Childhood loss

[NobodyXIII]

Ok so let’s just get into it...

When I was just 1 years old my father died from a brain aneurysm and my mom was hooked on meth. Around 4 years old me and my siblings got taken away and sent to foster care. Bouncing from home to home, I began to feel like a source of income and not a child anyone wanted to care for. My mom finally got clean and was taking classes to get me and my siblings back. At the time I was like 8 years old and the foster family I was living with was really nice. They were gonna give my mom a house and help her get her life back on track. The day my mom graduated from the classes she decided to celebrate one last time. That last time she did meth was literally the last time she ever could because she ended up overdosing and collapsed in the class. She later died in the hospital. Fast forward I get adopted by my aunt.... she was really evil and would starve me and my sister. She got checks for both of us that was supposed to help buy clothes and food and basic necessities for me and my sister but she would spend all of the money that we got on her real kids and leave us wearing basically rags to school. I’ve never felt loved and it kills me because now that I’m grown up (I’m 23 almost 24) I have problems with trust and letting myself open up to people. I feel an empty space because I never got that “unconditional love” from a parent. I feel like I’m never good enough and that I’m a burden to everyone. I’m struggling financially because my depression gets me so low that it’s hard to keep a job. Relationships are hard for me because I never feel like my significant others really love me. I hate feeling this way. I just want to feel like I mean something. I’ve become so bitter and heartless because of the way I grew up. It’s literally trash.

[hypercat54]

Hi how awful and I am so sorry. I would be surprised if you felt any differently after the terrible upbringing you have experienced. Indeed I am surprised to find you so coherent at all as most of us would be a gibbering wreck by now. That shows what strength you must have to endure all that and still come out of it a good person and sane person.

I don't know whether you have yet sought medical help but I do think you need to. We often can't move on with our lives until we have dealt with the past, so how about a counsellor as well? Ok it's going to take time and quite a lot of pain to deal with your past but it's very worthwhile.

There are quite a number on here who have had very bad childhoods but have managed to move on past it and to lead rich fulfilling lives. I am sure some of them will be in soon with their advice. Take care. x

[Stilltrying_]

You have endured so much pain, it is almost unbearable to read let alone go through what you have. You are strong in that you have experienced all this and are still here to tell the tale.

Make it your purpose in life to have a different life from your parents and that horrible Aunt too. Make it your goal to be happy and successful and prove to the world that these horrible cycles can be broken. Get whatever support you possibly can to achieve these goals. If you don't have a partner try and find a stable partner and friends. Get whatever counselling is available to you and if necessary search for places that do it low cost.

I can only imagine how hard it is holding down jobs with all this emotional pain but be proud of yourself. It is difficult not to be bitter and heartless of course but I can assure you there are good and caring people in the world and many of them are on this site. Of course you always have to be careful and protect yourself from harm in the world but also be prepared to open up as and when the time is right to caring souls who will help you out of this pain bit by bit.

Gemmalouise x