I Don't Know if I Can Stay Strong Anymore...

I'm laying here in bed, unsure on if my existence in this world is truly needed or if i am just another body, taking up space, consuming the oxygen, and making a mess of the people around me. Most days I am strong and an advocate fighting for others with the same problems I have, telling them...you got this, keep fighting, chin up, you have a reason, and so on. For me, these last few weeks...I'm truly blind to any and all positive reinforcement o can give myself. I have 2 kids under 3 that I havent been able to spend good quality time with because Dad is so doesn't and out, even on his meds...that play time and cuddle time are zapped away by my being exhausted, constant worry, racing thoughts, and serious bouts of depression. I miss 2-3 days a week because of my disability, so I'm putting a financial strain not only on myself, but on my wife and family. My wife is a CNA and home health worker that makes $10 an hour and only works 28-32 hours a week on average. At the end of the day, I'm hurting her and the kids financially and emotionally and I don't think I can handle that anymore. I'm dead weight. My family and her family refuse to help us...we are looking at losing our home, gas, water, electricity, and of that happens I will certainly lose my mind. My mind is a battle zone, and I'm losing this war whether or not I want to

[Hidden]

It makes me so sad to hear that and look at this picture. You have to be strong for them. They love you and need you. I can relate to losing everything. I did and I have children too.

Just hang in there. You will find a solution to whatever happens. There is no choice to opt out.

[maphender]

It may sound empty and hollow and just like everything you've heard and told yourself, but you are here for a reason. It is the truth. Just look into the eyes of those beautiful babies you have and know that you cannot ever give up. They need you to fight for yourself just as you would for them. Please, please, please don't give up. You are wanted and needed.

[lillyofthevalley37]

I hope and pray you keep your beautiful family together

[Stilltrying_]

I was told once that there is an "ill "negative self and a positive "well" self in everyone who has a mental health issue . In times like these you need to hang onto to the "well " bits. You have had a very troubled childhood but you have survived it and you are still here and fighting and also in your "well" moments you are an enthusiastic and vocal supporter for others who are suffering .

It isn't true that you are a dead weight. That is the depression talking. I think you give a lot to others and you are brave and courageous as a person considering the terrible things you have managed to overcome in your life so far. Your music is fantastic also; you are very talented so don't forget that either.

In times like these it may be necessary to say to yourself "just hold on". Hold on if it's only for an hour, and then another hour. Phone crisis lines; do whatever it takes but hold on. Your family would be far more devastated were they to lose you. You can't see that you are loveable because of your terrible childhood but they love you and your children need you too.

If you can't hold on for yourself then hold on for them. Just hold on.

This too shall pass. Don't give up now. I will be thinking of you and hoping you can find the strength to keep pulling through. You are worth it though you don't believe that I know at this time.

Gemmalouise

[Hidden]

Hang tight - the worst happens before the best does. If I win the lottery, I’ll share! I seriously hope the best for you. Your family needs you

[Hidden]

Thank you for all the kind words and uplifting inspiration everyone. Much love to you all. I hit these slumps from time to time like many do, but when I see my family suffering...and it is because of my missing work and not bring home the money I should be do to my uncontrollable mental illness...it tears me apart. We are still hoping for a miracle, posted a go fund me, and calling places that help with people in our situation.

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

Never lose hope, never give up. Miracles do happen. x

[Hidden]

How are you doing tonight guitar? I've been thinking about you?

[Hidden in reply to Hidden]

I'm doing ok. Still fighting the struggles. Needing a miracle really.

[Agora1 in reply to Hidden]

Such a beautiful family GuitarPlayer. I keep going back to your picture

and can't help but feel that a miracle is going to happen. There are a lot

of good and caring people in this world. Stay positive my friend. x

[Hidden in reply to Agora1]

Thank you! I'm trying. The wife is doing what she can too.

[Coralrose5]

Hang in there! ❤️

[Justme1972]

This made me so sad when I read this. I am really sorry you feel this way. Your family is picture perfect. Please stay strong .

[susanv1994]

You are a wonderful creation. I know that you might think that your wife and children would be better without you; but that is not true. Your wife and kids would be lost without you. I understand the fear of losing a home and everything that you have worked so hard to get. But there are things that you can do. I get that you might have turned to family for help and that isn't working. Even though in the past you might have helped them, sometimes family just isn't the right place to go for financial help. Perhaps you could contact a help agency in your area, maybe start with The Salvation Army. If they can't help they might be able to point you into the right direction. If you have your own church, that might be a better place to start. Seeking help does not mean that you are weak. I have had to learn that the hard way. Seeking help is the strongest thing that you can do . Has your wife considered advancing her education? You might think that you can't afford it, but with a nursing shortage, she might be able to find a program that will actually pay her to go to school. (often requires a commitment to work for a certain period of time).

[foobarbaz]

Please don't give up. I just lost this war and lost my family in the process. You will regret it so much worse if you don't stay strong. You really can do it somehow. Just breath deep breaths and focus on the love in your life. Hold your wife and tell her how much you love her every single day before it is too late. Good luck