Log in
Anxiety and Depression Support
29,490 members30,065 posts

Online Dating-Soul Destroying

This is going to be a very long post. I read somewhere someone calling online dating "soul destroying". It stuck with me because I cannot think of a better word.☹I have been back to online dating for 3 years now. 3 years. I have nice photos up, and am told a very nice profile. I get a lot of attention, but I have to admit that I am picky, so I don't go out on that many dates. I am SO down and depressed over it. Actually, I'm starting to feel NUMB to the whole experience. It's disappointment after disappointment. Some like me, I don't like them. Some are not interested in me, me in them. And that's all fine and good. I understand that. But what I DON'T understand is this whole ghosting thing, ESPECIALLY WHEN someone asks you out again, asks when you can call them again, and then they don't even answer your messages! Just a few weeks ago, I met a really nice Australian guy. Things went so well. We were in touch after the date, he had said he wanted to see me again, etc. Two days later, that VERY MORNING, he called me at 6:00 A.M. His exact words were-" I like you, you're fun to be with, and you're very attractive. When can I talk to you again"? So I said I could call him at 10:30 that morning, when I had a break. I called him and it went to voicemail. I left a message and NEVER heard back from him. So what happened within 4 1/2 hours? We DO live 70 miles away, but he told me that wasn't a problem. Well if it suddenly became a problem, why would he say those things to me, acting like he wanted to see me again? Just one more example.-I started talking to a guy on Sunday.. We do live far-66 miles. We talked for hours in the morning and hours at night. We planned to meet next weekend. Immediately yesterday I knew something was wrong. You get to know someone's texting style, and when it goes off course, you just know that the whole thing is going south. So he called me this morning with some bs story. I could TELL it was bs. So what happened from one day to the next? Distance problem again? Then just say that. I only WISH there were other ways to meet men. I work from home, so that's not happening. I've asked friends and family if they know someone for me-no. I go to a meet-up group. None there. And I've NEVER met anyone in the grocery store! Lol. I'm very careful with looking at the profiles and the photos. Sometimes you can just tell when a guy is a player, by his photos. I stay away. Won't go anywhere NEAR them. I don't know what to do anymore. It's one disappointment after another. As I said-soul destroying. I have plenty to do to keep me busy, between working full time, having 3 dogs, seeing my daughter, a meet-up group, etc. But whenever I close my day care at 6:00, I just feel so lonely and depressed. It doesnt matter that I have other things going on, ( I also do crafting). I am looking for someone special and it hasn't happened in 3 years. I'm not even sure why I wrote this. I guess just to vent. I DO know one thing though-even when a guy insists that distance is not too far, I'm not going to take it any further, and also, I'm not going to waste hours of my time on the phone with anyone anymore. If there is a date, we can find out more about each other at that time. I have stopped even telling my friends and daughter when I have a potential date. The same thing keeps happening over and over and over and I feel like a fool. NOW it's happening before I even MEET the person. 😞😫

71 Replies
oldestnewest

At first, online dating sites seem like a great idea. You get to screen potential dates, and learn about them before meeting them. It's a big timesaver. Meeting someone should be a piece of cake!

But real life gets in the way. People play all kinds of games on there, and you usually end up with the same disappointments that you would with socializing any other way. It's no "magic bullet".

In fairness, I had met a few nice women on those sites. But after awhile, I learned not to get my hopes up too high.

Reply

Unfortunately for me, there is really no other way. I hate to lump all men into the same category, ( game players), but if that's all I'm getting...........I just ask myself WHY??? WHY say those things and then ghost-4 hours later, the next day, whatever? Makes NO sense. Do some men have nothing better to do than to waste all my time, then ghost?? I feel SOO LOW. 3 years is a very long time to be trying.

Reply

I call online dating soul destroying ....I’ve not used it for years but in my experience what a rat race...I’ve heard of or met a couple of people who have had success but when you think of everyone that goes on them I don’t reckon it’s a high percentage that have success at all....that’s just my humble opinion of course ...

Will read your post ..I just read the first few lines and realised I did a dating site post some time ago and called it soul destroying,, also another problem is people seem to find it difficult to be honest and just say if they don’t feel a spark or don’t feel compatible, so they stay, chat, laugh , give the impression their interested as they don’t know what else to do ...then afterwards they ghost the person because they can’t say, actually I don’t think we are suited, sorry...it would save a lot of wondering what’s happened ...a lot of people generally can not be honest...

