generous, but I do it with those that need it most. It's up to us to make ourselves happy. Happiness comes from within and you can give happiness but you can't make them give it back.

[LilyAnnepuppy]

No matter how much I try to not have expectations, I fail. I have managed to have less, and to take responsibility for the ones I have. But are we ever to be free of having any?

One of the questions I ask myself when I am honest about what I think I want another person to do. And that is, "Expect them to do what?"

Sometimes (often) my answers are ludicrous. "That person should hold the door open for me." "She should keep my confidence." "He should say thank you." "They should pay back the money they borrowed."

All of these expectations can appear justified in my rulebook. And I probably could get a gazillion people to agree with me. But I haven't figured out yet just how to get people to do what I want. Hence my disappointment.

So I just keep bumbling along trying to be the best rule follower I can be. Knowing that I'm not meeting everyone's expectations either.

[Saltwater in reply to LilyAnnepuppy]

I suppose we have to have realistic expectations in the first place. All mine are pretty basic and what you would expect is a given really but for my family, it is still asking far too much.

I have not even had a birthday wish in years from them or so much as a kind message. I have been ill in hospital and still, nothing. No message.

They tell me if I were on Facebook, then it would be easier to keep in touch! I am practically on the next street! How easy do they want it!

They put things out on FB all the time but these are for others to see and think they are great and caring people but in reality all they can do is click a 'like' button. It is too much work to send a regular text or heaven forbid, come knock on my door. Apparently, they don't come down my way unless they want something from me.

I also follow the rules and try to be the best person I can be, but it is such a one way street and I think when it is hurting you, you have to set some boundaries as Hypercat54 said.

There is a difference between being you and being used.

[LilyAnnepuppy in reply to Saltwater]

I agree. I don't follow rules as much as try my best to live up to my standards for me. Then I can respect myself and not be as much at the mercy of what others are doing to, or for, me. I set my boundaries strong with most everyone. But family (and close friends) are the hardest.

I'm sorry your people aren't there for you. I moved away from my hometown and my brother has not once been for a visit. I've made the trip up there, but the effort has not been reciprocated.

I understand the feeling of being slighted.

[fauxartist]

I was once told to not put any expectations on people or events. That way I wouldn't get disappointed. And when good things happened, I could just enjoy them, and when things didn't work out...I could just accept them. Easier said than done, but at the time they were wise words for me....it helped me let go of things and people that didn't really matter and to not set myself up for failure. It allows for hope.

[Hidden]

Thank you all so much!

[Sabio77]

jewelmoon17, I agree. there are some people who simply are takers. there is truth in the saying, hurt people hurt other people only so they can try to justify their own hurts and confusion. try to focus on positivity - music, fresh air, a good positive book, look for activities that you like to do. then, there should be people of similar interests to talk to. believe in yourself. hugs of encouragement.

[Hidden in reply to Sabio77]

Thank you Sabio77. A lesson learned for me again for this experience. I believe in that. They hide their own emotions by inflicting them on other people. Some even want others to suffer as they do.

Will do so. Especially Christmas season's here. There's so many positive good vibes out of my workplace.

[Sabio77]

yes my dear friend, surround yourself with those positive people, places, and things to do. the more you focus on positivity, the more you attract it like a magnet. and... try to build on your talents/hobbies.. as you do that as well... you will find the right people and going to the right places. soon, you will not give precedence to their energies any longer. it wont matter. a person who is a bully or hurt and acts out, they will continue to do so to those whoever it maybe as long as they get attention and they listen to their junk. so save yourself, surround your environment with greatness. soon enough, they will be wondering what changed you and possible try to find out your key to your "JOY". lol

[Marshall64 in reply to Sabio77]

Very well said.

[Sabio77 in reply to Marshall64]

thank you

[Marshall64]

I am a full time single dad of a 14 year old girl (mom is not in picture). My daughter has the typical drama of a girl her age although I also find that some girls that age can be really mean. I have been telling her some of the things that have been said here like what Hypercat was saying about how we can't control other people in what they say or do. She has a core of some good character friends and I keep telling her that those are the people she should be surrounding herself with like Sabio77 said.

Having said all that, it is not always easy for me . My mind will ruminate over some people's negative behavior because I just don't understand it. Some people at work are backstabbers where I (although not perfect) will try to help others and avoid talking bad of others.

[Hidden in reply to Marshall64]

Yeah. Backstabbers are very common in my workplace. Your are very kind Marshall64 to still help others. Sometimes no matter how rude and wrong the deed was done, your conscience will still nag at you to still help that person. Well it makes you more humane. And you can say to yourself that you are never going to be like them.

And yeah, most of the people who have bad attitude in my workplace are those that are younger than me and women who likes nothing but gossip and look down on me.

Though i try to ignore them from time to time. My happiness and my love for my work is what matters.

[Marshall64 in reply to Hidden]

There were two guys around 60 years old that I sat next to and I heard all day how nobody was as good as them and they were nice to people (especially the bosses) in person and then rip them apart as soon as the person walked away. They were constantly in everyone's business. I'm too busy for my own stuff; I wouldn't even have time to get into other people's business.

[Hidden in reply to Marshall64]

Yeah it's better that way.

[NeuronerdDoaty]

Read some Buddhist stuff. That’s the definition of unhappiness.