So tired of being judged.

[dogsaregreat]

My parents are the worst at judging me. If I have a certain tone in my voice, or I stand in a particular way, or have a sad, numb look on my face, they say I have a bad attitude. They do not understand how I feel inside. They expect me to cheer up and smile-'life's not that bad' they say. Most of the time I am totally numb to everything, so I don't really have any real facial expression. How can I train them to leave me be? Please help!

[snow_queen]

I'm so sorry! I can relate, my parents are that way too. especially my mom, she expects everyone to care about how she feels and what's going on in her life, but my sister and I are not allowed to not be ok. we're always expected to smile and be positive, productive human beings. she doesn't seem to realize that I would much rather be smiling, happy, and productive and am genuinely trying my hardest to have a positive outlook on life, but mental illnesses make it so much harder.

I don't have a great solution, but the thing thats worked best for me most consistently is to not even try to explain things to them, just fake it. put that smile on as best as you can and try not to be around them when you absolutely can't. I've gotten pretty good at putting my emotions "in a box" which is a good way to manage around non understanding people, you just have to remember to deal with the emotions later. they don't go away and if you don't they'll come back when you really don't want them to. and ideally find one or two people you can completely be yourself around. people you can have fun and be happy with, but you can also cry with and hate the world with and lay around being sad with.

like I said I don't think its the best solution out there, but I don't have a lot of options right now (idk how old you are/what your living situation is but it sounds like we're in a similar boat) and this is the way of dealing with my parents thats helped me cope the best. lots of luck to you!

[dogsaregreat in reply to snow_queen]

Hi! I'm 50 yrs. old. I got really sick in 2017 and needed my parents care 24/7. So I still live with them. They are both very controlling persons. Thanx for your help and advice.

[Hugo1990]

Totally get this my parents are the same. ‘It will be fine’ - ‘I don’t feel fine’ and the reply I get is ‘xx’ it’s like they don’t listen and get it. I gave them a website to look st that explains it to them and they haven’t even looked! I went down last weekend and said to them do you realise by doing what your doing that you actually make me worse. They didn’t like it when I told them how they made me feel but they have to accept it because it’s my feelings. Have you tried mentioning it to them previously?

[dogsaregreat in reply to Hugo1990]

My parents also expect me to snap out of it. They have been shown and explained to about depression and bipolar, but refuse to accept that's me. Thanx for your help.

[Hugo1990 in reply to dogsaregreat]

That must be really hard for you, any parent or person should know you don’t choose to feel the way you just do it can’t be helped. It’s a shame it’s such a taboo. Hope you get through to them eventually

[hypercat54]

Hi do you have the option of leaving home and/or joining your husband? If you don't then all you can do is follow the advice given to avoid them as much as possible. x

[dogsaregreat in reply to hypercat54]

My husband won't be able to return for another 5 years when he retires. I'm on disability, so I have a very limited income. Unable to move out on my own. I've been isolating to my room lately, trying to escape them. My situation seems hopeless. I do not see a way out. Therefore I've been suicidal trying to escape their lack of compassion and understanding. Thank you for your help.

[hypercat54]

Can you go out and join your husband then? Can he help you with living expenses? x

[dogsaregreat]

He's in a situation where I cannot join him. Plus I will lose my disability. And I truly need my insurance. I wish that I could do more to help myself. I feel helpless. Thank you for your input. I appreciate it a lot.

[Esther228]

Hi there, I am so sorry about how you’re feeling. It is not easy to change the way you feel on the outside when you are struggling on the inside. What really helps me is reading my Bible, prayer, and listening to Christain music; it really makes me feel happy and changes my focus. I also realized that I can’t control anyone else, only my own feelings. That was a real “ah, ha” moment.

When I am down, I ask myself where these feelings are coming from and then I choose how I will respond. It is my choice. That is something that I can control. Sometimes, what I am feeling is fear, loss of control, or just being discouraged and not knowing what to do. The things that I do not have control over, I let go of and I do not dwell on them any longer. It isn’t always easy; it takes discipline and a change in me.

As a mother, I wonder if what your parents are feeling is more about their concern for you and yet they don’t know how else to express their feelings. Do you think that may be possible? Have you tried sitting down with them when you aren’t in conflict and just telling them how you feel?

I pray that you will be able to work through the depression and frustration and that you will experience much joy and happiness. I am sure thinking of you.

[dogsaregreat]

I do agree that my parents do wish they could do something for me. They're at a loss. But I have a hard time getting over things and excepting less than compassionate words. I have tried explaining how they can help me, rather than snapping orders to 'cheer up', 'smile' or 'get over it'. Thank you for your prayers and understanding.

[dogsaregreat in reply to dogsaregreat]

I do agree that my parents do wish they could do something for me, they're at a loss. But I have a hard time getting over things, and excepting less than compassionate words. I have explained how they can help me, rather than them snapping orders at me like, 'cheer up', 'smile' or 'get over it'. They get angry with me, instead of being compassionate. Thank you for your understanding.

[ribby]

I had the same problem. Try having your parents read the following quotes from doctors that I found online. Say, I found these quotes about Depression and Treatment Resistant Depression that might help you understand me better.

“Brain cells usually produce levels of neurotransmitters that keep senses, learning, movements, and moods perking along. But in some people who are severely depressed or manic, the complex systems that accomplish this go awry. For example, receptors may be oversensitive or insensitive to a specific neurotransmitter, causing their response to its release to be excessive or inadequate.”

“I saw many patients with treatment-resistant depression who told me that friends and family members believed they preferred being depressed, or weren’t trying hard enough to improve, because their antidepressants weren’t working. This isn’t about a lack of motivation.”

“While the biology of depression is still largely a mystery, the most popular theory is that it’s caused by low brain levels of such neurotransmitters as serotonin and norepinephrine, which are associated with feelings of happiness and well-being. But recent research suggests that these neurotransmitters may not be the lone culprit—so antidepressants, which work to increase serotonin or norepinephrine levels, may not be a one-size-fits-all treatment.”

“One of the more modern theories is that depression creates inflammation in the brain, or that inflammation in the brain creates depression,” Dr. Papp says. “Traditional antidepressants only affect neurotransmitters, so this may be why some patients don’t respond to them.”

“Whether or not this turns out to be true, what we do know is there's still no guaranteed fix for the problem—which can be frustrating for both patients and their loved ones.”

“When I had a clinical practice, I saw many patients with treatment-resistant depression who told me that friends and family members believed they preferred being depressed, or weren’t trying hard enough to improve, because their antidepressants weren’t working,” Dr. Singh says. “This isn’t about a lack of motivation. I’ve never met a patient who didn’t want to get better.”