First Post

[Ellie0509]

Hey so this is my first post on here, and I came here because I feel like talking with my friends about this will just burden them, and I can't really talk about this to my parents.

Since I was very, very young (3), I always remember being suicidal, to the point which in every house we moved to I would have 3 different ways to kill myself if the moment justified it. I know its not healthy, but I have been dealing with it well overall, I never harmed myself physically intentionally.

I was also bullied since a very young age, physically since nursery, and verbally/emotionally since the 3rd to the 6th grade, and I would be lying if I were to say it doesn't affect me even now, almost ten years later. Very recently, it has been surfacing more than ever.

I always identified as a straight girl, yet in the last 8 months, I have basically fallen in love with my best friend, who happens to be a female. She got a boyfriend very recently and flip, heartbreak sucks. In addition to all that, I have been dealing with severe depression since the beginning of high school. I am not the type of person you would think would deal with this issue. In public, I ALWAYS smile, no matter what. I am always happy, and I crack jokes, and I am surrounded by friends and people who are supposed to love me. I am among the top 3% of my school, I lead multiple clubs, manage dozens of people, and rank internationally in debate.

I am not saying this to brag in any way, in fact quite the opposite. No one knows me for myself. That is all they see, never me, never the person I actually am. I guess I am partially to blame, it is very difficult for me to let people in (that is where the bullying scars express themselves). I let my best friend in, and all that lead to now is more heartbreak, more depression.

Lately it has been getting very bad, to the point I can't function and cry every day. In my family having a mental illness is equal to being weak, and stupid. I can't ask for help from anyone. Idk, if any of you have any tips, please let me know

[Aejia]

I’m also new to this type of forum, so I don’t have any sage advice. I can definitely see how years of bullying resulted in you putting up walls. Is there anyone outside your immediate family you can talk to, like a cousin, aunt, etc? School counselor? Do you have a family doctor? I’m sorry you were subjected to cruel behavior at such an early age.

[Ellie0509 in reply to Aejia]

Hey Aejia, I unfortunately do not but thank you, and yeah, bullying kinda sucks, I truly wish no one else would ever have to go through it