Hello friends. I’ve hit the ultimate low. I’m on my Bathroom floor in fetal position crying hysterically, screaming, grunting and throwing things. My dad died last year and I put away the grief but slowly the depression has gotten worse and meds have stopped working. I saw my therapist today and he briefly brought up my dad and I quickly shut him down. But it left me thinking how I chose to put him away because the pain of his absence is too great. That therapy session threw me for a loop of grief and memories that I did not want to conjure up.
My depression doesn’t let me get dressed in the morning nor care for my 5 yr old. I am missing out on everything. I only do the bare minimum to survive my day. I feel physically ill. I used to do yoga, dance with my daughter, crochet and be the best doctor in my field. All that has been flushed down the toilet. I’m lucky if I can push myself out of bed without crying or hyperventilating so I can drive myself to work.
I am on the floor drinking whiskey with half and ambien and a klonipin. I don’t want to die but I do want to mentally numb my pain. I want to be on pure oblivion till tomorrow.
I have no one to talk to right now.
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enya621
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I have to ask if you think your actions are actually going to help you. grief is a natural response and you can't just 'put it away'.. Until you face it and let it out, you can't get on with your life.
When my dad died, I nearly grieved myself to death. he was the only member of my adoptive family that treated me decently. But, eventually I had to face the fact that he was gone and somehow I had to move on with my life anyway. I recovered from it, although a part of me will grieve forever.
What I learned was that ignoring my grief and/or trying to bottle it up was really, really harming me, physically and mentally. It's why you are where you are.
You need to do something active. I suggest first that you get dressed and take a walk outside. Look at the sky, the trees, the plants and grass.....Marvel at the awesome being who put those things there.
As soon as it's daylight, find some sun and soak in it for awhile. It's warmth will put some life back into you.
You are a unique person. There is only 1 of you in 7 billion people on this planet. That makes you worth far more than the most rare jewel in existence.
Don't waste this precious gift of life God gave you. Use it for something good. Find others to help or a hobby or something that makes you excited. But, you have to get off the floor and get moving.
Taking that first step is the hardest thing to do sometimes. But, you will find that the second step is easier, the third step even easier and so on....Pretty soon you'll be busy, happy and satisfied in life once again.
Get rid of the alcohol, only take your meds as prescribed, get some food in you and rejoin the human race. Your family here on H/U is waiting to help you with open arms. Okay?
Thank you. I will try to walk outside right now. But I made myself doped on the ambien alcohol combo. Just really feel like sleeping it off and praying for a better day tomorrow. I’m so angry at the universe for taking my father and pushing me into this downward spiral. Everything else in my life is great. Good husband and happy kid, successful in my career (when I have the strength to show it ). Yet I can’t enjoy any of. It. My sadness consumes me. I am sucked of energy and motivation every morning. Maybe it’s a matter of finding the right antidepressant to at least anchor myself. I don’t know.
If I wasn’t so horrified by death, I probably would have taken my life already. But the fear of the unknown realms of dying and leaving my daughter and husband behind is enough to keep me grounded. As much as I just want to disappear sometimes.
Whoa, you're a doctor and you're also drowning your pain with alcohol, ambien, and Klonopin? I think you wrote that because you knew it was a bad idea and wanted someone to say so. Anyhow, your access to drugs is hurting you and you need to be very, very careful. Please stop mixing alcohol with prescription drugs. Please take the drugs as prescribed by someone other than you. Otherwise you could go down a long, painful, miserable road you need not travel.
I'm sorry for your loss, sorry for how much it hurts you. I would bring him back if I could. Do you think your therapist is a good fit for you? And when will you be able to talk to him about your loss? Possibly letting him know when you'll be ready, or try to be ready, may ease the pressure you feel now. Have you gone to any grief counseling classes or meetings? You know you need help dealing with this loss, right? You can go forward, stall, or go backward with this issue. Which will you choose? If you stall, it will only be temporary and then you will begin to slip backwards unless you are very determined to make forward steps.
I'm here, I can support you, others here can do the same, but it's not enough for your issues. I'm so glad you have made the positive move to see a therapist. What else will you do? Hospice and churches have group counseling for grief, I've been to the Hospice classes and they were helpful. You can go more than once, see a different or the same therapist if desired. No one makes you talk if you don't want to.
These are possibilities for when you are ready or simply think you should go whether you feel ready or not. Please listen to JEG325's suggestions for getting up and active for today. You need to do some of these helpful suggestions. Trust me. I've been very low myself.