Xx

Reply

I understand people not being interested. That's totally fine. But the problem enters when they act as if they are still interested, everything seems to be fine, then they disappear. If they are not interested, then don't follow up at all. It's rude, but at least I would get the point-immediately. To stay, chat and laugh is cruel. It really is. Because then you are left sitting there wondering what the heck you said or did to turn them off. I let men know immediately when I am not interested. If they send me a text after the date, I DON'T LET THEM WAIT. I just very politely tell them that I had a nice time, but do not think we are a good match. And it feels terrible to do that, but there is NO WAY I am going to lead someone on, if I'm just not feeling it. And what's with the 50 compliments on the date itself? They give all these compliments, then ghost?? They should just keep their mouth shut!!😡😡 Sorry-I am depressed, angry, numb, lost. I don't know what to do anymore.

Reply

I hear ya and I’ve been there...

They cannot be honest, they find it difficult ! And because they can ghost...they do...its easiest for them for some reason, maybe guys find it difficult to tell females they are not interested...I don’t know but all I know is it’s too big a risk for my health and I’m not risking it xx

Reply

I wish I, like you, could just ACCEPT the fact, after 3 years, that I'm never going to meet someone like this. If I had another way, I would. But with each ghosting, or disappointment, my feelings get worse, and I feel even more depressed.

Reply

I would say Friends first is a good way, no pressure..take time. Don’t rush ..

If you were going to date you would need to make the time to see someone, or you wouldn’t get to know them, and they would want your time ,use that time to join something go regular, it doesn’t happen straight away, but regular visits mean meeting friends...then people only go out with who they get to know more and gel with...

Xxxx

Reply

You're right - no one should yank you around emotionally like that. But in general, men are conditioned to say positive things on dates (even if they don't mean them) just to be polite. They don't want to ruin the whole evening by saying what they're thinking.

This might be part - but not all - of what happened to you.

Reply

Reply

Sorry, I didn't mean to make you frown. I just tried to shed a little light on the subject.

I really need to get some of those emojis!

1 like
Reply

Thanks for telling it like it is.

1 like
Reply

Does hypercat know you just say things you don’t really mean jk

Reply

She does now.

1 like
Reply

There goes your fish and chips

1 like
Reply

Well, we went Dutch anyway. It all worked out.

2 likes
Reply

Yes the whole ghosting thing is because they can’t be honest ..

For some reason something isn’t suiting them, they don’t always say it may be a problem, but when they decide it is or their circumstances change or whatever, it’s easier for them to ghost....

The whole thing was not good for my mental health in the end...a bit like Facebook...rather false and not at all authentic ...sorry I had too much of a bad experience to never go there again even if it was the only way I’d meet someone...better chance meeting someone buying frozen veg who is genuine 🙄 x

Reply

"The whole thing was not good for my mental health in the end". This EXACTLY!!

Reply

Totally , I’m sorry for how you feel it really is soul destroying xxx

Reply

Thank you.

Reply

Xx

Reply

I would say Friends first is a good way, no pressure..take time. Don’t rush ..

If you were going to date you would need to make the time to see someone, or you wouldn’t get to know them, use that time to join something go regular, it doesn’t happen straight away, but regular visits mean meeting friends...then people only go out with who they get to know more and gel with...

Xxxx

Reply

Yes I am a member of a few meet-up groups. But the women outnumber the men so much it's ridiculous!

Reply

Yes meet ups are a bit like that...

I know it’s cliche but not concentrating on trying to date helps..it’s easy for me to say it takes time ...and the ease of what should happen on dating sites is appealing...except it doesn’t happen...

I made a male friend at the library, as I used to go regular

We got to saying hello ..it took weeks but we spoke in the end and we have become friends..

1 like
Reply

That's good to hear!! 😊

1 like
Reply

Sometimes we get wrapped up int he whole dating thing, and I know in the end it made me quite desperate because it was an aim and I’m a perfectionist, so I like to achieve what I set out to do...of course I failed at every corner, it made me ill...

Once I stopped I wasn’t so bothered, and realised you can meet someone anywhere ...it happens...

But going places regular is good as people recognise you and chat ...x

Reply

It can happen..but I think we can try too hard..

I say I don’t wish to date now, but I’m happy to be friends..because I prefer that..but if I met the one, then I’d know and so would he but we would already be friends 😊 keep the hope xxx

1 like
Reply

How long were you on them before you gave them up completely?

Reply

Around 4 years off and on I would say...

I think ya can get a bit hooked tbh ...

