July Life Update (warning, part of this might bring people down so skip what I suggest if you need to)

[faulhallen]

First off I’m sorry if this seems to jump around in tone as I’ve written it in bits and pieces where I could. As I mentioned the other day I’m as ok as I can be.

I see my doctor Monday. I have the Zoloft plenty of time to even out but I’m not doing nearly as well on it as I did the Vibryd my new insurance refuses to cover. Being a newer drug I can’t afford it out of pocket. I’ve looked at what my insurance does cover and I’m going to ask to try Paxil as it’s the only thing covered I haven’t tried.

I could be a lot worse. Zoloft does help keep me from getting so bad that I want to hurt myself, but I am so fatigued and numb. It feels like all of my positive emotions are stunted leading me to be more irritable when I’m tired which is all the time. It also makes any social interaction feel draining. I return messages slower than I would if I was doing better and I’ve practically stopped checking this site for posts even though it was once such a comfort to me. Hopefully this changes soon.

As far as life goes I’m pretty much where I was the last time I shared. I went back and forth on where I was willing to live, how much I could afford and all sorts of things. I even fell in love with the idea of buying a house instead of renting which would have only taken a couple of months of saving to get the down payment for and might have been cheaper than renting in all honesty based on where I live and my willingness to fix up a place... but then my 13 year old car started leaking, it’s battery was dying, and a belt was dry rotted. Instead of paying over $600 to keep it running I bought a new car last weekend. A car I’ve barely driven personally but has 275 miles on it because my ex claims it is impossible to find someone willing to watch my son that we can afford who can actually change his diaper. She could take him but her “12 hour shifts” have her leaving at 6 and getting back around 10pm. This might irritate me less if I believed a single word she said anymore.

I’m beyond sick of her and her bs. I realize that a large part of it is my being tired and irritable but she seems incapable of talking to me without making me mad. Either her tone is awful, it’s about money or stuff she expects me to do for her or more likely, both. She’s still trying to dictate my life to the point where she will say stuff like “when you move out we should...” and my first thought is I know just where she can shove any words that might follow.

I actually get song with her evil racist mother better than I do her anymore. 😳. As long as I pay the bills, try and stay calm and pick a project and work on it regularly she’s perfectly fine with me. She too makes it unbearable to live here and not just because she’s evil and racist, but because she too tries to control and manipulate me. She has recently reinstated a curfew saying nobody should be getting home after 2 am which feels like an absurd thing to say to a 34 year old man. She claims the neighbors might call the cops on us, or get used to us getting in around 3 and not call if someone is breaking in. She always makes these comments like she’s trying to help but just seems to scream “I want you to be indecisive so you stay here longer.”

She’s also dying now. Not like going to die next week dying, but has worsening COPD and was just diagnosed with heart failure kind of dying. The kind of dying that means she’ll only become worse and more miserable over time until she finally passes. The kind of miserable people take out on those around them.

I worry about my daughter. I know she’s 8 and like all kids go through phases but I think she’s blocking out the world. She seems incapable of going without looking at a screen for very long. My ex blames me because I’m “always on my phone” because I watch Netflix while doing certain chores. She’s sensitive and I would love it if I could find a place I can afford with a second bedroom, even if she’s not going to sleep in it very much. I want her to have a place she feels safe. That’s hers and hers alone. One that isn’t overflowing with stuff to the point she can’t actually use it.

We’ll see though I guess. I need to decide on stairs. The issue that has plagued me for over a year. Can I afford to live in the newer places that don’t have stairs? That in my area are either income restricted or so unreasonably priced I can’t imagine why people live there. Even if I can afford them, can I wait that long? The answer is becoming a more clear NO to the waiting every week. Maybe it’s the Zoloft, maybe it’s all the crap I’m tired of. My life being on hold while I sit here day after day and put up with people’s be.

If you’re feeling particularly sensitive to depressing thoughts I would recommend skipping these next 2 paragraphs. I’ll leave a gap below them to make it easier to skip.

My son is having issues. It scares me even more with the thought of the stairs. His spine is so badly curved now that they want to perform back surgery, likely on Halloween. If my apartment has stairs that means I can only see him by going to my ex’s during that time, and I’m likely going to be using up most of my paid time off during that month and a half.

On top of that, he’s having issues at night. We noticed it this last time he had pneumonia. It seems like he’ll stop breathing at night for a while, or even if he doesn’t his oxygen will randomly plummet to dangerous levels. There have been a couple nights his heart rate has even dipped as well. Not to frightening levels but enough to make his monitor freak out. Most likely it’s just sleep apnea. Apparently he’s developed rather large tonsils. The first step after a sleep study will be to remove them if it’s some form of blockage based apnea..... but if it’s neurological then that’s a bad sign.... it means his condition is getting worse. Like how he was fine eating for years and then began aspirating more and more... if it’s neurological there isn’t much we can do... it’ll reach the point where we only have 2 real options.... place a trach so that he can be attached to a respirator for the rest of his life.... or just.... let him go... I realize how silly it is to occasionally get held up on the thought of this when he hasn’t had the sleep study yet but when you’ve spent 11 years waiting for your child to die on you it’s hard not to think about it.... at least he’s hopefully had a good life...

I’m coming back to this the day after starting it and I can’t remember what else I was going to say. Instead of putting it off I’m going to go ahead and post it as is.

I hope everyone is doing well. Things could always be worse. I had a super awkward moment last night but that’s more about my personal life than I feel like going into right now. Have a great weekend everyone!

[Almond88]

Give yourself a pat on the back for still functioning despite your huge challenges, especially to do with your children. I find knowing my triggers and creating boundaries, even taking regular time away from those triggers by doing things that uplift me, really helps. Coda support groups have helped me a great deal as well to cope with interfering family members. I never knew how to draw and stick to boundaries... I never knew how to do kind uplifting things for myself. Everyone would manipulate me and I would also manipulate... It was not healthy. I still have a long way to go but I've come so so far. I hope you can carve out your own little oasis for yourself amongst the chaos where you can relax and rejuvenate. This will have an amazing impact on your daughter too...

[pasoapaso]

Hey, I read your whole post and just wanted you to know that someone is here, and listening. The things you're dealing with sound incredibly challenging. I'm wondering if you have any options for external support, such as a social worker/case manager who could help with some of these logistical things. It sounds like you're really in need of support but meanwhile are having to do a lot else while you struggle as well. And yes, the house you're in sounds toxic and burdensome. It does sound like your ex and her mother are trying to control you. I hope you're able to get out soon.

But no matter what, just know that you're not alone in your struggle. I think it's really hard when we don't get the help we need, even when we know of something that helps and are doing our best to utilize it, like you talk about with the medication. I'm going through something similar right now. We don't have the best support system for mental illness, and our health system, including medication, makes it even more challenging. You are doing really good work, with all you're having to deal with and all the efforts you're making to make it better. Truly; I am very impressed. Please know how heroic you are for fighting this fight and trying to make a better life for your kids.