Your a doctor ... no wonder .. I feel like they go through so much and see a lot. Sounds like a tough job. My heart goes out to you. I’m def not a doctor but if you ask me I think you know what to do. You been through a lot already. Just reading from what you wrote sounds like u lived/live a healthy lifestyle, have a family and a career. Most can only dream of. I know I may be young and dumb but I think sometimes u just gotta keep pushing yourself. Find a balance between work and life. Just look at yourself be like “I’m a bad beech,” and not give up. I don’t know if any of this makes sense but don’t give up.
Hi there the loss of a loved one is hard to take I lost my mother 3 years ago I to struggled with my grief! I seen a grief Councillor who was great and the best piece of advice she gave me was to look back at the good memories of which were many! Have you considered grief councilling it might help you as well look back at the good times you had! I wish you all the best take care david 🙏
Try to find reason to live, for instance think at your son. Looking from outside is difficult for someone to understand your pain, only those who passed the same situation can understood you. Anyway, the solution should come from you, take the life as it is, trying to find small pieces of enjoy: a flower, a song, a dog, helping others.
I was thinking maybe ask your doctor to switch to paroxetine ( known also by paxil) and short term benzo. Paroxetine is successful when other ssri aren't. Now , you probably know this better than me but you can't be on alcohol and pills. So I would stop drinking and give it a shot on paroxetine and benzo. Of course you need to talk with your doctor ( a psychiatrist would be better) . After that and if you are prescribed antidepressant and benzo, I would do also therapy including CBT . Last research have shown that the combination meds+ CBT + exercise ( moderate then gradually vigorous) are the most effective into recovery. PS: stopping drinking is your first step because alcohol is a depressant. In other words it will make you more depressed and the hangover will show you that.
Organise yourself. 1) stop drinking 2) ask for antidepressant+benzo ( if the antidepressant doesn't do anything consider paroxetine/paxil, 3) therapy CBT+talk therapy ( you need to talk about your father, etc) and plenty of exercise ( walking, running, cycling on your spare time).
They would lock her up. Medication and alcohol? The police aren't mental health professionals. Calling an ambulance or uber to a hospital. But call 911 on herself?
Do you know how many police take mentally I'll to a holding cell. She has a kid, CPS would get involved. I know you mean well but let's not add to her problems.
Life sucks. I’m sorry to hear about everything you are going through and for your loss... I been there where u can even get out of bed. Sometimes u just have to go through the motions. The grieving process. It’s okay to cry. I personally think meds made me worst but everyone is different so do what’s best for you. Staying busy helped me and relaxing when I needed to as well. Sometimes u just have to find a balance. Just don’t give up . Keep pushing .
I’m so sorry for your loss, I also lost my dad and I fo know your trying to block Odin but this us also blocking your life with your daughter, your dad may not be with you but he may watch over you and would love to see you with his grand daughter doing yoga and all the fun mommy daughter things she needs from her mom. This isn’t healthy, maybe try another counselor or ok pastor, but get out there and do it for your little girl. Your dad would want this for you . God Bless and be strong ❤️
I really feel for you and know what it is to be in that sort of pain. You have a very stressful responsible job and no doubt that has added to your stress. I also have one daughter and I am so grateful that I did not become ill with GAD until after she was grown up and I had retired from my role as a social work manager which was very stressful and demanding.
I have now lost both my parents and do not feel I have grieved properly for them.
Do feel free to message me anytime you feel you need someone to talk to who will just listen, empathise with you and not judge.
My heart goes out to you and I really hope things start to improve.
I am so sorry for your loss. The pain is something there are no words for.
Have you tried writing a letter to your Dad? Telling him how much you miss him? Sharing memories with him? Telling him about the pain you are having now?
You need to get some rest. Let the medication and the alcohol come out of your system.
Let those tears flow. Let the anger of the loss out. Don't keep anything in. I am near the ocean. I went to the ocean and threw rocks in the water. I threw them hard and fast and cried my eyes out, Not sure if that's an option for you.
Look up your local VNA team. Call and see what hospice grief services they have. Check where you work, Mayb they have a grief support group. I've been through many and they are very helpful.
Continue with your therapy.
My heart breaks for you. I know this pain so well. I've had many back to back losses.
It becomes so difficult to get through a day.
The feelings are so overwhelming.
