Feeling like the fixer

[Needtovent]

Good morning, Today I'm feeling a bit stuck on something and would appreciate your thoughts. I'm working on the concept of fear in reaction to anxiety and acceptance of this, in order to change my reaction. I can let those uncomfortable feelings wash over me. However now I am stuck on weather to try and influence a situation that is bothersome to me. So the 'what can I do?' thoughts are emerging as the timeline is ticking. Most all of my anxiety is related to my children, one in particular, who are now adults. Is 'sticking my nose in' actually just another way of fueling the fear?

[Natsteveo]

As parents we will always worry and have fears..maybe try talking to your child to see if it helps the situation all round..if it’s bothering you that much go with your gut feeling

Nat

[maggief9812]

Good morning! To start, I want to acknowledge I have a complex relationship with my own mother and a few issues there that I know are unresolved. I have no idea if my situation is similar enough to be a helpful view of the other side of the parent-adult child relationship for you. My 5 siblings and I are all between the ages of 32 and 40.

Here’s an example of a conversation I’d love to have with my mom just ONCE.

“Hey honey, it looks to me like your having trouble with (insert issue here). Is there anything I can do to help?”

“Thanks, ma, but no. I have a plan and am going to try to deal with it on my own. But I promise I’ll tell you if I feel like I do need help, ok? I really appreciate you asking though.”

And then, THEN, my mom actually leaves the issue alone because I asked her to.

That’s just an example of what I desperately want as her adult child. Some respect for my autonomy. I keep trying to maintain my boundaries with her in a respectful way and she keeps ‘forgetting’ we talked about it and re-stirs the pots whenever she gets the chance. It’s exhausting and frustrating.

If your kids are asking for help, feel free to give help if it’s not enabling bad choices on their part. If you offer help and they say yes, feel free to give it. But please, don’t help without asking first if it’s wanted, and if they say ‘no thank you’ let it rest.

[Needtovent in reply to maggief9812]

Wow, just wow! I needed to read this. As I re-read my post, I realize how vague it is so thank you for taking the time to read through it. I’m guessing the heading is what grabbed your attention initially as that is what parents are inherently programmed to do - fix it! My anxiety gets tweaked by his procrastination, but on the flip side, he has told me that he will ‘deal with it’. Thank you Maggie.