Desperate: 5 years of crippling anxiety then depression

[AllAtStake]

My husband has been surviving severe anxiety for 5 years now. Depression started accompanying the anxiety about 3 years ago. His brain shuts down. He cannot work, he’s lost all his friends, he’s been to therapists and psychiatrists, been on many meds, and even took the genetic test to determine the correct psychotropic (Pristiq). He spends most days in the dark. Our marriage is to (possibly past?) the breaking point. Our two children (11&12) barely interact with him at all. Even on his “good days” he is not good. We are now saddled with medical bills and I just lost my job in February...which sent hubby into a deeper spiral. He’s been in bed/in the dark for five weeks. He needs something drastic but we are in the worst place, financially, than we’ve ever been.

He told me today that he’s just going to leave us alone so he can’t hurt us anymore.

Any suggestions for drastic means of, or places, for treatment? Or clinical trials?

[hypercat54]

Hi how awful for you all. Is he seeing a counsellor? It is important even though he is feeling like this to still get up and do something small even like bathing, going out for a 5 minute walk etc. Depression feeds on itself when just staying in bed in the dark.

Like Alfa_Kingsdale I wish I had someone like you there for me too. x

[Hidden]

When I was like that, I ended up staying in a hospital for two weeks. It may of saved my life. At the very least, I would try and get him to a doctor.

[SummerRoses]

Hi AllAtStake,

I came across this post when I googled my own 5 year depression and anxiety, though luckily for me this is after having mostly recovered and I was searching for how to rebuild your life after this time.

I felt the desire to respond in case I could be of any help due to my own experience. I know your post is 2 years old though, so I don't know if the situation is still the same.

I myself went through crippling anxiety and depression and got to the point where I also felt absolutely desperate, and my relationships were all also really suffering. But I did finally find the answers and solutions I was looking for.

The best three things I can recommend are:

1) The website (anxietynomore.co.uk/) and book (At last a life) by Paul David on anxiety

2) The website clinical-depression.co.uk/ by Uncommon knowledge- make sure to read the 'depression learning path' and I also really recommend their online 'natural depression treatment programme

3) Transcendental Meditation

Overall, the two websites above both propose a very similar understanding of the causes of both anxiety and depression and how to get out of them. They explain that both anxiety and depression are the result of a time in our lives where we have had too much worry. The symptoms are the result of the effect of this worry on our minds (and bodies).

Nobody has specific understanding of how this works, but the approaches give it a try. Paul David explains that too much worry leads to an excess of worry in the system, more than the body has had the ability to get rid of, and so we get anxiety symtoms. The depression learning path explains it this way: too many worrying thoughts can lead to heightened emotions- fear, anger etc. Too many heightened emotions lead to too much dreaming, as our mind's way of regulating emotion, leading to not enough restful sleep. Thus, as many people know with depression, we wake up exhausted. The more exhausted are mind is, the less we can go about our usual tasks and fulfil our needs. So gradually we become depressed, and have no way of getting out of it, as we can't do anything with an exhausted mind.

In both conditions, once we then get the symptoms, they become a new source of worry and so we worry even more and it is a viscous cycle. We also spend all day trying to work out the cause of the symptoms, and getting very distressed when we can't, both things wearing the mind out even more.

The key to recovery is allowing the mind to rest and heal from the effects of too much worry. Through doing this, the symptoms begin to go away by themselves. There's nothing else you need to do except actions that reduce worry/too much use of the mind. In particualr, you need to understand the effect of too much emotional arousal- it is very important to find ways to stop too many heightened emotions like fear and anger. Some suggest this can be achieved through trying to change our thoughts, but the approach I like best is just allowing your thoughts to be there but not reacting to them. This seems impossible at first, but once you really believe that reducing emotional arousal will lead to recovery and you start to see the change, then it becomes a lot easier.

Paul David talks in depth about how you need to start leading your life to allow your mind to heal, mostly talking about just going about your life as normal, and trying to stop all the time you were spending trying to think your way out of it, until less use of the mind gradually leads to the symtoms to reduce and then go away.

His insights are very useful. However, I did discover a way to fast-track the process. The practice of transcendental meditation offers a way to give your mind deep rest every day. Before I started doing this, the above two approaches were helping me but I still couldn't fully recover. However, since I started the meditation twice a day since April, my symtoms have almost completely gone away and I'm finally getting my life back on track.

I hope that some of that may be useful, if your husband is still suffering. You will understand what I am saying much better through reading the websites/book I referenced.

Depression and anxiety are truly terrible things so I felt the urge to reach out on reading your message. I hope you husband has been able to survive the last 2 years and also that your relationship has survived- but I understand things may have changed since then.

All the very best.