Desperate for answers

[Bettersomeday]

Hello. This is the first time I've been on an online support group. I am not convinced this will help provide me with the answers I seek, although it is in my nature to prepare myself for disappointment, which is a cynical and unproductive attitude towards life, but I figure it can't hurt. I am trying to figure out how to cope with what has been years and years of debilitating depression, and paralyzing anxiety. I am struggling to live a normal life, and function like a productive member of society, but most of all, being a good mother to my young children. My son is my world, although if you had to look through the window of my everyday existence, you probably wouldn't think so. The person I used to be and want to be seems to have been missing for a long time, I still wonder if I will ever find that person again. The depression, fatigue, despair, and self loathing makes me want to hide away in shame under the covers. Haven't left the house unless I absolutely have to for years, let alone my bedroom. All my thoughts are clouded with guilt and paranoia. Logic tells me I must face my fear of social situations and failure, in order for the anxiety to diminish, slowly but surely, in order to have the normal life that I want. But stepping out into the world fills my body with fear and makes me physically I'll, to the point of vomiting, my thoughts and heart race until I can barely breathe or speak, making it completely impossible no matter how hard I try to fake it, to come across as a normal, stable human being. I want to be able to to work, go to school, have a friend...but I feel so trapped in this never ending pattern of avoidence. I don't know what to do anymore and the more time goes by, the worse and deeper I fall into hopelessness. I am losing my mind, and don't want to waste my son's life stuck in my head....I am currently pregnant with my second child, and the stress is increased ten fold by not only this but going off any medication that can help, not that it ever did much anyway. I Kno it sounds like I'm wallowing in self pity, and maybe I am, but I am desperate and needed to vent, even if nobody reads this. If anyone does have some non generic, heard before a million times advise, it would be much appreciated. Thanks.

[jkl5500]

There are several people on this site with similar problems, and I'm sure they will respond when they read your post. I suggest talk therapy to help with being housebound.

[Bettersomeday in reply to jkl5500]

Thanks, I'm currently looking into what I can do with Medicaid to find a good therapist, my experience so far is uninterested nodding, writing notes, and Dr not even pretending to care at meridian. But I am looking forward to communicating with understanding individuals.

[jkl5500 in reply to Bettersomeday]

Are you familiar with any books by Dr. Claire Weekes? There are videos of her on YouTube that you can watch for free, but her books are much better. She had agoraphobia herself, and overcame it with her own method.

[Bettersomeday in reply to jkl5500]

No I havent but that sounds promising, thankyou

[Traveller85 in reply to Bettersomeday]

Oh that’s too bad, sorry, hope you find a better one

[Traveller85]

You’re not “wallowing in self pity” as you put it. You have a legitimate anxiety disorder. Proud of you for seeking help, for sharing. I can see you want to get better. Seek therapy, and this site is here to help as well. Therapy is hard work and painful, but it’s the only way. And medications can help after your pregnancy, when it’s safe. I’m rooting for you, hang in there! 😄👍🏽

[Bettersomeday in reply to Traveller85]

Aw, thank you. That's really nice to hear, about wanting to get better. I've been accused of using it as an excuse and that I actually enjoy being sick, which is crazy, but sometimes I don't trust myself to see things clearly, so I appreciate that more than you know.

[jkl5500 in reply to Bettersomeday]

Who would enjoy being like this? It's a shame you have to put up with garbage like that. The anxiety in your life can be defeated, and you can get your life back. You'll just need some medical help to do it. Don't be discouraged by those lousy therapists you mentioned. There are plenty of good ones who will help you. You'll find one soon and get back on the right track.

[sweetiepye]

Hello, I happen to be an understanding individual . Fifty years ago I could have written your post. I was experiencing the same symptoms, was pregnant with my second child ,couldn't leave my house, thought I was crazy, and I was terrified . I recovered and so will you. It will take some time and pushing through the fear , but you will come out on the other side stronger than ever. Right away I noticed you are taking on this whole burden at once and you need to start small. Decide what you want to work on first . I wanted to be able to leave my house, take my babies for walks, so I started by walking down my drive way to the mailbox. Probably 50 ft. Scurry down, scurry right back. Then the following week I would venture a little further. Every day until it starts to feel normal. I also started therapy. I saw a nice kind woman I could connect to. I needed someone warm and caring. You do too. You will recover sooner with understanding. If you like I can tell you more, but I am in process of going to bed. I can take a quick question though. Pam

[Ldd199]

I don’t think you’re wallowing in self pity at all, it’s totally valid for you to feel that way and need to vent, especially with the stress of wanting to be a good mother to your kids. I totally get your comments about knowing logically that you have to leave the house for your anxiety to get better, I’m struggling with that a lot right now as well. I find that I often go through periods of being somewhat comfortable and social around people and then becoming a virtual recluse and having to do a sort of exposure therapy to being around people again.

I don’t know if this might at all help or be possible for you, but what I’m doing now is only asking myself for small steps—get out of the house for five minutes, say something small to just one person, take just a few steps past my comfort zone. If I can do that enough that I’m comfortable, I can start to ask myself for more, but I decide when I’m ready to do that and what that looks like. You are allowed to have anxiety, you are allowed to have different expectations for yourself and to define your own normal without attaching an emotion like shame to it—it’s just where you are right now. There’s nothing wrong with that.

[Agora1]

Bettersomeday, having anxiety and being responsible for another little human being

can be demanding. Being pregnant is stirring up all kinds of emotions as you struggle

each day with your anxiety/depression. And last but not least is coming off your medication which in itself is a full time emotional job... Feeling emotionally drained?

Physically ill? All common results of all you are going through right now.

I became agoraphobic a couple years after receiving a foster child to care for. I'd wake

up afraid in how I could care for this little 2y.o. whose needs were beyond mine. My anxiety levels rose. I knew I was a good mother but nevertheless, a mother with anxiety

issues. I found ways to work around both of our needs. I never retreated to bed. There

was a lot more quiet time to spend with each other which is what she needed at the time

as well as myself. I also suffered from severe migraines and tension headaches at that

time and called on a neighbor to get me some respite at those times. My little one would

go and play with my neighbor's child which was a good interaction for her as well as some

"me time".

I started using meditation and deep breathing during those times and learned after a while that is was the key to reducing my anxious thoughts. I had already accepted these

feeling that I had as anxiety through the Dr. Claire Weekes book on "Hope & Help for the Nerves"....That was my building block...I had come off my benzos of 30 years prior to that.

So I had to rely on myself. Retraining my thought pattern. Using YouTube as my go to.

I am not a believer in putting a child in front of the tv screen and so would plan out a project that we would do every afternoon. Making things, drawing which would calm myself as well as give my daughter a sense of accomplishment. The bond grew between

us, maybe more so because I did spend so much time with her.

Never feel that you may be disappointing your son. Children adapt to love and attention.

I hope this helps some. Know that the forum is always here to support you. xx