We are lucky to have Bob Jenson on the site who writes a lot of supportive things about grief. Mayb you can PM him for help.
I think their is also a grief site on here. Just double check that, I thought I read it somewhere.
Again, I'm so sorry for the deep pain you are suffering. Grief is not linear as you know. It's a rollercoaster ride of emotions that's very painful and difficult to go through. My thoughts are with you during this time.
Visit a local AA meeting and find a person whom you can relate to and request them to walk you through the 12 steps. I am sorry that you lost your dad but your dad would want you to be strong and live a peaceful and joyous life.
This too shall pass and your father is where he is supposed to be happy and wanting you to live your life. We all have to go one day who knows could be today or tomorrow. Grieve its okay. But not with alcohol. Your daughter and husband need you they are here for you. It will take time and maybe one day you can talk about your dad..God sees and hears you, talk to him.It will be okay🙏
I'm sorry that you are hurting. Know that you have been heard by all of us who read your post, not just those who replied. Many have read it (I receive a daily digest and saw it a few hours ago). You already know what to do. Only you can decide whether you are going to take the steps to make your life easier (not easy) and to raise your child. A small step (a glass of water, a walk to the end of the block, not drinking, etc.). You are intelligent: exercise will help you, good nutrition will help you, not lying on the bathroom floor will help you). I have had depression on and off for about 30 years so I know, too. Keep writing here, if it helps. Take one step. You say you're going to work so that's a good thing. You wrote, "I only do the bare minimum to survive my day," so we know you are making it through the day and surviving. Take "only" out of that. You're doing it. Keep doing it. You and I both know sometimes that does not even happen so you're doing better than you feel. Our thoughts are with you.
This is my first response since joining but your message really spoke to me. Firstly, I'm so sorry for your loss. I lost my mom 2 years ago after spending 10 months caring for her as her wish was to die at home.
The thing that really got me thru the lead up to mom's death and grieving afterwards was with my therapist. I found talking about my relationship a real comfort. There are so many stages to grief that are necessary to enable coming out the other side healthy and happy, with some beautiful memories of your dad that you can eventually share out loud. 😉
I would allow myself a couple days to sleep off the alcohol and drugs and cry all I want, but first I would call my therapist and make an appointment I bet your dad would encourage you to get up off that bathroom floor.
Sometimes making a list is a good way to start; shower, dress, make coffee and so on...if you need to cry, cry but get thru your list. Anyway, I'm sending you hugs and positivity to help get yourself up off that floor. Remember, you are not alone. You can do this!
i totally understand i have been in the same exact place and it does not feel very good to be there, my dad also died and when people brought him up i often would shut down to and feel like i was like a zombie barley making my way through the day stay strong lots of people are here to help!!!
I know it sounds strange, but I think you had a good therapy session. When you shut down your therapist, you did so because your mind wasn't willing to go there. Your heart on the other hand, knows it needs to in order to heal. Don't numb the pain with alcohol. Ask yourself why it hurts so much. Allow yourself to remember how much you loved him. Take it one moment at a time and just breath. Talk to your therapist about this. You need to understand these feelings in order to work through them. You can do this. Just take it one breath at a time.
Enya621. I am so sorry! Try and embrace the fact that your dad would want you to have a beautiful life! Joy! Peace! NO GOOD parent EVER wants their child overwhelmed or sad!!!!! EVER!
You can do this!!!! Ask for support! The grief group is a must as far as most of us here can tell by your coping issues right now. You will get better!!! Just need a little love and support.
PS what kind of Dr are you? Perhaps there are resources for you through your profession.
Hello envy. I totally understand what you are going through I am too a healthcare professional. Nurse. I lose my mom several yrs ago with 2 babies at home. It can be overwhelming. I too pushed back grief but also let it out on family too. Being a dr means you care for others and don’t take time for yourself. Also being a mom and wife. All the while losing your one person that probably made the world a safe place. All you have known. It’s so hard. Time does heal. You always remember. And it’s an emptiness no one can fill.
I wish I lived close to you...you need someone who understands and facilitates your daily functions/activities. I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm surr your father would not want his death to effect you like this. Be very careful with Ambien and any benzodiazepine. I want you to strongly consider ECT. I've had many after medication and therapy alone were insufficient.
