Broken heart 💔

[NoMonkeyBusiness]

I just signed up for this support group due to various reasons. Today when I woke up I felt down and its stuck with me all day. I lay in bed awake not able to sleep because my mind continues to dwell on the things that haunt me. It’s taking a lot for me to put this out there. I use to be a catfish. Since I was in middle school up until my late 20’s. Those of unfamiliar with the term “catfish”, essentially I would make fake social media profiles with someone else’s pictures then involve myself romantically with people. I’m not proud of this whatsoever. My low self esteem has always been one of the main root causes. The last time I catfished anyone was a few years ago. It lasted for two years and I fell so in love with him (I know that sounds crazy being we had never met face to face) that in the end it crushed me more than I already was inside. I never meant for it to go on for so long or to hurt him the ways that I did. One lie lead to multiple other lies and next thing I knew everything was out of control. I’ve never had such a connection with anyone and he was legit my best friend. One day I was finally tired. It’s been 2.5 years since I came clean to him and we split ways. I have NEVER been so devastated to loose someone, even to this day. Today, I constantly think about him and can’t seem to move on. I am still in love with him. I am thankful it happened in a way because it did help me become a better person. I completely changed my life around because of him. I graduated college, ate healthier and started exercising, lost a bunch of weight, quit smoking... someone had come along and showed me how to set goals and achieve them again. They had brought back my motivation I had lost so long ago. However, it doesn’t change the things I did or the way I feel. Everyday I can’t help but to think what if this was the one person for me and I screwed it all up?! I’ve never been married and no kids. It hurts me to scroll through social media and see all of my friends with husbands and kids yet here I am with none of that. I need someone to talk to. I need help.

[jkl5500]

You are still young enough to get married and have a family if that's what you want to do. Everyone does things that they regret in life. All you can do is learn from it, and resolve to never do it again.

[NoMonkeyBusiness in reply to jkl5500]

I’m afraid I won’t ever feel for someone the same. It’s been 2.5 years and I still cry over him and I still love him just as much. I’ve come to terms that there is no repairing the damage that was done, but for some reason I stay attached. Maybe it’s some kind of residual guilt that still lingers? I just want to be able to move on with my life and enjoy it but it’s like I don’t know how to do that.

[jkl5500 in reply to NoMonkeyBusiness]

I'm not a therapist, but I think the only answer is to meet other people and move on. You feel guilty because you deceived him. At least you did the right thing and told him the truth. The best way to put something firmly in the past is to do something positive right now, and continue doing it in the future.

[AuntBee]

The relationship was founded on deception. It was never real, it was an illusion. I think you still feel in love with the illusion, the potential, what you think the relationship could have been. He was a real best friend but only through the lens of your eyes, not his. The love you feel may be real but the relationship wasn’t. It’s time to let the relationship go. You have said you have learned a lot through this so that will help you move on. The other thing you need to do is forgive yourself, both for causing pain to another and causing yourself pain. Once you can forgive yourself you will find someone. You sound like a very caring person who made a mistake. It’s going to be ok. It will just take time to process it all. We’re here for you in this group.