ive let my depression take control of me for so long it feels like im on autopilot in most of my daily life. my body doesnt let me do the things i want to do, i am not able to do work or anything mildly stressful, my body will just completely give up and take away all the energy i need to do it. i will sit down and scroll through my phone or just fall asleep. sometimes i will just be going about my business at home like making something to eat, and i will fall over because my body just gives up. i feel so weak. i hate feeling not in control like this. i want to break free and get out of this damn flesh prison, i hate the way it talks, the way it looks, everything about it. i want out.
life just sucks. i realize that i have to work my ass off and go through insufferable amounts of stress just to get a job to have access to the necessary things i need to SURVIVE. every single day of my life i daydream about a different world where we just share food and water with eachother and help others get work done out of the kindness of our hearts. what kind of sick psychopath made the world like this, i cant stand it and i cant stand the thought of being continually stressed out for the rest of my life until i die. it doesnt sound like living at all. my body gives up because it knows i cant escape a life like this. hell could not be worse than this at this point. i dont need a therapist. i dont need a counselor. i need OUT of this god damned world.
even now i have no grasp of who I am. I cannot sort between the answers on a personality test. i cannot identify what traits I have as a person. I have no goals, every interaction i have with another person is awkward and uncomfortable, i find myself to be different in my mind than every other person i know. i dont feel human. i dont feel like i belong. depression has hammered my grasp of a personality into bits and pieces of what i once was. i dont understand myself. but i dont want to assimilate into the trap of normality, even if that's so desperately where i want to go. i dont want to waste away further than i have, living like i love myself and dying from the inside.
resorted to creating a new identity at this point even if i go insane all over again. new name, new personality that i crafted myself. it feels like my only option. my only way to start over and get motivated again.
this whole paragraph i just typed doesnt fully make sense inside my mind. its so hard to comprehend things. when everything is out of place. and i feel dead. and nothing feels real. im a walking zombie.