X

Reply

It's like the person who sits at the slot machines and just keeps playing and playing, waiting for it to finally pay off. I keep telling myself-"I just need one. That's all it takes". And that's what keeps me on there. But I seriously am thinking now that when my subscriptions run out, ( I have 2), I'll just let myself be. Because at this point, they are doing much more harm than good. 😞

1 like
Reply

I did get really Ill, it wasn’t just down to dating sites to be fair, as I was doing a highly stressful job at the time ...but for sure dating sites played a major part....

I now feel I was worth more, and I am worth more ..I feel more at peace , but I realise that’s not easy and like you say it’s habit forming it is addictive too..

Take care of your health...you deserve to feel better ..

Try do things and not think about dating, give yourself a break...treat yourself ..go regularly somewhere, swimming maybe or something you enjoy, a couple of hours a week , but don’t leave after a couple of weeks, that’s what I used to do 🙄

You be surprised it could happen naturally..when your not even thinking about it,,

Best wishes...🌺🌺🌺

1 like
Reply

"I now feel I was worth more, and I am worth more". Priceless words!!👍😊

1 like
Reply

You are for sure...

They don’t deserve you

Take your time, think of you..

Xxx

Reply

Thank you!😊

1 like
Reply

👍💕

Reply

Online dating is not what is used to be. I met my husband online and my sister did too. That was over 10 years ago. Nowadays online dating is either filled w creeps or people who play games or both.

I understand you just needed to vent and that is perfectly fine. Can I suggest something?. Take a break from it for now.

When it's your time for you to find the right one it will happen. It's all about timing.

My friend met his wife on a Starbucks line! When it's meant to be it'll be.

Some have to wait longer than others to find the right one but the wait is worth it.

Keep your life positive and bright and the right one will be attracted to that and make it be known. Good luck to you.

3 likes
Reply

Thank you! Back in 2008, I met a man who I was with until 2016, by online dating. I went back on the sites in 2016, and like you said-it was a WHOLE different ballgame, for whatever reason! You would think as the men get older, they would mature more, but this has obviously not happened. I work from home, so am home A LOT, so I don't get out that much to meet people. But I think I WILL give up when my subscription ends. I can't keep.doing this to myself.

2 likes
Reply

Working from home is not easy. We all need that human interaction. Im home too and I have to get out of the house if I dont it gets depressing.

Why not join a church, or volunteer your time, or sign up w a local group that is interested in any hobbies you might have.

2 likes
Reply

The only hobby I do is crafting, and I enjoy my alone time doing that. I work 7:30-6:00, Monday-Friday, so I need time to unwind. There are tons of meet-up groups, but either they are too far, or the ages are just too young. I see my daughter every weekend also. Plus my 3 dogs keep me busy! 💖💖💖

1 like
Reply

Keep on trying. Look into it more. Im looking into volunteering myself and being a part of my local community.

1 like
Reply

Ok enough now please,men are getting slaughtered in this post .....women can be worse I’ve reported all the sexist comments to admin ...goodnight....😬

1 like
Reply

Sexist comments? I came on here to tell my story. I don't believe that ANYONE has said anything sexist. We are just relating our stories as they happened. What is a shame is that of course there are men who are truly good people on the sites. And it's a shame that it seems like ALL the men get lumped into one category. I didn't mean for that to happen. It would have been nice for you to join in more of the conversation with your own views, rather than reporting supposed sexist comments to the administration.

1 like
Reply

I never really reported any ....oops sorry 😐

1 like
Reply

Ok

1 like
Reply

I was just trying to get a reaction from sunnidayz she is a friend....I shouldn’t of ok thanks

1 like
Reply

There was no way for any of us to know that though.

1 like
Reply

Olivia and sunnidayz would know .....I do apologise shouldn’t assume you would of are we ok now

2 likes
Reply

Yes of course!

2 likes
Reply

Thanks

Reply

Yikes!

Reply

You causing havoc again ! 😂 only just logged on and seen this..glad it’s all ok...

Xxx

2 likes
Reply

Hahahaha!

Reply

Your one of the goodens silly ! Xx

1 like
Reply

Your silly 😜 😂 xx

1 like
Reply

Hahahaha! Oh man. I wasnt on the site to see this in real time!

2 likes
Reply

You're welcome

2 likes
Reply

You'll see Downandout123 once you're on the page for awhile that Sillysausage234 is a funny person.

Im glad he explained himself though bc I can see why you questioned his comments.

