Depression's best friend: M.I.A

[RainneLim]

I proudly quit my job last year, and after 5 months, l got a job that I truly enjoy. I have a wonderful group of people surrounding me and helping me grow and learn.

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But what happened in those 5 months of not knowing if I will have enough money to pay rent and bills? What happened to me?

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Depression's best friend is M.I.A. Missing in Action was basically me in those 5 months. Yes, I was busy with applying to jobs, going to job interviews, packing up to live in my new and cheaper apartment, handling issues when moving out into a new apartment, the holidays, and well, telling myself I am worth being alive and worth breathing in a world I really don't want to be in.

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In those 5 months I was M.I.A.: I slept in bed until 12 pm or 1 pm. Maybe 3 pm. Didn't sleep until 4 am. What did I do between maybe 3 pm to 4 am. Stayed in bed and watch t.v. shows. Eat. Take naps. Eat. Sleep. Wake up in my sweat of anxiety. Sleep. Wake up in my sweat of tears. Sleep. Stay in bed and watch t.v. shows to help me forget the reality of what I truly hate in this world is the same girl who looks at the mirror every morning and wishes she didn't exist.

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I am afraid to die. I am scared of death. And that's okay. But I really f*cking wish i didn't exist because that means i have to live...live with me.

I do not know how many people think like me or feel like me about themselves. Deep down in my heart, I hate more in the world, more than people who dislike animals or rude customers at a restaurant or retail store, more than rude people in general, is me.

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I hate me the most.

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And, honestly, that IS okay.

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These past 5 months, I also have been thinking about how much I hate myself, and that it is amazing. I hate how i look. I hate how i smile. I hate how I talk. I hate how i always say sorry even when i don't need to. I hate how i always want to please people when I shouldn't. I hate how i take people's bullshit and take advantage of me. I hate that I don't say anything cause i don't want to offend other people. I hate me so much that it actually f*cking amazing that I am still here.

What I want to say is anyone who hates themselves, you are amazing. Because it is so hard to love ourselves, and we are still trying to learn how to love ourselves, grow, take care of ourselves and persevere. That is f*cking amazing.

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YOU are amazing. You are F*CKING amazing.

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Depression's best friend is M.I.A. but when your back in action, damn it is a F*cking action movie. (yes. ew. that was a little too f*cking cheesy. even for me, but...) Keep moving forward, even when you need to go M.I.A. for a bit. When you are back out, doing what you do, you WILL be back. You were gone for a bit, and you came out stronger. And you did it again.

(If you feel like I shouldn't really curse, I was going to apologize, like the usual me. But this time, I am not. Because I really f*cking mean what I meant. And sometimes, sometimes cursing expresses the truth better than the whole " you are amazing". No. You are F*CKING amazing. But i had to put the * because that's a little too much for me too. I am trying, okay.)

[Kat63]

Thank you for posting this. I’m in a similar situation - I lost my job 6 weeks ago and am preparing to move in the next 3 weeks. I’m moving in with my boyfriend. We’ve known each other 17 years, and we lived together 10 years; but we had some problems and I moved out 4 years ago. Now we have agreed to try again to work out the relationship.

I’m scared and anxious a lot of the time. What if I don’t find another job? What if things don’t work out in the relationship? I suspect my father wants me to move in with him. What if he’s very strongly against me going back to my boyfriend?

I have to move somewhere - I can’t afford to live alone in my apartment with no job. I’m really scared right now.

[RainneLim in reply to Kat63]

It took me a lot to accept this but that fear and anxiety means that you are literally going through a process that WILL find the answer. I hate the feeling. If anxiety was like a punching bag, I'd probably hurt my fists by now. But it is also a mechanism that pushes us to think, pushes to find a way forward, pushes us to a position we literally have no idea what is going to happen and we still go forward. That is pretty amazing and that makes you awesome and strong.

