I had an attack and I'm alone

[ekawhite]

I had a massive attack Sunday and I haven't told my wife. I can't tell her. She doesn't understand and I've already decided that she can't help me.

My chest was tight and there was like a sore feeling. I couldn't regulate my breathing. I couldn't calm down. It felt like the bathroom walls were closing in on me. I just wanted everything to shut off and just stop. At one point I found myself clawing at my chest through my shirt. I was able to make it outside and breathe.

I can't tell my wife. She won't understand. I'm embarrassed and ashamed. I feel crazy. I feel mentally insane. What if I'm making all of this up? What if none of this is real?

[bonkers65]

I know how you feel. I feel the same way. I'm embarrassed and ashamed of my anxiety too. I try not to be but it's hard. And the unreal feeling is just your anxiety. I hope you feel better soon.

[argh52]

This is real. You aren't making it up. We all feel that shame and we need to face it so we can get better. Why can't you tell your wife? How do you think she'll react?

[ekawhite in reply to argh52]

Because she doesn't understand. She thinks it's something that everyone deals with. Today is our 3 year wedding anniversary and I sent her nice little medium length message telling her I was sorry for this past weekend (we had a bad weekend and I'm to blame) and how I loved her and how I want to be better for us and what not. She responded 'Happy anniversary'.

Trigger. She's teaching summer school and today they are doing the retest for the state's exam thingy. Emotional anxious me was thinking okay so that's her true honest answer and when I get home she's going to tell me how she wants out. Logical, rational, sane me was thinking well maybe she had to go and didn't have time to respond for real.

Nope it was real. I had an explosive episode and I told her how I can't communicate any of this to her (this was after she asked me if i think i really love her, if i think she really loves me, and if i think we are meant to be together)

I completely regret saying anything to her. I should have just shoved it down and put my happy mask back on.

[argh52 in reply to ekawhite]

You can't keep that up forever. You should try and find some literature to share with her. Is there anyone else you can talk to about this? Friends? Have you looked into counseling or medication?

[ekawhite in reply to argh52]

Literally nobody in my circle or that I'm close to will understand except my mom because her mom, my dad and his dad all have a variation or combination of mental illness (yay go me for being the lucky one to get blessed with it) but I just recently starting having a relationship with her and so my trust in her is a little rocky. I can't talk to my dad because he is pretty unstable and I don't want this to be a trigger or burden for him. I've been afraid to go to the doctor because I didn't want to have to be on medication and I didn't want it to be confirmed. But, I broke down and I have an appointment on Friday. I can't really afford counseling right now because we are saving money to move.

[argh52 in reply to ekawhite]

Good luck

[Dolphin14 in reply to ekawhite]

You need the Appointment. Health comes first. Then Mayb some couples counseling when you are stabilized.

[ekawhite in reply to Dolphin14]

Couples counseling is definitely on the list. She just made me feel so shitty for being that open with her. I'm sure it was unintentional but it still happened.

[h2001 in reply to ekawhite]

I get where you're coming from I had no one to talk too as no one understood and just laughed it off. but you need to speak to someone as it is only going to get worst. have you pulled your wife aside and tried to really break it down and just tell her how she can help dig deep into your emotions and tell her in terms that she would understand and if she is willing to help you, work together to make it work to make you feel better about yourself. if you don't mind me asking what do you do to calm yourself down when you have an attack like that?

wishing you all the luck in the world and really hope you can get through this time your having. I am here ...

[ekawhite in reply to h2001]

I've honestly tried MULTIPLE times. Even yesterday after I made this post I had an explosive moment where I told her almost everything and tried to explain it to her.

Her end response was

"I understand that every time I need you somehow you end up having an episode and I am forced to pick myself up barely holding on and try to pick you up too. If you need a doctor or meds or podcasts or journals for everything in your life to perfectly then fine just get it done. there is nothing else I can do so I'll back off."

Like everything I told her was not saying this at all. Even on Saturday when I shut down I explained it to her why and what happened and she STILL felt like I was "making it about me" or "not being there for her". So that made me understand that I'm alone with this.

Normally it's small little attacks and counting or listening to music or cleaning or something to distract me helps. But this one I went into the bathroom (which was a bad idea because it got worse) so I went out on my balcony and sat on the ground and closed my eyes and just tried to focus on one sound (the wind blowing) and breathe with the wind and it helped a lot

[Sillysausage234]

Like the picture 👍

[marheart]

Those of us who suffer from anxiety/panic attacks don't understand them. How could "normal people" understand them?

It's up to us to find our individual answers. For me it has been a couple of years of blaming the attacks on other health issues.

When I tell the truth, the stigma of having mental problems opens the door for people to run away from me.

We have a custom of saying "hi, how are you?" Does anyone want the real answer? NO! So I lie and say "fine" with a smile, I even continue the typical routine by asking the other person, how are you?

LIES!

[ekawhite in reply to marheart]

Yes!!! I do this all the time!! I have to and I hate it. It's bad enough I spend my days lying to myself but I even have to lie to those that are closest to me.

[marheart in reply to ekawhite]

I keep searching for better generic answers to "hi, how are you?" and for my good manners reply to how are they doing.

Members of this site: Share your ideas with us.

Sometimes I'll say "hi, it's good to see you" Don't know what else to say and there I've started a whole boatload of more lies.

[marheart]

What if.... What if....

First lose the What if..... that's what my therapist keeps telling me.

Making up a story book ending is not reality. Take care of today, then tonight, then thru sleep, etc, etc, etc.

If I catch my self in the land of "what if..." I do my best to change the dialog and the story line of my life to make it a positive experience rather than being an on call worrywart.

Oh, if only it was that easy. See, there I go again!

[Kkimm]

Hi

Perhaps if you find the right time and in the right way your wife will understand. It may take a while but give her time.

I really like the image you put with your post by the way.

Kim