I suffer with anxiety and depression and I’m having a tough few days and struggling to pull myself out of this pit I’ve fallen into. I’ve two constants in my life, two things I really care for. My family and my boyfriend.
Sadly, my Mum’s got terminal cancer, something I’m having a hard time coming to terms with. Every now and then I remember this and it slaps me in the face and breaks my heart all over again.
Had another argument with my boyfriend last night - he’s unhappy in our relationship. Says it’s not romantic anymore and I have this tendency to make him feel like he’s the sole problem (he isn’t). It frustrates him that I have no interests and I’m fully dependant on him, which I guess is true. He said he’s given up on trying to get me to do ‘things.’ These things usually consist of exercise or activity, I’ve gained weight and he’s told me I’m not attractive to him anymore. But I’m not interested in losing weight. He says I don’t take care of myself, I don’t think my self care equals being thin. He never pushed me into ‘doing something active’ when I was at the level of fat he liked.
I suppose we do argue a fair bit, about what though I can never remember clearly. I asked me if he wanted me to move home last night, really put my foot in it. Now he thinks I’ve no interest in making things work, which isn’t true.
I merely exist at the moment. I’ve spent the past two days having panic attacks and crying intermittently. It’s hard to remember a time when I did things for myself, had hobbies and ambitions. When I’m on my own I just lay around the house waiting for him to come home.
I can’t make my Mum better, but I can fix my relationship. I’ve no idea how. I need friends, hobbies, a better body. Just to be normal. I think if I had some motivation to do anything it might make him happy.
All I’ve done this morning is lay on the sofa, aimlessly browse through my phone and cry.
Written by
PhoebeBH
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I am so sorry about your mom. I haven't seen a parent go through terminal illness, but I absolutely relate to waking up and having that fact slap you in the face. When I lost my dad a year ago it took months for that to stop. You may not be able to cure your mom, but it sounds like she knows how much you love and support her. You're doing that right.
As to your relationship: I haven't gone through this either, but have heard stories similar to yours in my program. The advice the psychiatrist gives those patients is that they need to work on themselves right now and their mental health. The common comparison is helping a child on an airplane with an oxygen mask. If you try to get their mask on them first (instinct) then you are less likely to be able to get yours on. You need to be able to work through everything that is weighing on your depression and keeping you from living your life vs. just existing.
Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it. The oxygen mask analogy really makes sense, I want to be able to work on myself but it’s hard knowing where to begin. Hoping I can get it figured out.
Your situation sounds very stressful, hope things improve soon and you start to feel better, take care.
My advice is if he's not happy now and not attracted it won't change. You shouldn't have to lose weight to be loved. When you get married and years go by, things change, bodies change but love should still be there. I would better myself on my own without the pressure and you'll be better off in a relationship when you are happy with yourself, You.
Hi, So sorry about your mom. I understand the pain of a chronic illness, my SO was diagnosed with kidney failure and we walked through so much and many days we thought he would pass away but he finally received a kidney after 2 years on dialysis. I know your mom is terminal, which is totally different, but I do have empathy because I truly believed my SO would die before the transplant came through. Dealing with illness really can do a number on your mental and emotional health moving you away from caring about things like your weight, but remember you are young and have a full life ahead of you and your mom would not want you to be unhealthy and unhappy. That is not what she raised you to be! Honor her by being your best self and recognize that you may need to see a counselor to help you over this hurdle. As far as your relationship it sounds as if you have someone who loves you and wants to be with you but you are falling apart in front of his eyes while he wants to go out and have adventures with you, support you , and help get you back in shape. I want to challenge you to start exercising with him. The exercise itself will help your mood and the side benefits of getting back in shape and helping heal your relationship will be the icing on the cake. I know it's difficult - I've been there but I would be so sad today if I had just given up and continued to cry. Please know you can overcome the sorrow in time and with help.
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Unnerving Memories
Do I stay?
Worst few days of my life.
Super down and out
still some anxiety 
