When I sleep, many times I wake up screaming. I served for two tours in Vietnam as a sniper. The army made an assassin of me. My job was very personal, I was given orders to find and eliminate specific enemy officers. I became quite proficient at my job. I hated it looking thru a scope at a person brought them cloose enough to see their faces. to this day I remember the faces. I would silently say; I am so sorry and terminate them. The only way I could cope back then was morphine. My best friend was a medic and new my torment. He would always supply me with ampules of the stuff. When back in camp, I just wanted to not feel my feelings coming up, so I would lay in my tent and feel like I was floating. War is hell and that is what I have been living in the last three years. Three years ago it all came rushing back. luckily I have a great theropist who is helping me. I talk she listens and gives me feedback. She has heard all the uglist parts of my story, which I swore I would never tell anyone, but she always makes me see none of the bad was my fault. It was war and shit happens in war. I was able to overcome the morphine addiction, but became an alcoholic, overcame that and went back to school to become an alcohol, drug and mental health counselor ; I was able to help a lot of people, but never my self. After retiring I became an author, had my first novel published in 2017, and am now working on my second. It gets me out of my self and I become the characters in my books. Neither book is about my war time life, but Maybe when I start my third I will put all the horror and wonder of Vietnam and make it a tribute to my friends I lost and those still, like me, are troubled and lost. Well thanks for listening to me drone on, it's been helpful to know someone,somewhere can understand.
Dawyogi1
can’t get past the guilt
Rumimation over past events
Dealing with anxiety, panic attacks and nightmares. Advice required.
My Past
