Friends: This weekend I was going to... - Anxiety and Depre...

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This weekend I was going to hang out with two different friends, one on Friday and one on Saturday. I was pretty excited for it because I never hang out with my friends. I never get invited to do things, and I can’t have anyone over at my house or have my dad drive us to do things. I don’t like to invite myself over to peoples houses either. I was going to go ice skating this Friday because I haven’t gone in years and I was going to go shopping on Saturday. Now I can’t do either plan.

I originally had a rehearsal for my quartet group on Saturday. I told the guy who planned it that the only time that worked for me was 10:30-12 in the morning, because I was going to have a lesson with my accompanist for a music competition that I have coming up on the 19th is January. He said that worked for him and one other member, and that our 4th member didn’t respond and say what time was best for her. Today he texted me and said that we have to do the afternoon rehearsal, which is 1:30-3:00. I told him I couldn’t because that day was the only day I could do my lesson this week. Every other day was either too early in the day, or I had previous plans made with a friend. He said that all three of them can do afternoon. So I had to cancel my plans on Friday to move my lesson to that night.

On Saturday night my dad said that we are going to visit my aunt and uncle who live an hour away. That was when I had plans with my other friend. I had to cancel those plans too.

I’m busy every weekend until February 2nd. By then my one friend will have found someone else to go shopping with, and my other friend will have found someone else to go ice skating with. So I’ll be left out again, like I always am.

I’m not too close to either of these friends but I know I’d have fun and I might feel better because I’ve been having a very awful, breakdown and panic attack filled week. I wanted to have two days where I could relax and have fun. But now I can’t.

To top it all off, my music competition (in which I have three performances) is on January 19th. My dad scheduled to work that day, so he won’t be there for a single one of my performances. My step dad will be there but it doesn’t help me much because he isn’t blood related. Sure we are closer, but I would feel better if some of my blood related family members were there. I won’t even have close friends there the whole time, unless our schedules line up. Even then I’m not that close with them.

He can’t schedule to work a different day because it’s too late for that and his supervisors would get angry. It just makes me upset. These competitions mean the world to me and I work very hard on preparing for them and I won’t even have anyone there to be proud of me and make me feel accomplished. Last year I had my quartet, my boyfriend, my mom, dad, brother, and step dad. This year I’ll have my step dad and maybe my quartet. But it depends on the scheduling of the different events, and I doubt they would stay that long just to hear me play.

2019 isn’t going well for me so far, I’ve been having a bad week. I’m very sad and stressed and I just want to cry and sleep.

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