This AGAIN?

[nicetry]

Hi everyone. Once again I awoke this morning and started crying. I cried until about 11am, stopping once when my boss called. Then showered (crying the whole time), took meds, and .... full stop. Sitting, looking at it pouring rain outside. Tried journaling but I can’t seem to write. Tomorrow i have pre-admission testing at the hospital where I’ll start getting ECT next week. I’m anxious as hell about the pre-admission tests. Have to go to work in a couple hours. Gotta stop.

[Cmarie12]

You poor thing, I definitely feel your sorrow. You said that your boss is also your friend and I know you don't want to tell her everything about your situation. You just don't sound like you're coping very well.

With the preparation for the ECT starting next week, I wish you would reconsider talking to your boss. With the amount you're crying, she must know you are not well. There is no shame in your mental illness. The fact that you have a job must mean that you have stretches of mental wellness. The stress and anxiety that you feel every morning is probably because it's getting more difficult to put on your happy face and pretend that your not suffering.

Your pre-op is probably just blood pressure, maybe blood work and just basic instructions for next week. Unless it's different for ECT than surgery. It shouldn't take long to get thru it.

I know that what your feeling is something that I've gone thru so many times. The guilt I felt about having to take more time off was devastating to my self esteem. Now looking back I wish that I had spoken up and had been my own advocate for my mental health. Instead I was labeled with habitually calling in sick and ending up with that reputation. It was even worse when I went back to work and got all those disapproving looks, asking me if my migraine was gone...another lie i told to cover the fact that I couldn't get out of bed, that I knew I couldn't cope that day.

It still makes me incredibly sad to have had to lie for so many years just because my condition was a mental not physical illness.

My apologies for going off on a rant. It's just a trigger that has kept me out of the work force for the last 3 years as I'm so scared of letting another employer down...which is a real shame.

I hope the week goes by quickly for you and that you have much success with ECT.

Hugs,

Marie

[nicetry in reply to Cmarie12]

Thank you Marie. I’m still considering what to tell my boss & am leaning toward just telling her — she may be able to tell I’m “lying” anyway.

And thank you too NWGal. I’m not sure why I’m so nervous, bc I had gynecological surgery about a year ago & what you described was pretty much the entire pre-op testing. Maybe it’s just that this is for ECT and that part is making me feel anxious.

[NWGal]

You having nothing to worry about as far as the pre-admission tests go. They might take some blood and then the usual routine like when you get your blood pressure taken, etc. when you see your PCP. The nurse will ask you a bunch of benign questions about your health. It's perfectly normal to have anxiety prior to an uncertain event like ECT. When I was on the gurney prior to a hip replacement I burst out crying and they gave me a sedative. It all worked out fine! Sending good karma my friend!

[Avidreader9559]

I am so sorry that you are experiencing such anxiety. NWGal gave lots of good information. I hope everything went well for you and your anxiety has lessened. Hugs.