Introduction - Opening doors.

[Adoptee]

Hi. These introductions are always so difficult. Where to start? What to say? How does one give a 'reader's digest condensed version' of everything in ones life that led them to joining an online support group? For me, it's trauma. It started at birth when I was separated from my mother...my world, and handed over to strangers. My journey from birth includes a series of abuses, betrayals and traumas, but as a counsellor recently said to me 'I'm resilient'.

I'm here because in 2013 a psychiatrist diagnosed me with Panic Disorder with Agoraphobia. I didn't buy it. The first thing everyone wanted to do was numb me with drugs. The medications only enhanced my heart palpitations, shakes, breathing difficulties, stomach pains, and light headedness. Of course who wants to go out in public when they're feeling like that?! Every new medication caused severe side effects and my doctor deemed me medically sensitive. Nobody understood or could give me anything beyond a prescription. My house became my 'sort of' safe place, anything beyond my door led to a panic attack that would not go away. So I shut down, completely.

I spent close to a year hiding in a video game. For up to 15 hours per day, I sat in front of my t.v. enmeshed in the fantasy world of Skyrim. When I got bored of that I sat in my bedroom and read all day. It was the only way to escape the pain. I didn't get dressed, I didn't speak to anyone - I completely isolated myself. I knew I couldn't go on like that and any support I needed was on the other side of my door, I just had to bring myself to open it. So I slowly began to expose myself to my backyard, then my front yard and eventually public places. The panic attacks became less frequent, for less of a duration and in less intensity. I started to rebuild my life and when I got to a place where I thought I was going to be okay, an issue with my adoptive parents began brewing which eventually led to a very intense, long lasting series of traumatic events that began in 2014 and ended last year.

I left my house last weekend for the first time in over six months, and predictably had a panic attack. What frightens me about these panic attacks is my faulty 'flight, fight, freeze' switch. Sometimes it gets stuck, and refuses to turn off. So I do my best to avoid situations that will turn it on because once it's activated I never know how long it will last. I keep thinking that if I could only find the source of the fear, then maybe I'll be able to conquer it and live a productive life. I'm not afraid of people, per se, I'm afraid of losing control, of being seen...My self-isolation has led to depression and I'm here because maybe that psychiatrist was right and I do have panic disorder with agoraphobia.

[NeuronerdDoaty]

Very brave to share. 👍💛

[Michdau1]

Hi and welcome 😘 I was at a point many years ago where I couldn't leave my house at all for 6 months. I can quite easily now so you can do it do but it takes time. Firstly, I think what u have achieved so far is brilliant and going out to the backyard and doing things in steps is a great idea. There are two things in particular that helped me. In simple terms,

1) ask yourself what is worse, staying in forever and being too isolated to work, have friends etc or being temporarily scared but learning to cope until you have a fantastic life?

2) It sounds like you do want to see the world but you don't want the world to see you. Why is that? Self esteem issues maybe? Abandonment issues? Have a chat with someone xxx

[Adoptee in reply to Michdau1]

Thanks Michdau1. Abandonment and trust issues definitely. Self esteem issues not so much anymore, at least consciously.

The whole backyard thing was in 2013. I had rebuilt, went to college to change career paths, but then my mother developed dementia and my father got involved with a sociopath 50 years younger than him. As an only child, I had to move back to my parents city to care for my mother and help my father (who I thought was a victim of elder abuse). I witnessed some extremely disturbing things - the neglect and psychological torture of my mother, the destruction of my family home, my mother's decline and death, and the man behind the mask of my father. My carefully constructed world of lies completely unravelled and came to a head in February of last year- the panic attacks crept back in and I slowly retreated into my safe world of isolation.

For 40 years I've been pouring through psychology books, seeking out counselling and looking for answers. My mother was narcissistic, my father is psychopathic and I was adopted to and raised by them since birth. A lot of issues for me to unpack. And then it hit me that everything I believed to be true was a lie.

