I think I’ve shut my self off emotionally

[DemureRose]

It’s my last day of school before I’m a senior. This past year I made friends with some seniors so of course they’re leaving and while my other junior friends are upset...I feel nothing. No sadness or anxiety about change. And normally change is my biggest anxiety trigger. On top of the seniors leaving, a girl I started becoming friends with these past two years is moving. I mean she’s become one of my old friends! I should feel sadness or just anything! But I don’t feel anything. Even when she told me I didn’t know what to do. I just said “well that sucks”. It wasn’t happiness, just nothing. Numbness almost. I almost thing it comes from my new habit of not letting people in because of past betrayal and abandonment.

Here’s my theory.

In 8th grade I left a 5 year friend group. It was a big step but I was ready to make it, I just wasn’t happy in that group. After I left I got contacted by a girl in that group who needed someone on the outside for advice. That lasted a year and I considered her my best friend. I told her everything! Everything! Then one day she randomly stopped talking to me and hasn’t really since. Abandonment #1. When she did that I clung to another friend we’ll call Rosa. Me and Rosa were honestly best friends. I took her on vacation and we hung out a lot. However when we joined a new group she kinda ditched me and told the other girls things that hurt or irritated me. And the bullying began. She stopped really talking to me and I just had to leave that group to be happy. Abandonment #2. So I really feel like that these two cases where I built up trust then had it knocked off made me very cautious when it comes to friendship. It’s like I just expect people to leave now. Maybe that’s why I felt nothing...because I’d always planned for it.

Let me know what you think and if you may have another idea! I’m up for anything and maybe someone on the outside has a better insight. Thank you if you do respond!

*wow I didn’t realize how long this was! So sorry!!

[snow_queen]

I can relate, being abandoned in any way makes a person cautious to trust and to love, even if you don't realize you're becoming that way.

in my case it was my mother - she always said she was there for me and would help me with anything, but whenever I asked she either told me I was stupid for asking or simply did nothing. being betrayed by the person I was *supposed* to trust the most really did a number on my relationships with all other people (not to mention what it did to my mental state).

I'm lucky to have a couple of close friends now who I know I can count on and trust. I have noticed it takes me an absurdly long time to feel comfortable around someone though, it's like my default state is on edge waiting for them to do something to me. this makes me come across cold and distant, which doesn't really help with the friend making process either...I will say though that while I definitely would not recommend this way of existing around other people, it's saved me from getting burned a few times in friendships/relationships simply because I hadn't let myself care yet.

I would encourage you to find people you get along with, take your time getting to know them, and try and gradually put your trust in them good luck