Triggers

[Strongerthanmonsters]

Last night, I had to meet your mom and sister. I didn’t want to. My ex forced me to meet his daughter. It was part of his control of me. So, I was starting to feel triggered. Then, your little sister looked so much like his daughter. It scared me. I knew they would love me, that wasn’t the problem. The problem was I get triggered by things that sometimes I don’t even see coming. I haven’t been myself this week. I’ve been avoiding you and somewhat talking to you because I know my ex is back in the area so I feel triggered. So, I acted out of fear and broke up with you. Then called at 3am and got back with you. I apologized immensely for it. I didn’t sleep last night. I feel sick to my stomach. I cried so hard last night. I don’t know what to say. I don’t know if being with you is the right choice. It’s all too confusing. My ex’s voice still rings in my head, “you’ll never find anyone better than me. You’ll come back to me.” My therapist said that was part of your manipulation. I think my therapist is right. My depression wants negativity so it wants you (my ex). But, I don’t want you (my ex). Sometimes my depression makes me think I need you (my ex).