Silliysausage234 continue to be funny on this page! 🤦‍♀️😆😂

1 like
Reply

☀️Good morning sunni..poor girl having a buffoon like me popping up on her post I really should be careful...but we are good now, no hard feelings..I thought I was following your comment real time only after did I see it was 2 hours old...hope you are ok ..yeah like we were discussing the other night ..social media sites ...also dating sites..no thanks..being a Singleton i joined plenty of fish eventually it kept rejecting my profile saying you haven’t written enough ...try something like this...hi ..I enjoy going to the gym 6 days a week I’m very confident and outgoing never have any bad days like to bungee jump..sky dive and do enjoy space travel ...😊...I enjoy being single 95% of the time it’s really not that bad relationships take so much work as you have to figure out your partners mood too 🤔....🙋🏻‍♂️

1 like
Reply

U crack me up..lol

Yes, all relationships take work and time.

It's true

1 like
Reply

Hello!

So I’m going to be honest and admit I’ve been having trouble focusing this week so I didn’t actually finish reading your post or the comments so I apologize both if this is repetitive or if it gets long and incoherent. I was thinking about it after I stopped reading earlier and had a thought that might help.

So at the start let me say that I met my wife through online dating! This would mean a lot more if we hadn’t been separated for a year and our divorce hearing wasn’t coming up. That was the early days before it was widely accepted though.

I’ve been trying it again in the last year as a means of both making new friends and adjusting to being single after ten years in the hopes of meeting someone in case I’m more ready than I feel like I am. It was rough years ago now soul destroying sounds about right.

What I thought might help came from when I had a friend swear to me Tinder isn’t just a hookup app and that a lot of people use it as a serious source of dating. Skeptical and curious I tried it. Now I don’t think I’m the best catch in the world but I try to be a good guy, I’m honest, hard working, blah blah blah. The kind of man it seems like a lot of women say they want to meet... but none of them ever talk to me.

So I’ve tried a few things and when I tried Tinder I read an article to see how in the world it has the reputation as being amazing as it supposedly is. I incorporated some of what I read and it worked!..... sort of. I went from getting maybe 3 likes in a couple weeks to closer to ten after rebuilding the account entirely. Almost none of whom I was actually attracted to and those that i was didn’t return more than 2 messages each.

But what the article pointed out is that for men, online dating, especially apps like Tinder, is about NUMBERS. Unless you’re Super sexy, successful and unbelievably charismatic, it’s almost impossible for guys to get attention online. Women get hundreds of potential matches in the same time guys might get only a few if they get any at all. You do what you can to stand out but you just don’t. You’re lost in a sea of guys with the same basic goal. To be seen. They are trying to be seen by as many women as possible in the hopes of actually talking to someone. This numbers thing extends to the actual conversations and dating. The whole “you have to kiss a lot of frogs” cliche comes to mind. The point is that when you view dating less as getting to know a unique and special individual but in terms of how many it changes things.

On the subject of numbers, but unrelated to the article is that I would say MOST people are complete jerks (my preferred term feels inappropriate). That means that just as many or more people online are the same way. Even worse, being somewhat anonymous brings out the worst in people.

Anyway, they play those games because they know what they’re after and they know it will work. That’s why they do it. The ghosting thing I never understood.... until I did it to someone largely by accident. I think people do it because it works though. People tend to not keep doing things unless they believe that it does or can work.

With the ghosting thing.... I just had absolutely no clue what to say to her. We never met in person but we had texted for a couple of days. She was beautiful and at least tried to message back reasonably quickly. I had some reservations and then she asked if I believed in ghosts. I answered her and her response was “not only do I believe in them but I talk to them. Not with a board or anything but with a candle.”

.... now there is an angel of death serial killer by the name of Donald Harvey I had to learn about.... and that was how he selected his victims for a while. Saying names in front of a candle... I literally had no clue how to respond. I even asked for advice to no avail and before I knew it I had already effectively ghosted her for like a week. I just let it go. She never messaged me again and that was the end. It felt wrong but it worked.

Now that this has been written I feel far less confident it will help but I’ve typed it so I might as well hit submit and hope for the best.... sorry I’m not on top of my game lately. There’s a reason I haven’t been on here as much lately...

Wishing you nothing but great luck online and in life! 🙂

Reply

Thank you very much for your post and your kind wishes! 😊 I actually do understand your experience with ghosting that woman. It wasn't even intentional, just that you had no idea what to say. ( Geez-I wouldn't have either)!! But how does someone seem SOOO INTERESTED one minute, and then the next day, ( or in my case-the next 4 1/2 hours) change his mind? Obviously his comments were never real to begin with. Then why ask me when you can speak to me again and then not even answer me?. It is just mind boggling. In regard to your comment about men having to be super sexy, successful, and charismatic to get any attention at all, I don't really believe that. That's not who I'm after anyway. Sure it's appealing, but we have to be realistic. As for the numbers game-well, I have met way too many already. When does it end? At what number do you just say, " That's it!! I'm done"!! Probably when you start to get so down and depressed about it, that it affects everything else in your life-the point I'm at now. 😫I wish you good luck too!