It's not so much that I don't want the world to see me, it's more like I don't want the world to see me vulnerable. I've been in a position of vulnerability too many times where the world has chewed me up and spit me back out. At this point in my life staying inside forever is doable, but it's not healthy and I want to be healthy.

[Michdau1 in reply to Adoptee]

I'm so glad you want to be healthy because you deserve it xxx

[Agora1]

Adoptee, thank you for sharing your journey in life. A very brave first step forward.

I can understand your pain because I have seen it in my own daughter everyday for the

last 24 years. At age 2, she was separated from her mother and brought to me as a

foster child. (drugs were involved with the placement being necessary) She has been

diagnosed as having Separation Anxiety. Home became her safe place to the point that

she didn't want to be away from me. Every child needs to feel stable, wanted and loved.

I did adopt her at 10y.o. but the damage was already instilled in her. Control seems to

be the biggest issue she still deals with. Actually, today is her 26th birthday. She still

is looking for control of her life.

I think your diagnosis with Agoraphobia (which I had myself at one time) happens when

we fear everything around us. Those of us who have had panic/anxiety attacks do not

fear the people or the place we are in but like you fear others seeing us loose control

and have an embarrassing attack in front of others who don't understand.

I'm glad you are here Adoptee. You will see that no matter what the reason is for

our Anxiety, the symptoms and the goal are the same and that is to become who we

are meant to be. Welcome to this safe, friendly and caring site. xx

[Adoptee in reply to Agora1]

Thank you for understanding Agora1. I was separated at birth, I'm part of the baby scoop era. My biological mother committed the "sin" of getting pregnant at 15 and we were both punished for it. I've been in contact with my biological family for over 34 years. Adoption issues are lifelong issues for everyone involved.

My childhood was full of inconsistencies and I was not protected. Control is definitely a contributing factor. In order for me to feel safe I need to be in control, this seems to get worse as I grow older. Since the only person I can control is myself, when my mind and body spirals into a panic attack, for what seems like no apparent reason, I feel out of control. And the last thing I want to do is be in a public place.

[Agora1 in reply to Adoptee]

I do understand dear in that Adoption can have lifelong issues for everyone involved.

My dauther keeps in contact with her 5 siblings, however the biological mother has since passed. I also have a son that I adopted at birth who is about your age. His parents

were young 15 and 17 years old and choose closed adoption for him. I always gave him the option if he wanted to know who is biological parents are that I would help

him find them. He choose not to. His life seems to be altogether. He was in the

Air Force and more recently started his own business. He is a very bright man who

can succeed in anything he puts his mind to.

So 2 children, different responses to adoption. I wish you well in finding yourself.

I will always be here for you should you want to talk privately. You are not alone. xx

[Adoptee in reply to Agora1]

Thank you Agora1. I have a wonderful online peer support group for adoption issues run by adoptees. I found my way to this site because although my panic/agoraphobic issues overlap, they come with their own set of challenges.

You mentioned that you had been diagnosed with agoraphobia at one time. Do you mind me asking how you got through it?

[Agora1 in reply to Adoptee]

I got through it with intensive therapy. I was fortunate in finding

someone who would at first come to my house and then do

phone counseling. Anytime and every time I needed her she was

there for me. An unbelievable woman. She basically kept instilling

in me that deep down there was this strong person inside me that

I needed to reach for. (even doctors who knew me before said the

same thing) At the time I couldn't see it.

While being shut in, I also worked on my own in finding what might

help me get over my fears. I feared everything at that time. I had

Reiki sessions in my home, Biofeedback, Self Hypnosis, CBT, Meditation

and Deep Breathing. I turned to YouTube and found that to be very helpful

in being able to practice for free everyday. Over and over until I was

able to automatically shut off my anxiety and my negative thoughts mostly

through deep breathing.

From there (after 5 years) I stepped out for the first time. Small steps led

slowly to larger ones. I began to realize that what I feared was not outside

it was inside my mind. And once I was able to accept the fear as not harmful,

I became more competent in taking more and more steps. I knew I had found

the key to my success and would now be in control once again. xx