Hello I'm just reading your post. I totally understand. I feel like that most days. I know that Jesus paid it all for me. Most of what people are replying to you is true. You have to reach deep and just force yourself to dance with your daughter. You have to do what is best for you and just do it like Nike says. I'm here as a support.
Oh Enya, my heart breaks for you. I know what it's like to lose your Dad. I was very close to my Daddy too and he passed away from complications of several strokes that he's had. Such a strong man shriveled down to nothing. I miss him so much and wish he was here. He was my rock growing up with an abusive mother. I have a questions for you... Did your dad have a cell phone? My guess is, probably. I ask because I read about a someone who lost and missed their father and couldn't handle the loss, so she would text her Dad every day telling him about her day and thoughts about many things. She sent them to him just as if he were on the other end still. She did this for about a year and it helped her in her grieving process. I don't know that it will help you but at this point anything is worth a try to get you off that floor and out of that bathroom. Your daughter needs you to be there for her. On days, probably all days, you think you can't take one more step, tell your Dad how you're feeling. Send the texts and talk to him. Hitting the "SEND" button gives it to him psychologically where if you wrote in a journal or letters they're still sitting there staring you in the face. Please let me know if it works for you. I will keep you in my prayers. 🙏😉
Mysticfawn, my childhood was like yours, and when my dad died, I cut my mother a bit of slack, but she never grieved, she just went back to being emotionally abusive and a manipulative narcissist. She expected me to step into my dad's role and do all the hard stuff for her. Eventually, when she was 95, I saved my sanity by putting her in a care facility. She is still alive, 97 years old, and I visit as infrequently as I can. Actual doctor's orders.
Your tip about the cell phone is a good one! I journaled, since all this happened before texting existed, and journaling did help, but I can see how hitting the 'send' button would be an added positive.
Hello, I m sorry for your grief. I was thinking though while reading about your loss how lucky you are for having experienced such a loving bond with your father. I think many of us have not been so lucky. My father was beating me and my brother, out of his ignorance of course, that was all he knew from his parents. You can cherish these memories. You will always have them, they are yours for ever, as long as you keep them in your heart. And you ve got so much to live for. Your child first of all who needs you. How would your father want you to live without him? Would he not want you to continue living and be well? You will meet your father again when time comes. Death does not stop our soul or consciousness from existing. What if we have more lives? But for now you are with the living who need you. I used to suffer from depression and social anxiety. Changing my diet got me out of depression in less than a week and meditation saved me from social anxiety and helped me become more peaceful. I suggest downloading for free the Budhist book " how to transform your life". It shows you the path to a happier life and how to meditate. Also the book by Kelly Brogan, MD, she s an alternative psychiatrist and tells you which diet and natural supplements can really change the way we think and feel on her book "a mind of your own". You are a doctor and you may feel like you already know everything there is about health, but there might be a view you haven t considered. And this could be the missing key. Hang on there. Wish you courage and inner strength which you ve got already.
Hello, Enya, I lost my father, too. He was the only real parent I had, and was my protector until my husband entered my life. I cried my eyes out at the funeral, because my mother was smiling and singing hymns, showing everyone how she was a 'true christian', and was joyous that he was in heaven. I just wanted my father back.
I grieved openly throughout the days that followed, because I knew that keeping it in didn't help. Ten years previous, I lost my husband, who was my rock through breast cancer treatment. I survived, went into remission, then he was diagnosed with a terminal illness. After a year and a half of misery, he died.
I tried to be strong, it's what he wanted me to be, but eventually I broke down and crawled into a bottle for about two years. Drinking turned off my emotional blocking mechanism, and I could grieve. And yes, sometimes I mixed in alprazolam. But I grieved until much of that grief was out.
I had to limit my grieving, eventually, since I had to work, and so I sequestered certain days, anniversaries and birthdays, to stay home for a day to grieve. I started to celebrate the Mexican holiday of Dia de los Muertos, where people have a party for their dead relatives. And on anniversaries - my husband's, and later, my father's - I would light a candle, gather a small shrine of their possessions, photos and favorite foods, and talk to them as if they were in the room. It went from pure grief to, eventually, almost a positive bonding experience. Over time, it helped.
I still struggle with depression and c-ptsd, but, by golly, I know how to grieve. Sometimes you have to throw things and break stuff. Don't beat yourself up for these times. I think there is a chemical change when we cry, and it is a good thing.
I wish the best for you. Someday, you will be able to remember your father and it won't hurt.
Take care of yourself, and hug your child and husband every day.
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