1 like
Reply

One other possibility is that these guys are dealing with 2 or more women at the same time on these sites. They are just saying all the "right things" that they know women want to hear, just to continue stringing them along and keeping them interested. When he finally decides which one he's going to pursue, he simply drops the rest.

I know that doesn't make you feel any better, but it might help you to understand the way things work on there. Please, no more frowns!

1 like
Reply

Thanks! Yes I know that they are talking to and meeting other women. But we are talking a change of mind in HOURS, or the very next day. I've come to the conclusion to not believe ANYTHING that is said by men, and just see what happens. I actually went looking for more meetups last night, but couldn't find any. Oh and also-back in December-right around New Year's Eve, I came on here to warn all women about guys from dating sites. I had actually gone out once with a sexual predator. 😱😱Of course, I didn't know this until I got home and had the correct spelling of his last name. 5 weeks later, with the littlest information I had, I found another guy who I had just started talking to, had actually assisted in murdering a guy back in the 90s, with a friend. I SWEAR I cannot make this stuff up!! So, not only is it soul-destroying, but it can be VERY dangerous. Of course I take the right precautions though-to get there by myself, and always meet in a public place.

Reply

OMG 😮!

Xxx

Reply

Both cases were actually in the news. I ALWAYS get the spelling of a guy's last name before we meet,and I Google him, but this one got away from me. I was SICK when I found out.🤢🤢 There is probably a way to see my actual post on this when I found out. I got on here IMMEDIATELY to warn women.

Reply

So sorry that happened to you...😞

Dear me..yes it’s good to share..we know not all guys are the same and I know some guys also have a raw deal...but it’s important to keep safe ..thanks for sharing xxxxxx

Reply

You're welcome

Reply

You’re welcome.

Sadly the only good explanation beyond a terrible accident is that it was never true. Sadly there’s no good test that I know of to tell whether or not someone is a liar up front. It takes a bit of time.

As far as the sexy, successful, charismatic thing goes, if you believe the internet at least on some apps you have to be pretty much universally appealing on a superficial level to get attention. It’s nothing against women or you specifically. I’m not saying it’s impossible for average guys to find love or anything but supposedly there are a number of apps (Tinder, Bumble, etc) that base how many people see your profile based on your popularity. So if you stop actively getting likes for whatever reason fewer people see your profile creating a cycle that means eventually almost nobody sees your profile. All I was meaning was that in the race to get attention, at least on those apps, the internet strongly suggests men do have to at least appear to be those things, claiming things like 90% of men are competing for the least popular 15% of women (my numbers are probably off but you get the idea). The whole thing is disillusioning because no matter what the reasoning is for why you aren’t getting attention or why people aren’t answering, it’s hard to not take it personally.

As far as when does it end goes, when you finally get lucky and find the right one or you give up and try something different. I haven’t even been doing it for that long this time around and I’ve already had to take breaks. It’s too easy to grow cynical, obsessive over your “failure” and other issues. In the end always do what’s right for you.

I hope you’re doing well today! Good luck again with everything! 🙂

Reply

Thank you! I'm feeling better today. My meetup just posted dinner at the Outback on Friday night, so I have that to look forward to!

1 like
Reply

I have decided that I will do things a bit differently from now on. I get contacted a lot by men who are clearly too far away. If it's someone I might be interested in, I let them know it's just too far. Most of the time they want to meet anyway. We meet, I get ghosted. Could be because of the distance. Who knows. So I'm not even going to bother with anyone over 25 miles anymore, no matter what he says. The other thing is, I'll have ONE phone call with someone before I meet him. No need for him to be wasting my time with multiple phone calls, and then back out. Third, I'm going to just sit back and wait. If they are interested, they will find me. I used to search through profiles, and then if a guy saw that I viewed him and was interested, he would contact me. No more. I'm not even doing searches anymore. I have CLEARLY put too much time and energy into online dating. It has gotten me nowhere. I have better things to do with my time.

1 like
Reply

I feel like I just read a post that I wrote? So without hesitation I can say I totally know how you feel. I gave up on online dating because it is soul sucking wish I knew the answer here. Just know I feel your pain

Reply

Thank you so much for that! I know from doing a lot of reading on the subject that many women go through the same thing. But to have someone directly reply to my post, and just reading it online makes a big difference! 😊

1 like
Reply

You may also like...