It could've been worse, but I now I see how anger can burn everything that you have worked for in a heartbeat. My destructive addictive behavior was almost gone for good. I found people to call friends and I found God where he wasn't suppose to be. Those two things made me feel whole again. They were my beacon of light. Truth be told I felt too alive. I wasn't used to this much love. All my life I have only known pain and frustration. Embracing something you never had can be kind of scary. Maybe that's where I messed up. I didn't want to embrace the new.
Lately things hadn't been working out for me. I set my expectations too high. I became desperate and reckless. I became tired of how everyone saw me like some kind of saint. I became tired of giving and never receiving. Whatever happened to the gift is in the giving? In my eyes I was the hero, but reality is I was far from that. The lies I made myself believe got the better of me. I began to undo the progress I made & I began to let down those who cared about me. I began to fantasize about sharing my pain with others. I didn't want to be no one's hero. I just wanted to be alone, but I was afraid to be alone.
In the midst of my anger I foresaw where I would be if I continued walking this road. I would have nothing left. I made some dumb decisions for the lack of better words. Where I was standing and where I was suppose to be standing were two completely different things. I looked at someone who once believed in me, but she didn't do the same. She just walked away in shame without ever saying anything. The silence was loud without a doubt, and it spoke all that was to be spoken. Once a close friend, now she was just another stranger. This was all because of me.
I realized then that I didn't want to carry on this isolated road. I had too much to live for and many depended on me. Whatever came next I didn't wanted to do it by myself anymore. In the midst of the storm I saw everything that should've been and could've still be. I picked up my sword and shield and walked back into the unknown.
I embrace this new life and all the enemies that come with it. I accept who God intends me to be even if it means putting a bullseye on my chest . This is war. And there is no turning back. The only pain that I accept is the pain that comes from a life worth dying for.
Can I ever be myself/normal again?
What do you do with your anger?
They don't call it an eating disorder, but I am afraid I will starve to death