I don't know the answer, but it will be within you. And you and your boyfriend will definitely figure things out. My boyfriend and i were non stop fighting for two months and i was almost ready to throw in a flag. My depression, anxiety and trust issues were getting to me. My tip that helped is this - we agreed that if we were getting too angry with each other, we give each other a code word or just tell the other person calmly. With that, we will let things cool off first, not talk about the issue until we are okay. We will still be in the same house, we'll watch Friends or tv shows on netflix, read a book, or anything that just let's just calm down. Then talk.

I think talking is overrated so highly recommend giving eachother breathers. This applies to any types of relationship. My father and I have a very hard time communicating. We fought on Christmas and we still aren't talking because he is still mad at me. I came to visit a couple times and said hi and he ignored me. Instead of getting mad, i am going to accept his silences until he is ready to talk to me. Relationships is hard, and not knowing the future is very scary, but that feeling (that we really hate) is also telling us that we ARE strong because we are pushing ourselves forward in our life.

[hisipiki]

I have been MIA for more than a year now : slept till late/ couldn't sleep. Watch TV. Sleep in my sweat of anxiety. I do go out sometimes though, like go to gym, go to take my nephews to school, etc. So I know how it feels. And I don't know how not to be MIA now in order to break through depression

[RainneLim in reply to hisipiki]

Hey,

it is wonderful that you are even going out sometimes. That itself is a big step. I think my boyfriend's brother is a great example. He too has depression, and he let it really affect his life. He barely goes out. the only time he goes out is if my boyfriend and i convince him to eat out with us or if he wants to go eat out on his own. Other than that, work and video games. He has been doing this for almost his life.

This does not make him any less stronger or more stronger than I am. We have our own pace in healing. It took me throughout high school and college to get out of my shell 8 years! And that is okay. He recently is going out now. He got a new job that pays a little higher and better environment. He bought a new membership to go to the gym but he only goes to swim laps (he hasn't swam since he was a kid). He is almost 30 and he is just going out of his shell. And i love that he isn't just pushing himselve to fit in. He is pushing himself to do things that he knows he will enjoy, little by little.

He doesn't really have any friends except my boyfriend's friends. He still doesn't go out unless we ask him (or convince him somehow). He still plays video games as soon as he gets home after work. However, this is what makes him content. Cause now he is putting smaller step forward which was changing jobs that will benefit him in the long run and going to the gym to better his physical health (which does positively impact your mental health).

A very short version of my point is, start small. I sound very positive. And I have to believe that this positive attitude because if i don't then i will crumble myself and i can't spread this positive attitude if i don't believe in it itself. So starts small and believe in yourself, even if you don't really want to, just push towards it. You got this!

[Hidden]

I have felt this way sometimes myself--except for the "you are amazing" part lol

[RainneLim in reply to Hidden]

Hahaha I feel you. I want to sometimes look at myself in the mirror and punch. But tell yourself you are amazing even if you don't believe. I know it is hard to believe that you are amazing, i know i still have a hard time.

This is weird, but there is sometime empowering about telling other people they are amazing because THEY ARE. I kind of stopped looking at my situation and looked at others. I see or hear what they go through and think, "damn, and they still pushing forward. That's f*cking amazing!" and then i think "dumb b*tch, you going through the similar things."

Yes, i don't believe i am 100% i am amazing. I know, i sound kind of a hypocrite. Sometimes, i wish i can smack my face (lol). But i truly believe that each time i hear someone's story, i am amaze about their strength and their courage to reach out.

[Hidden]

That's a positive way to look at it. I am new here and am really just desperate for some support group type thing.

[RainneLim in reply to Hidden]

I hope this place brings comfort to year. I joined lasted year after probably the biggest anxiety phase I had. Ever since then, I have talked to people here who have been nothing but support. I love how we have different perspective and try to give advice on some of our own tips that help us sometimes.

Don't hesitate to post. I know some here are anonymous and some are not. But I notice that didn't impact the amount of support was given.